A Caveman In A Spaceship.

My Blog Has Moved (For Real This Time)

2009-01-29T10:55:00.004-05:00

It's true. My blog has officially moved here, complete with fancy RSS feed button and everything. I know I said that before and then backpedaled a bit, but this time it's for real- my blog is moving here. And look- I know things have been really crazy between us lately and I have said and done a lot of things that we both regret, but I am really hoping you'll come on over to my new blog address with me. It will be the same retarded blog (only with more profanity), just at a new address- this one. Plus, everything that has ever been posted here, will be archived over there. I know, I can't believe it either. Anyway, if you by chance read my blog regularly and maybe even bookmark it or have it hooked up to one of those fancy RSS feed things, I kindly ask that you change your bookmarks to this address, the new one and do that RSS feed thing over there. It's going to be really great. Trust me. I love you, like, a lot. So for real, starting now, go here, which is to say http://davehillonline.com/blog, the new address of my incredible blog that's on the Internet. The future is now!

Dave Hill

The Raspberries On The Mike Douglas Show

2009-01-25T21:50:00.001-05:00

Here is a pretty great video of the Raspberries performing their hit "Go All the Way" on the Mike Douglas Show back in the '70s (I couldn't find an embeddable version for some reason, so you gotta click on the link). Lead singer Eric Carmen's hair pretty much deserved its own TV show if you ask me. Other guests on the show that episode were Joe Namath and Billie Jean King. They just don't do it like that anymore. Oh, if only I had a time machine.

Dave Hill

Rejected + Conscience Point + Other Stuff

2009-01-22T12:32:00.000-05:00

Guess who is totally in a new book that is coming out next week? Me! Yeah! Anyway, comedian/writer/magic man Jon Friedman has turned his popular Rejection Show into a book and I am totally in it along with a bunch of other comedians and writers sharing works and stories of being rejected at some point or another in their career. The book includes a story I wrote for a British magazine about my night on the beat the Cleveland police vice unit during which I tried to buy crack (for real!) and picked up a transvestite prostitute (also for real!). You can buy the book right here or probably in a store or something too.

Also, there is a live show/book release party next week at the Bell House here in New York featuring such fine folks as David Rees, Mike Albo, David Wain, Todd Levin, Odd Todd, Sara Schaefer, Tom McCaffrey, Katina Corrao, the Defibulators, and host Jon Friedman. Get the lowdown here.

In other news, last night- because I hate sleep- I decided to set up a MySpace music page to host some of the incidental music I’ve recorded for some of my comedy videos, specifically the music that is my sad attempt at being the bastard son of Ennio Morricone who lives in a studio apartment and has not access to a full orchestra. I have named the “project” Conscience Point for the time being. If I find time, it would be fun to make a whole album of this stuff (not that anyone would want to listen to it, but still). Anyway, check it out here. Maybe you will enjoy it on some level or another.

In still other news, I (and when I say “I” I mean my friend Mike) am making all sorts of updates and improvements on my website. For example, I have added a shitload of new videos the video page that weren’t there before. And I am getting the blog in shape over there too, complete with the much-requested RSS feed button and whatnot. So take things for a test drive, kick the tires, give it the finger, whatever you need to do. The future is...n-now!

Dave Hill

Kicking Ice

2009-01-22T02:06:00.001-05:00

Tonight my hockey team the King Williams played a game against the team with the tan jerseys that people are still talking about to this day. Before the game, I ate some fake Mexican food with a friend at a vegetarian restaurant where a lot of the customers had dreadlocks. I am not a vegetarian.

After I ate the fake Mexican food at the vegetarian restaurant, I got my hockey equipment and went to Lasker Rink in Central Park where our game was. I showed up, put on all my hockey equipment like it was weird not to be wearing it all the time, and then walked out to rink to totally play hockey.

When I got out to the rink, I looked at the players on the other team with an expression that asked “Who wants to get there asses handed to them?”

The players on the other team then looked back at me with a look that seemed to ask “Are you kidding?,” which is exactly the kind of look people tend to give when they don’t want their asses handed to them. But it was too late- I had already decided to hand their asses to them.

“You better put out your hands,” I said to them by looking back at them and not really saying anything out loud, “because you are going to need them to hold your asses when I hand them to you, which I something that is going to happen very soon.”

Then I went out on the ice and played hockey like only a guy who is 1/4 Canadian can. I didn’t score any goals but I would like to think that my general contribution to the game was positive.

I guess at this point you are totally wondering who won the game. We won the game 4-3. Also, one of the guys on my team, Sean Crespo, just got a new kitten named Mr. Cutiepants. I don’t know if Mr. Cutiepants can solve crimes but I sure hope so. No one would see it coming.

Dave Hill

The David Lee Roth Soundboard

2009-01-21T12:18:00.005-05:00

Maybe you've seen this before. If not, I apologize in advance for making you lose a big chunk of your day today to it. It's the David Lee Roth soundboard. It's pretty great for leaving David Lee Roth-centric voicemail messages to pretty much everyone and anyone. You're welcome.

In other news, Shepard Fairey, the artist who did the iconic Obama "Hope" posters and is also responsible for those ubiquitous Andre the Giant stickers and posters, was interviewed by Terry Gross on NPR's "Fresh Air" yesterday. Interesting stuff. Check it out here.

Hmmm, what else. It's cold outside. Everyone is talking about it. It is on all the blogs.

Dave Hill

Awesome

2009-01-20T12:28:00.000-05:00

I was bummed to miss Election Day (though, yes, I did vote) because I was in London at the time, but I’m psyched to be in America on this exciting day. I’m watching the inauguration on TV right row and kind of kicking myself for not heading to DC for the whole thing. Then again, whoa- that’s a LOT of people. Imagine the lines for the port-a-johns. Still, it’s exciting to watch history on TV if not in person. Awesome.

Dave Hill

Wait, Wait- My Blog Is Staying Put...For Now

2009-01-20T10:13:00.004-05:00

Okay, I admit it. I got a little over excited and announced my blog was moving (NOTE: I've since deleted that post to avoid further confusion. I think. Or maybe it's confusing to have deleted it and then add this post. I don't know really). And it is, but I've decided I still need to make a few tweaks before I can fully commit to that big move. So if you want to keep coming here for now until I make the big, final switch over to the new addres, which is here, you can keep coming this orginal recipe blog. Or if you want to keep going to the new address anyway, you can keep doing that because I will be doing updates in both places for the time being. I still want to make a few fonty/design/layout type changes over at the new blog, so until that's ready to go I will stick around over here. It's kind of like if you bought a new house and realized you really need to paint the living room before you can fully move in, so you keep the keys to the old place because it won't give you crazy dreams. Or something like that anyway. So yeah, you can go to the new blog now or you can wait until it's totally ready. Okay, that's all for now. I will type something completely unrelated to this a bit later today.

Dave Hill

Smiths/Speed Dating Night

2009-01-16T10:27:00.001-05:00

Do you like the Smiths and/or Morrissey? Do you totally want to meet a special girl or guy? Well, if you answered yes to even one of those questions I just asked, then you should come to this new fun night I am hosting at the Black Rabbit Bar in Greenpoint called “Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now: A Night of Smiths Music and Speed Dating.” I know, I know- it sounds almost too good to be true, but no, really, it’s totally happening for the first time on January 29th at 8pm. There will be speed dating and Smiths and Morrissey music from 8pm to around 9:30pm and then there will be Smiths and Morrissey music the rest of the night. There- I just broke it down for you. Holy shit! For more info on this whole thing, go to the official new MySpace page for everything I just talked about.

Dave Hill

Cinemax Christmas Videos Now Viewable in January

2009-01-16T01:24:00.001-05:00

Hi there. It's not the holidays anymore, but I am hoping that won't stop you from enjoy these Christmas-type spots for the popular Cinemax channel. These videos have appeared on premium cable television- they have got to be good! I hope you enjoy them so much.

Dave Hill

Audition Goes Bad

2009-01-14T14:46:00.003-05:00

From my friend Jeff. Good stuff.

Dave Hill

New Valley Lodge Rock Song For You

2009-01-13T23:24:00.001-05:00

Hi there. My unstoppable rock band Valley Lodge is finishing up a new rock record right now. You can hear our new song "Baby, It's A Shame" on our MySpace page right now. So, like, go over there or something. I hope you like it a whole bunch. It pretty much has everything.

Dave Hill

Weekend In Review

2009-01-12T16:04:00.002-05:00

Mondays. Do not even get me started on this topic. Things are pretty crazy here at the office. I have twelve new interns starting today and they are all sitting on my bed watching me type this right now. Well, not really, but in an alternate universe the Dave Hill Enterprises winter intern program is in full swing. One can dream. And one does dream, like, a lot.

I had a pretty not-so-crazy weekend this past weekend, rarely straying more than a few hundred yards from my apartment at any given time (give or take a couple undercover missions I dare not speak of). On Friday, I ate some Spanish food at Sevilla, the popular Spanish restaurant down the street from my house. I like Spanish food and I particularly like Spanish restaurants in New York as most of the ones I go to (e.g. Sevilla, El Faro, El Quijote) somehow manage to remain fairly stopped in time in a really great way. While the rest of Manhattan slowly devolves into a wasteland of CVS stores, glass condos, and banks, the local Spanish restaurants make me feel like it’s 1988 or something. And as long as I’m on the topic- here’s to matching maroon blazers.

Last night, I headed to Highline Ballroom to see Dengue Fever and Marshall Crenshaw. I can’t decide whether I like or kinda, sorta hate the Highline Ballroom. Last night, they had tables and chairs all over the floor so people could sit and eat mini-hamburgers and stuff during the show. Don’t get me wrong- I love mini-hamburgers as much as the next guy, but- not unlike boning and swimming- I tend to think that rock-n-roll and snack foods don’t go together. I guess the Highline has to pay the bills somehow.

As for the music last night, Dengue Fever were great. They play ‘60s-style Cambodian pop music (or so I’m told- I don’t know that I’ve ever actually heard the real thing, so I don’t have much to compare it to). They are fun to watch and hear. And the lead singer is a scorcher. Maybe one day we will get married and she can take a break from things to go rock out with the band for a few numbers. I am not yet sure whether I will be having the chicken or the beef.

Marshall Crenshaw and his band were up next. He was well-dressed and great, one of the greatest songwriters of all-time in my expert opinion. I wouldn’t have minded if he broke out a few more of the hits though. I like hits. Come, Marshall, play the hits! But I like the new stuff too. Also, he shreds on guitar. I think my hair got singed at one point. More please.

In other news, thanks to my friends Mike and Jeff, I have been making some subtle yet groundbreaking changes to my website of late. I hope you enjoy them so much. It’s some pretty futuristic shit.

Okay, off the gym. What- do you think I just wake up like this?

Dave Hill

Dumb Song About New York City

2009-01-10T20:47:00.004-05:00

I wrote and recorded a dumb song about New York today. You can hear it here. I hope you enjoy it on some level. If it is too sucky for your ears, here is some of my more professional rock music to cleanse your earhole. I'm sorry for everything.

Dave Hill

Thursdays. Man.

2009-01-08T12:19:00.002-05:00

Thursdays- will we ever really understand them? There’s a part of me that likes them because you can practically see the weekend from here. But then pretty much every day is exactly the same for me, weekend or not, so I’m not sure what I am getting all worked up about. I really need to bring it down.

I am in a near-coma today because I stayed up too late reading David Carr’s excellent junkie memoir “Night of the Gun.” Man, that guy really liked drugs. I mean, like, for real. I get all sick just reading it, and I’ve never even done any drugs before (unless you count alcohol and cigarettes, which I guess count). You should totally read it.

I also read- like tons of other folks I’m sure- Malcom Gladwell’s new book, “Outliers” (here seen with a weirdly different cover than the one I read) which I found really interesting and fun to read. Like his other books, it’s at once intellectual and academic while also easy for a dope like me to understand. And to paraphrase my friend Alessi, it will make you have a good think, especially if you are a 1/4 Canadian hockey player like me (this not-so-good joke will make slight sense to those who read the book).

Hmm, what else. Maybe I better get back to taking over the world. While I do that, you should watch this Kinks video for “Sunny Afternoon.” Dave Davies plays a Flying V on a snowy hillside. Last time I checked, that is pretty much how it’s done:

Dave Hill

More Shredding

2009-01-06T19:50:00.001-05:00

I had a little spare time today so I decided to school pussies on how to shred at guitar again. I hope you like it so much.

Dave Hill

Ron Asheton R.I.P.: 1948-2009

2009-01-06T11:13:00.002-05:00

Whoa. Just found out that Stooges guitarist Ron Asheton was found dead this morning. Sad news. That man could rock. Here is the story.

Dave Hill

The Past Few Days In Review

2009-01-05T20:35:00.003-05:00

Mondays- am I right or am I right? Today is my first day back at world domination since the extended holiday break (a time during which I somehow still managed to largely dominate the entire planet despite not really trying all that much) and boy am I excited. As for the past few days (which is to say New Year’s and all that), however, I have been eating a lot and going to see movies.

On New Year’s Day (or maybe it was the day after), I went to see “Milk,” starring Hollywood’s Sean Pean in the title role of Harvey Milk. It was the gayest (literally!) and greatest movie I have seen in a while (with the possible exception of the movie I watched on cable the night before in which two ladies totally ended up lezzing out together). You should totally go see it. It will make you believe in the possibilities of people and goodness. Also, Sean Penn totally makes out with that dude from “Pineapple Express” in the movie. I never saw it coming.

On Saturday afternoon, I went to see the hit movie “The Wrestler,” starring cosmetic surgery’s Mickey Rourke, who is seriously great in this movie despite being largely unrecognizable from his earlier work. As hinted at in the title, “The Wrestler” is about a wrestler. Count me in. Also, Marisa Tomei shows her boobs in the movie (more than once! Thanks, Marisa!). My comedy friends Todd Barry and Judah Friedlander are also great in the movie, despite the fact that neither of them end up in a state of undress at any point.

On Saturday night, I saw “Hostel II,” which- as hinted at in the title- is the sequel to the hit movie “Hostel.” Against all statistical likelihood, I had already seen “Hostel,” so when I saw “Hostel II” was playing on cable, I had to jump right in. Not unlike “Hostel” (or “Hostel I” as it known to us diehards), “Hostel II” is about a hostel in Europe where people get kidnapped and then later sold to a slaughterhouse where crazy rich people pay to come methodically torture and kill people, something that the victims are rarely very happy about. As you can probably imagine though, the bad guys usually get their come uppance in the end and goodness is (sort of) restored (but never enough to rule out the possibility of another incredible sequel).

Of the many highlights of the hit movie “Hostel II,” probably the greatest was seeing the star of the hit movie “Welcome to the Dollhouse” (you know, that nerdy girl) get hung upside down fully naked and killed (not that I wish her harm- I was just glad to see her in any context). It seems like it might have been a bad career move for her, but still it was one I could not look away from. “Okay, I’ll do it,” one can’t help but imagine her saying to the casting director as she opted to let the call from her local temp agency go straight to voicemail. Show business can be a cruel mistress.

Here’s to hoping someone somewhere is writing the screenplay to “Hostel III” at this very moment. Fingers crossed.

Dave Hill

Today Is The Day

2009-01-04T12:13:00.000-05:00

Dave Hill

Happy New Year + One Crazy Ass Fish

2009-01-01T20:05:00.000-05:00

Alright, for starters, Happy New Year. I mean, let’s just get that out of the way right now. This year is going to be different. I can feel it. And I mean that in a good way that involves better hair and outfits for everybody and also a bunch of other good stuff besides that.

In other news, today I went to eat the fuck out of some dim sum and saw this fish hanging out upside down in the tank out front (He’s the fun one on the right). Make no bones about it- this fish plays by his own set of rules (the main rule, of course, being that there are no rules, especially when you are a fish in a Chinese restaurant). When we left an hour or so later, the fish was still totally hanging out upside down. I mean, hey, why not? You’re a fish sitting in a tank in a Chinese restaurant all day, you gotta mix it up every once in a while. I imagine when he finally gets scooped out of the tank and served up with some Szechuan sauce or something, all the other fish in the tank will be all like “That was one crazy motherfucking fish. Motherfucker used to hang out upside down all day. Shit was crazy.” Then they will probably just get back to doing mostly nothing until it’s their turn to die. It will be just like that.

Dave Hill

This Will Never Get Old: The Benny Hillifier

2008-12-29T14:07:00.003-05:00

Thanks to my friend Mike for passing along a link to the Benny Hillifier, which- as the name suggests- instantly makes any YouTube video ready to be on the Benny Hill Show (assuming Internet videos could jump in a time machine and go back and be on the late, great British comedy show "The Benny Hill Show"). Here is an example of this incredible tool at work. And no, I am not related to Benny Hill, though that question remains as funny to me now as it did when I was a kid and would be asked that question by virtually every person I ever met. It is a perfectly reasonable question and- as it turns out- always funny.

Dave Hill

Dave Recommends: Lucy Wainwright Roche At Joe's Pub This Friday

2008-12-29T13:05:00.002-05:00

Hi. If you are in New York this Friday, you should totally go see my good friend Lucy Wainwright Roche at Joe's Pub. Lucy's voice and songs are unstoppable and will make you forget whatever it is your are trying to forget about as your ears fill with the aural equivalent of the most delicious candy you have ever tasted, a really classy candy favored by the people of Europe. Whenever I listen to Lucy's music, I feel like putting a jacket on to deal with all the chills I'm getting. Even so, I recommend attending her show this Friday shirtless. You only live once. Swing for the fences. You can get tickets right here.

Dave Hill

Flat Eric Carmen

2008-12-28T17:12:00.003-05:00

Because I am constantly helping out the youth of America by both deed and example, today I designed/decorated/colored a Flat Stanley for a young fella I know. I used origami paper, a picture from a wig catalog, a marker, and some colored pencils. If you ask me, the Flat Stanley ended up looking a bit like a particularly well-dressed Eric Carmen, lead singer of the great Cleveland pop band the Raspberries. This was unintentional (the Eric Carmen part), yet a bit eerie and exciting (since I am a big Raspberries fan) at the same time. That’s Flat Stanley above. That’s Eric Carmen below. You tell me.

Dave Hill

Valley Lodge: The Japanese Greeting

2008-12-27T17:12:00.002-05:00

Hi there. December 27- am I right or am I right? Anyway, recently I sat down with my friend Phil to make a video greeting at the request of our rock band Valley Lodge's Japanese label. It is pretty hi-tech (in a low-tech kind of way). I hope you enjoy it on some level or another. Valley Lodge's Japanese invasion is set for March. The entire country is getting pretty fired up about it. We are a giant rock band over there.

Dave Hill

Boxing Day In Cleveland

2008-12-26T14:20:00.003-05:00

Today I write to you from a coffee shop in Shaker Heights, Ohio, just a few hundred yards away from my parents’ home in University Heights, Ohio, suburb of Cleveland. The perenially lame Goo Goo Dolls (NOTE: Their first couple albums were actually decent in a Replacements/Ramones rip-off sort of way, but who remembers those at this point?) serenade me in the background. In England and Canada (and probably some other places too), it is Boxing Day, but here in suburban Cleveland it is that gray day after Christmas when I am doing little other than plotting my next slow move and maybe typing a bit.

I haven’t done much other than family stuff, though I did make it to the mall on Christmas Eve, where I quickly downed a Chick-fil-A sandwich (original recipe) served to me by a woman who was standing next to a woman who has been working at that same Chick-fil-A for- by my estimate- over twenty years now. Even twenty years ago she had a way about her that suggested she was just looking to get out of the house more than actually needing whatever Chick-fil-A pays by the hour, but that’s just me guessing. In those few and brief interactions we’ve had over the years, I’ve rarely had the gumption to ask for more than a value meal.

As is usually the case when I find myself driving a rental car like I am during this visit, I make myself a mix CD or two for those times when I don’t feel like navigating the local radio dial. One of the songs on the mix I whipped up this time around is “Brandy (You’re A Fine Girl” by the late (I’m guessing), great (I’m suggesting) Looking Glass. The song- as you might know- is about a bartender or cocktail waitress in a bar frequented by sailors. It’s catchy and it tells a story. What more can you really ask for in a pop song? Every time I hear it though, I can’t help but question that lyric about how Brandy serves the sailors “whiskey and wine.” Whiskey- sure, that makes sense. Sailors drinking wine though- isn’t that a little, um, gay? Something tells me the sailors walking into the bar and ordering a nice Pinot Grigio are sitting at their own table. Don’t get me wrong- I like wine, even a nice Pinot Grigio. But if I were a sailor, it would be whiskey, rum, and beer all the time. Also, I might wear an eye patch and punch people for no apparent reason. Then again, who am I calling gay? After all, I’m the one listening to “Brandy (You’re A Fine Girl)” in my rental car.

In other news, my friend Maureen’s brother was out driving at night in Illinois or Minnesota (I forget which) and hit a rabbit last week or maybe the week before. He looked back to see nothing lying in the road and assumed the rabbit must have survived the altercation. When he walked out to his car the following morning though, he found out otherwise. Poor little guy. That just looks painful. And I’m sure a wild rabbit dying in the grill of a Mercedes is a metaphor for something or another, but I just can’t think of what that might be right now.

In still other news, my rock band Valley Lodge has just been sent some dates for our Japanese invasion. The details are still being sorted out, but as of this writing we are supposed to play shows in Osaka, Nagoya, Kyoto, and Tokyo in March. Hopefully it will all go off without a hitch and our plans for Japanese domination will be realized. I will keep you posted on this and other topics soon.

Dave Hill

Happy Holidays And Stuff

2008-12-24T13:04:00.000-05:00

Dave Hill

Jelena And Me

2008-12-22T13:53:00.001-05:00

This past Friday, I woke up at 4:30am (which is really early and was also especially difficult since just hours earlier I had my Dave Hill Explosion show with excellent special guest A.C. Newman at UCB. There is little writeup here, by the way) to fly to West Palm Beach, Florida to interview tennis greats Venus and Serena Williams and Jelena Jankovic for HBO, the popular premium cable television network. Being a tennis great in my own mind and all, it was a real treat to spend the day with my peers and completely test their patience. Above is a picture of me with number one-ranked tennis great Jelena Jankovic, who is from Serbia and seriously great at tennis. In this photo, I am demonstrating what the kids might call my “mad ball skillz.” Word.

Dave Hill

The Dave Hill Explosion w/A.C. Newman TOMORROW Night, Dec. 18 at UCB

2008-12-17T12:39:00.004-05:00

Attention People of New York City:

Hello. This is that guy Dave Hill again writing to remind you one last time that TOMORROW, December 18 at 9:30pm at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre, located in the heart of New York City's can-do Chelsea neighborhood, I will be touching hearts, minds, and at times even my own privates during a little something I like to call the Dave Hill Explosion a/k/a the show that makes "Wicked" look like a goddamn kindergarten talent show at a school where all the kids are, like, not really all that talented, even for little kids. I know a lot of shows this time of year make promises of being a "Holiday Spectacular" or some such thing. And while the holidays (all of them) will occasionally be hinted at, alluded to, and at times even directly referenced throughout the night, I can assure you that my show will ultimately be a letdown when it comes to matters of the holidays (some of them). However, if you would like to see a show that will deliver to you one solid hour of entertainment so staggering that it will make you want to have intercourse sex with me or even anyone simply standing near me then, well, you are really gonna like this show I am totally going to be putting on tomorrow night. As for the intercourse sex, however, I make no promises as I am a busy man. Anyway, I really hope you can come to my show tomorrow night. Aside from all the heat I will bringing on my own without even trying, I will be joined tomorrow by rock great A.C. Newman a/k/a Carl Newman from the great Canadian rock group the New Pornographers, celebrity psychic (which is to say a psychic who traffics in celebrities) John Cohan, and a third surprise guest whom you will no doubt find to be both surprising and guestlike in nature (not Lil' John nor Lil' Wayne, as rumored on the pages of Smooth). And, of course, to my right, left, and sometimes directly behind and/or in front of me will be my mysterious bearded sidebitch Phil, who is from parts unknown but maintains an undisclosed local residence. Join us, won't you? It is just five bucks, which is not so much really. "Does this ticket come with a time machine to 1978? Because I cannot believe how little I have paid for it," you will be saying to yourself upon entry. Ha! Can you imagine? You can get tickets right here.

Love,
Dave Hill

Twitter

2008-12-16T12:16:00.002-05:00

In an effort to spend even more time on the Internet, I have just joined Twitter, the popular website I simultaneously love and hate. You can waste time with me, by clicking here. Come, Armageddon, come!

Dave Hill

This Moment In Slade

2008-12-16T10:18:00.002-05:00

My Slade obsession continues. Today I encourage you to check out this video of the band playing their excellent rock song "Gudbuy T'Jane" on some European music show (note the host in the beginning- he's pretty awesome). As of this writing, I think this song may very well be the best shaker song ever, which is to say the use of the percussive instrument known in the shaker is unrivaled in my expert rock opinion. I hope you enjoy it so much. Play air shaker if you want. I do. Also, please not the band's hair in this video. It is quite simply without parallel.

Dave Hill

A Practical Skill

2008-12-16T00:54:00.002-05:00

I guess I am playing right into the hands of the Nokia people by embedding this video here, but seriously- if I could do this I would pretty much be doing it all the time. Occasionally, I would take breaks for banging.

Dave Hill

Mondays- Am I Right Or Am I Right?

2008-12-15T14:17:00.000-05:00

Dave Hill

The Dave Hill Explosion w/A.C. Newman THIS THURSDAY Dec. 18 at UCB

2008-12-13T11:35:00.003-05:00

Attention People of New York City:

Hello. This is your man Dave Hill writing to let you know that this Thursday, December 18 at 9:30pm at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre over there in historic Chelsea, I will be bringing the heat like some kind of heat-bringing motherf#@ker or something in the form of my popular nightclub act the Dave Hill Explosion, now in its third questionable year! Personally, I am pretty excited about it- and I am not just saying that because everyone in attendance will be receiving a complimentary Toblerone (Yes, you read that right), the classiest candy ever made, something that was supposed to be a surprise but when you are sitting here typing in a room packed floor-to-ceiling with free and delicious Toblerone it is not exactly easy to stay quiet about that sort of thing. Anyway, this show is going to be, like, really incredible, so much in fact that it is going to make all previous Explosions look like I was just practicing and also a little bit drunk. I am going to be doing all the usual incredible stuff, some brand new incredible stuff, and also this one thing involving a cadre of live bees and the North American debut of my patented nougat suit that is pretty much guaranteed to land me some serious coverage on the blogs. As if all of that is not enough, I will be joined on Thursday by none other than rock professional A.C. Newman a/k/a Carl Newman of the excellent rock band the New Pornographers as well as another exciting guest whose name shall remain a surprise until it is announced at a later date, at which point the surprise will transform into sexy information that you will want to make sweet, sweet love to in the small hours of the night. And yet you will feel no shame as this is an abstraction and there is no shame in abstraction banging. In fact, it is encouraged. Ask anyone. Should you approach the mystery guest himself in an inappropriate manner, however, you are on your own. However, I will also be joined on Thursday by my bearded sidebitch Phil, whom you are perfectly welcome to approach in any manner you like. Blame it on the Toblerone. You can get tickets right here.

In other, non-Explosion-related news, I am generally opposed to self-promotion in any form. However, recently I was asked by the popular premium cable television network HBO to interview professional boxers Joe Calzaghe and Roy Jones on their channel because I am a sports expert and also an incredible physical specimen that chicks totally want to bang. My interviews with these boxing greats are now available for Internet consumption below. Please watch all five segments right now and force others to do the same or I will cut myself. Here they are.

And as long as this is shaping up to be the longest e-mail ever totally mailed to someone (And hey- you are already on the Internet and stuff so, you know, let us just keep this whole thing going!) I have also been doing video interviews for New York Magazine's popular website in which I ride around in their elevator and turn the screws on people like Steve Guttenberg, David Rakoff, Chris March, and the lovely Martha Plimpton. You can watch those interviews right here. And you should:

Hurray for love,
Dave Hill

This Week In Bad Judgment: Rocker Stabbed

2008-12-12T17:32:00.002-05:00

My friend Rob sent me this story today about an Italian metal band whose members stabbed their guitar player multiples times because he didn’t play well enough. Now that’s commitment to excellence. Being a rock-n-roller myself and all, I can relate to being frustrated by a fellow band member’s lack of proficiency on their instrument, but I usually just shoot them a dirty look or something and they get the hint. Stabbing though- that’s some serious next level shit right there. Fortunately, the guitar player didn’t die or anything, but there’s still no word as of this writing on whether or not he is officially out of the band. I’m guessing practice this week is cancelled though. And I imagine the guitar player is going to start practicing scales and stuff more from now on. I mean, that’s just common sense.

Dave Hill

Three-Legged Dogs: What The F?

2008-12-12T11:23:00.002-05:00

Three-legged dogs- seriously, what the F? Before I moved to New York City, I don’t think I had ever seen a three-legged dog before. Here, though, I see them pretty much everywhere. In fact, based on my own experiences of looking at dogs in New York City, I would estimate that roughly one out of every three in this town is totally missing a leg. To their credit, the three-legged dogs don’t seem to mind so much. Personally, I would probably never shut up about it if I were missing a leg. “Wait up! Wait up! I am missing a leg!,” I would totally be saying all the time to all the people I would be trying to keep up with. The question is though, where did the dog legs go? I want some answers.

Dave Hill

Bishop And Douch Christmas

2008-12-10T16:11:00.002-05:00

One Sleep 'til Christmas - watch more funny videos

Feliz Navidad from my boys across the pond, Bishop and Douch. I hope you enjoy it so much.

Dave Hill

Philly Invasion, Vegetarian Whorehouses, And Knitting Factory Tonight

2008-12-08T12:24:00.006-05:00

It’s Monday and I am still comig down from two days of Exploding in scenic Philadelphia at the Shubin Theatre. The shows were really fun (Thanks to any and all folks who attended!). My guests on Friday were Philadelphia Inquirer columnist Karen Heller, former Bigger Lovers frontman Bret Tobias, and a chihuahua named Zoe. My guests on Saturday were author and filmmaker Bob Levis and musical guest Gemini Wolf (no chihuahua on Saturday). It was fun times all around and all the guests were great. Friday’s show was nice and crowded and Saturday’s was a bit sparsely attended, due in part to the inclement weather and also my general lack of popularity in Philadelphia I’m guessing.

The Explosions aside, other highlights of my trip to Philadelphia included hanging out with my nephew Luke, who is a baby who does baby stuff mostly; seeing a giant mural of Philadelphia hero Dr. J (above, pictured in non-basketball attire), an impressive mural any way you slice it, Dr. J-related or otherwise; eating the fuck out of some dim sum in Chinatown; and picking up a movie called “Don’t Deliver Us From Evil” from an interesting store called Juanita and Juan’s that you should seriously consider stopping into should you find yourself in Philly and in need of an incredible book or movie or if you would just like to see a taxidermied hyena up close and personal (That’s what first got me in the door. “Juanita and Juan’s- come for the stuffed hyena, stay for the French Satanic film from the ‘70’s that you hope might contain nudity!”).

Speaking of the great Juanita and Juan’s store, the guy at the store was telling us how the vegetarian restaurant down the street had recently been converted into a whorehouse (a conversion of this sort, I’m guessing, pretty much entails just stopping serving vegetarian food and starting to serve up whores, but I could be wrong- I have yet to run a vegetarian restaurant or a whorehouse. Someday.), much to the surprise of local vegetarians in search of a good meal at a price that won’t break the bank. Because I am the sort of guy who enjoys chance encounters with whorehouse operators (whores not so much though- I’m classy, real classy), I decided to knock on the door of the former vegetarian restaurant-turned-whorehouse to see how a whorehouse operator might answer the door. In my case, however, they simply didn’t. Next time, next time. I can feel it.

In other news, if you are looking for something to do tonight, come to this fun show I am doing at the Knitting Factory tonight with David Cross, Fred Armisen, Eugene Mirman, Leona Naess, God’s Pottery, Jessi Klein, Nick Diamonds, John Roberts, and many other showbiz greats. You like fun, right? This is an example of that.

Dave Hill

Best Overheard NYC Conversation Ever + Middle-aged Mohawks, Fauxhawks, and Too-Loud Headphones

2008-12-05T13:35:00.004-05:00

There are a lot of things I love about walking around New York City- looking at buildings, window shopping, looking at crazy people, looking at hot, hot babes, etc. But perhaps my favorite thing of all about walking around this town is overhearing little bits of people’s conversations. I don’t mean eavesdropping, I just mean hearing a sentence or two that on its own and/or taken completely out of context manages stand alone as a near work of art.

For a long time, my top prize in the Best Overheard Conversation in New York City went to the time I heard what appeared to be a twelve year-old boy walking with a few other twelve year-old boys down West 8th street who said to one them, “I just don’t want to be portrayed as a whore.” I have no idea what he could possibly have been talking about, but it was awesome to hear.

Today, however, I may have found a new winner. As I was walking up 8th Avenue this morning, I saw a nanny pushing along a 3 or 4 year-old girl in a stroller when she stopped to talk for a second to a thirtysomething white woman. After a couple seconds, the nanny continued on down the street and the little girl in the stroller looked up at her and asked, “Who was that?”

“That’s your mom,” the nanny smiled.

Pure gold.

In other news, further up 8th Avenue, I passed a man of about 45 with a mohawk. I’m not sure what it is about middle-aged men and mohawks, but it’s stunning how often I see the two of them together. I’m not sure what the cutoff age for having a mohawk should be (five, maybe?), but trust me on this one, old guys- unless your name is Travis Bickle, you might want to reconsider things. I mean, I get it- you’re a former punk rocker who is now working on putting a new commercial director reel together, but seriously- it’s time to get the clippers out again.

That having been said, the mohawk still beats the fauxhawk, perhaps the biggest indicator that a douchebag is approaching that I can think of as of this writing. If you have a fauxhawk and are reading this right now, step away from the computer and go to your nearest barber immediately. We can fix this. And moving forward- since you are clearly a man of questionable judgment- be sure to ask yourself before making any and all grooming and/or fashion decisions “Is this something David Beckham would do?” If the answer is yes, run away as quickly as you can. Glad I could help.

Oh, and one more thing- all you people on the subway who listen to your headphones so loud that I can hear every note of that shitty song your listening to, turn that shit down now before I fucking stab you.

Man, I am fired up today!

Dave Hill

Philly Explosions This Weekend

2008-12-04T15:14:00.003-05:00

Hi there. If you live in Philadelphia, you should totally come to one of my Dave Hill Explosions this Friday or Saturday night at the Shubin Theatre in your town. You can get tickets right here. Please come or I will cut myself. Also, there is a lengthy interview with me in which I specifically address the upcoming Philly Explosions and the details surrounding them on the popular Used Wigs website, located right here. Okay, that about covers it. I love Philadelphia and I love you.

Dave Hill

Chocolate Santa

2008-12-04T11:47:00.001-05:00

I couldn’t help but notice this chocolate Santa sitting/standing in the window of Li-lac Chocolates, the popular chocolate store in my neighborhood, this morning. This picture doesn’t do him justice, but- trust me on this on- he looked completely delicious. I imagine if I were a kid and I came downstairs on Christmas morning to discover a three-foot tall chocolate Santa staring at me, I would probably have a seizure. Come to think of it, I would probably have a seizure if that happened to me now.

On another note, I think Chocolate Santa would be an awesome name for a band. If you are looking for a name for your new band, you can totally have it. You’re welcome. Just don’t suck though. If you’re going to name your band Chocolate Santa, you better be able to really bring it. I’m counting on you. Chocolate Santa is counting on you.

Dave Hill

Enslaved, "The Watcher"

2008-12-04T00:04:00.002-05:00

ENSLAVED - The Watcher (album: VERTEBRAE)

Norwegian Black Metal band Enslaved made a new video for their song "The Watcher." If you have a band and you are at all considering making a music video, you should probably think about making it exactly like this one. They have pretty much nailed it. I think they could probably ditch the keyboards, but they make up for it with all the screaming.

Dave Hill

Beach Babes

2008-12-03T13:58:00.002-05:00

If there is one thing I have seriously been getting into lately, it is beach babes.

For the uninitiated, beach babes are not unlike regular babes except for the fact that they are at the beach. Also, beach babes wear beach attire, like a sexy, sexy bikini for example, which is awesome. It is this last bit of information that separates beach babes from ordinary babes, so if you or someone you know is seriously considering becoming a beach babe, it is at this point that you should pay close attention to pretty much everything I have to say (starting now):

Beach attire is the crucial ingredient in the making of a beach babe. Without beach attire, a beach babe is merely a babe at the beach, which is still really great in its own way yet ultimately not the same thing as far as I and a lot of other people with a penchant for beach babes are concerned.

I should probably mention at this point that if you are a babe who is even thinking about going to the beach, you might want to really think about going that extra distance and wearing a sexy, sexy bikini or attractive one-piece swimsuit of some sort (though the sexy, sexy bikini is preferred) so you can be a full-on beach babe, which in my expert opinion is the best kind of babe a babe can be. I mean, you are already at the beach, right? Why not beach babe it up?

In a perfect world, beach babes would be everywhere, but unfortunately for me and everyone else who loves beach babes just as much as I do, beach babes need the beach as much as the beach needs them. That is the plight of the beach babe. When a beach babe leaves the beach, she suddenly becomes just a babe in a sexy, sexy bikini and then next thing you know she is serving Jell-O shots on wing night somewhere or working at a car wash that most people can't get enough of as much as they might be unwilling to admit it to themselves or their loved ones and/or coworkers. Making matters worse, when a beach babe leaves the beach, she is sometimes confused with a babe who is just strolling around in public in her underwear for some reason (even though she is not), which is often frowned upon and sometimes even legislated against in modern society. And a beach babe wearing a one-piece bathing suit who is not at the beach has got it even worse. She just looks lost or confused. Personally, I hate the idea of a beach babe ever feeling lost or confused. That is because I love beach babes.

Dave Hill

Tuesday Hot Mix

2008-12-02T11:25:00.001-05:00

Depending on what kind of music you like, you might forward through half and/or all of this mix. Unless you are me or someone just like me (I am a dime a dozen), of course, and then you will love all of it.

Dave Hill

Killer Workout, Mark Messier, Black Metal Movie, And Other Things Of Great Importance

2008-12-01T23:10:00.006-05:00

I’ve just returned from yet another seriously killer workout at the gym, where I pretty much tore that elliptical machine a new one. People were all looking at me like “Is that thing made to go that fast?” And I was all like “It better be.” While I was there I watched something on the MSG network about hockey’s Mark Messier and his excellent career playing the fuck out of hockey. When I was a kid, I got Mark’s autograph in Pittsburgh before he was about to go in and play against the Penguins. About a dozen or so years later I met him again at a fancy party and I was all like “I met you when I was a kid and my dad drove me to Pittsburgh to see you play. Um, do you remember?” He didn’t. I was really excited just the same. He is one of the greats. He also did a Lay’s potato chip commercial. One of my other heroes Chris Elliott did a Doritos commercial. Here you can see the Chris on David Letterman in a clip where he gets to hang out with some of the New York Rangers, the team Messier last played for. The many coincidences here are startling:

In other news, this past weekend I watched the black metal documentary “Until the Light Takes Us.” As most people know, I am pretty much the King of Black Metal, so this was right up my alley. But even if you have never even heard of Black Metal, this movie is really great to watch. It’s fascinating, super dark, funny, and beautiful all at once. Go see that shit if you can.

In still other news, this weekend I also ate dinner at L’Artusi, the new restaurant opened by the guys who opened Dell’ Anima, the excellent Italian restaurant near my apartment. I love Dell’ Anima, so I was excited to try their new joint. It was awesome- great pastas, meats, fish, wine, and more. Go to either of those places and if you’re not completely satisfied, you can hunt me down and kick me in the nuts. They are Dave-approved.

And finally- apropos of nothing- I leave you with the Smiths, one of the greatest bands of all-time, playing “Headmaster Ritual” in Madrid a long time ago. Awesome.

Dave Hill

The Godfathers

2008-12-01T12:04:00.001-05:00

Back when I was a young person and anything seemed possible, my friend Willie turned me onto a band from England called the Godfathers, a badass quintet that trafficked in hits. The band had a relatively short run of rocking people in the ‘80’s and ‘90’s before closing up shop (though I understand they’ve recently reunited for some shows). They were/are pretty awesome. I had a chance to see them play in New York back when I was in college and was willing to leave the house. The Godfathers’ lead guitar player had an awesome Zemaitis Les Paul-style guitar with silvery tiles all over it. It was badass and so was the band in general. They dressed really well and had incredible hair too- which is half the battle if you really think about it (or even if you don’t think that hard about it at all). Above is the video for the Godfathers hit “I Want Everything.” I hope you enjoy it so much. You can get some of their music on iTunes. And you should.

Dave Hill

Dave Recommends: Stories In Echo Park

2008-12-01T11:12:00.004-05:00

Hi there. Do you like books, coffee, food, and cool gifts and shit? Me too. I'm all over that shit, like, for real. Anyway, if you find yourself in Echo Park out West, you should totally swing by my friend Liz's new store called Stories ("store called Stories"- it's a tongue twister. Imagine if I had left out the word "called"- you might have had an aneurysm. I wouldn't do that to you. I'm on your side), because it's totally got all of that stuff and more. There's, like, a million reasons to go there and spend tons of time and also some money (or lots of it). To quote the great Dr. Hannibal Lecter from the hit movie "Silence of the Lambs," "You go now!" Come for the books and coffee and stuff, stay for the cool bull logo.

Dave Hill

Hot Jamz For A Wet Sunday

2008-11-30T18:44:00.001-05:00

Dave Hill

Sons of Elvis

2008-11-30T15:44:00.002-05:00

I was poking around on the popular Internet website YouTube today in search of any old videos of my first band Sons of Elvis. I came up somewhat empty as far as actual footage of us, but I did find a bunch of videos that have a still photograph and one of our songs playing. Here is one for our song "Reggie Makes The Scene," one of my favorite songs to play live with the band back when we used to rock people. The song was named after something written on an Archie comic book-themed glass I got at a thrift store. It was the '90s. We were just kids and there were no rules back then, dammit. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it so much.

Dave Hill

Four-Man Disadvantage

2008-11-26T10:47:00.006-05:00

Last night, I made my debut on the ice for the 2008-2009 hockey season by helping lead my old men’s league team, the King Williams, to its third defeat of the season. I missed the first couple games of the season due to what members of the blogosphere are calling “scheduling conflicts” and “a general malaise.” I was sure to be there last night though as we were taken down in a 4-2 battle of wits against that one team with the purple jerseys.

I am in arguably in the best shape I have ever been since coming out of semi-retirement last season to help my team almost win a game (but ultimately fail in the end) on several occasions. Even so, it was not enough to help my team score more goals than the 8 or 10 fat old guys who showed up last night to beat us in a game that was witnessed by roughly three or four people, most of whom appeared to work at the rink and/or be dating one of the players. I didn’t fall down for no apparent reason at any point in the game though, so I have high hopes for myself in the games to come. With further conditioning and practice, I think I might be able to give my 12 year-old self a run for his money in terms of being seriously good at hockey. Still, I think the 18 year-old me will likely always be able to skate circles around me in the alternate universe hockey league where I am able to play against versions of myself at various points in my life, a league that it is fair to say would be the most yelling and screaming-free league of all-time. Despite my overall joie de vivre and whatnot, I have somehow never had the sass or gumption to yell much at sporting events, even ones that I am physically participating in. Maybe I am missing a chromosome or something, the one that helps you get worked up about things in a vocal manner.

Of particular excitement last night was the fact that earlier in the day I bought a new helmet, perhaps the first new helmet I’ve had since the ‘80’s or so. This one fits too. It’s not easy to find a helmet, hat, or headgear of any sort that fits my oversized Irish skull, but somehow the young kid named Billy at Paragon sports made it happen yesterday. Where was he when I was fourteen and circling the ice with a near-blinding headache? Maybe things could have been different and I would have acheived my NHL dreams. I guess I’ll never really know for sure.

Now I am back up in my apartment, slightly sore and dealing with the stench emanating from a bag full of sweaty hockey equipment. It’s not easy being 1/4 Canadian. But I wouldn’t change a thing (except for maybe the big head syndrome. It would be nice to wear a cool hat every once in a while).

Dave Hill

Alessi's Ark

2008-11-25T23:58:00.004-05:00

Last week I saw Alessi Marke a/k/a Alessi's Ark play at the Cornelia Street Cafe (which- as hinted at in the name- is on Cornelia Street in the West Village here in NYC). She's just 18 and is seriously awesome, like, for real. I think she's gonna be big with the young people and also old people like me too. She has an EP coming out next month and a full album on Astralwerks in the U.S. and Virgin everywhere else (I think) in March. Go buy that shit. Her video for her song "The Horse" is above.

Dave Hill

Mary's Soulmatch

2008-11-25T19:38:00.002-05:00

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Here is the latest from my friend Chris Schneider, a funny and talented and also frightening man. I hope you enjoy it so much.

Dave Hill

Panda 2, Hug Seekers 0 + The Roches Make Highline Ballroom Their Bitch

2008-11-24T13:53:00.003-05:00

I always enjoy hearing about incidents in which animals put humans in their place (with the exception of the time my family’s Golden Retriever bit an 11 year-old me in the face for kissing him goodnight on his snout when he was asleep. That I was not so crazy about. The incident did, however, help me finally make sense of that old saying “Let sleeping dogs lie.” As my face and neck dripped with my own blood that cold December evening, I totally, totally got it.) This past weekend I read a story about a young panda in China named Yang Yang that bit a student who climbed into the his enclosure in hopes of hugging him. The fact that a panda would bite someone who entered his home in search of a hug came as a surprise to, well, pretty much just the student who got bitten I’m guessing.

"Yang Yang was so cute and I just wanted to cuddle him. I didn't expect he would attack," the 20-year-old student explained. But when the whole thing went down, Yang Yang in effect said “No, no” and took back the night on that motherfucker. I would have paid good money to see it. Maybe it’s on tape somewhere. God, I hope so.

What makes this story even more entertaining is the fact that this is the second time Yang Yang bit someone who tried to give him a hug. Apparently some drunken tourist tried to do the exact same thing a couple years ago.

Yang Yang- I just can’t stay mad at him.

In other news, this past Friday I went to see the Roches at Highline Ballroom. Shit, they were awesome. I actually got chills at various points in the show. It’s sad that they are going to stop performing live soon. I hope they change their minds about that. They have so many great songs and are maybe the most vocally innovative group in Western music (to be fair, they do some pretty crazy shit in the East). When I am a rich man someday I am going to hire them to show up at my house every morning, sneak into my bedroom, and wake me up by singing their version of “Hallelujah.” Then we can go get breakfast or something.

Here are the Roches singing “One Season,” one of my faves by them, in 1983. They do this crazy part where they sing all out of tune on purpose. Awesome. They played this one on Friday. It was so great they might as well have just walked off stage and punched me in the nuts. I was that blown away.

The excellent Lucy Wainwright Roche opened the show with a set that I wish had been five times longer. Lucy should be playing at Madison Square Garden. I think she should also have animatronic dragons on stage and maybe also a castle like Ronnie James Dio used to have in the '80's, but I would be happy if it were just her and her guitar too.

Dave Hill

Metal Videos Galore (Nudity Included!)

2008-11-20T10:39:00.010-05:00

Hi. Here is a video of me presenting some of my favorite Scandinavian metal videos on the popular website Metal Injection. If you have 37 minutes to spare, you have just hit easy street, specifically a metal-related easy street. Also, one of the videos has nakedness in it, so if you are watching it at your job you might get in big trouble as that sort of thing is often frowned upon for reasons I will never understand.

Dave Hill

New York Bar Show Video

2008-11-19T09:33:00.002-05:00

Hi there. Recently I attended the New York Bar Show at the Jacob Javits Center. It was one of the most incredible days of my life. I hope you enjoy this video so much. Please watch it and then make all your friends watch it by sending them here. Or you could just have them watch it on this page here. That would be fine too.

Dave Hill

Slade, "Far, Far Away"

2008-11-18T14:09:00.000-05:00

It’s been all Slade, all the time over here at Dave Hill headquarters the past few days, and not just because their guitar player and I have the same name (i.e. his name is Dave Hill too). Slade were a giant band in the United Kingdom back in the ‘70’s, even outselling David Bowie at their peak, and were a big influence on Kiss, Cheap Trick, and the Ramones. Even better, they are from the “Black Country” of England, home of those pork scratchings I tried and failed to enjoy during my London invasion.

Slade had some awesome songs and pretty incredible outfits and singer Noddy Holder had one of the best rock voices of all-time if you ask me. His hair and sideburns are pretty great too. Here is Slade playing their hit song (in England anyway) “Far, Far Away” on a German television show. I like how the audience seems to be looking pretty much everywhere but at the band. It’s just...weird.

Dave Hill

Monday Mixtape Jamming Jamz

2008-11-17T14:44:00.001-05:00

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It's Monday and I am procrastinating by making this mixtape.

Dave Hill

Super Hot Mixx For Today

2008-11-14T13:19:00.001-05:00

Imagine if you were at a bar with a pretty decent jukebox and every once in a while someone else was somehow able to slip in a song or two in between the ones you and that drunk girl you met outside the bathroom decided to put on with the singles you borrowed from your friend Todd. It might sound a little something like this. I hope you enjoy it so much.

Dave Hill

Go See The Roches At Highline Ballroom Next Weekend Or I Will Stab You

2008-11-13T11:31:00.003-05:00

The Roches, pretty much the most awesome folk trio ever (Peter, Paul, and Mary can suck it), are playing what are rumored to be some of their last ever New York City shows on November 21 and November 22 at the Highline Ballroom. You should totally go. There has never been another group like the Roches and there never will be. I got into them pretty late in the game- just in the last couple years- and I regret not checking them out, like, twenty years ago or so because I would have had a lot of great listening going on for myself. I’m not a big folk fan generally speaking, but- like all great artists- the Roches transcend any genre one might try to stick them into, so much in fact that even a heavy metal-obsessed youngish man like myself can flip for them. They sing great and they have been writing consistently great songs their entire career. In short, the Roches are so fucking awesome it’s not even fucking funny.

You can hear the Roches here and get more info on the shows, both of which will feature the arena-ready Lucy Wainwright Roche as the opener, here. And when you come to the show, be sure to say hi to me. I will be the guy right up front with no shirt on.

Dave Hill

I Love Serial Killers

2008-11-12T11:45:00.003-05:00

I Love Serial Killers

Atom.com: Funny Videos | Spoofs | TV & Movie Spoofs

Hi there. Here is a parody video by the lovely and talented Margot Leitman called "I Love Serial Killers" in which I play a particularly disgusting Roman Polanski. Lots of my friends are also in this video and they are great. You should watch the F out of it right now.

Dave Hill

Chris March + Me + Elevator= Lots O' Fun

2008-11-12T07:41:00.004-05:00

Recently, I rode in an elevator with the lovely Chris March, whom you no doubt remember from the hit program "Project Runway" for New York Magazine. You can watch what happened above. I hope you enjoy it so much. I know I did.

And here is my mixtape for today:

Dave Hill

Random Jamz

2008-11-11T19:10:00.003-05:00

I created this completely arbitrary and not very flowing mixtape using a web application I found via Bob Mould's blog. I hope you enjoy some or all of it. I'm not sure how to fix the song labels. They are based on however the original files were labeled somewhere out there on the Internet. "Rather Go" is by Lucy Wainwright Roche. The rest should be fairly accurately labeled (if misspelled).

Dave Hill

London Invasion Part 3

2008-11-11T17:56:00.005-05:00

I’ve just returned from my ten-day invasion of London and am now getting back to the day-to-day of figuring out what that smell in my apartment is. London was pretty great and I hope to go back soon. I felt pretty at home there because the weather is just like my native Cleveland and also I don’t tan well. All the shows I did were really fun, even my night at the Fitzroy Tavern doing the “Pear Shaped Comedy Club” show. Advertised as “London’s 2nd worst comedy club,” it quickly had me wondering about who was standing in the way of the #1 spot. I had a great time though, despite a rough set. It was sort of like having an itch you don’t mind scratching. And hosts Brian and Krysstal were great. It was a delightfully bizarre evening that I look forward to attending next time I’m in town.

My show on Sunday with Bishop and Douch at Hen and Chickens was a blast and also the messiest show I’ve even been a part of. We had to mop the place down twice when it was all over. Hopefully Bishop and Douch will come back to New York City soon. They are great. We even have nicknames for each other. I call them “skinny little cunts” and they call me “fat cunt.” Somehow we make it work. Thanks, guys.

As mentioned earlier, the Fix Magazine shows I did were super fun. Thanks to Harry for letting climb on the bill both nights. Check out his excellent comedy mag here. Another really fun show I did was Falling Down with Laughter near the London Bridge Tube stop. After the show I watched Obama win the election on a big screen TV in some bar with horrible laser lights shooting everywhere and even worse karaoke going on in the background. It was a bizarre way to witness history being made. I shan’t forget it.

Another fun show I did was in the upstairs room of a bar across from Borough Market just south of the Thames River. I made some new friends there and drank too much of that cask ale once again. Like every other night I was in London, I just seemed like such a good idea at the time. Speaking of which, many of the bars in London seemed to be named after someone or another's head (e.g. Nags Head, Old King's Head, Queen's Head, etc.).

I didn’t get a chance to make any phone calls in those red phone booths while I was in London, but I did step into one to talk on a cell phone once only to discover that that particular phone booth was more commonly used as a urinal. Stanky.

As you can probably tell, the trip overall has left me pretty brain dead, but in a really nice way. I’ve been gone from NYC for most of the last month save for a few days here and there. It’ll be nice to be back home and complaining about everything all the time again for a while. I’ll keep you posted about this and other topics soon. Brace yourself.

Dave Hill

London Invasion Part 2

2008-11-05T08:00:00.002-05:00

The mayhem is picking up here in London. I am slowly getting over my jetlag and replacing it with a fairly nonstop hangover. There’s something about this place that is really conducive to drinking (like the fact that there is an inviting bar on every corner for example). As my new British friend Harry Deansway told me, drinking during the day is a national pasttime here. So far I have confined most of my drinking to after the sun goes down, but I am still taking a beating. I say all of this not to condone the party lifestyle, but just to let you know that I party, like, all the time in this country, dude. Hand-pumped cask ales are available in most of the bars I’ve stopped into here, and since that sort of thing is harder to find in the U.S. I have felt slightly obligated to do lots and lots of research on the topic.

Speaking of matters of great importance, it was exciting to watch the election results come in late last night over here. I am pretty excited about this whole Obama business, as is pretty much every person I have spoken to in London. Even the kebab guy gave me a free Fanta orange soda last night after he discovered I was an American Obama supporter. It was delicious- the taste of progress and also quite orangey.

In other exciting news, the shower in my hotel room is pretty cool. It has a removable shower head and I’ve discovered this great trick where I spray my leg hair in different patterns and it makes my legs look all extra hairy and awesome, like I’m a satyr or something. I’m pretty fired up about the whole thing. It’s a wonder I get anything else done during the day over here. See the photo above to take in the magic.

Okay, I have to do something distinctly British or maybe just go get lunch or something. I will give a full and incredible update soon. Brace yourself.

Dave Hill

London Invasion Part 1

2008-11-03T12:54:00.003-05:00

It’s Monday and I’ve been in London now since Halloween (which I didn’t think they celebrated here but it turns out they do. Maybe we’re not so different after all). As rumored on the Internet and in much of English literature, it is cold and rainy here. Also, I am having trouble mastering how to flush the toilets over here. It takes a few tries usually. I can’t figure out if it’s me or the toilet that’s the problem (signs point to me). I will keep you posted.

I performed at my first set on Saturday at the 100 Club as part of the Fix Magazine’s monthly show. Things went pretty well, which is to say I didn’t get pelted with anything during my set, so I’m considering it one for the win column. The other acts on the bill were great- John Shuttleworth, Tim Key, Pappy’s Fun Club, host Harry Deansway, and an impromptu set by a Scottish comedian named Stephen (I can’t remember his last name). Everyone was really funny. I had trouble understanding their accents from time to time, but I imagine people had the same problem with me what with my crazy American talking and all. Now that I think about it, a lot of people in America don’t understand my accent either.

The 100 Club itself is really cool. It’s an old club where I’m told they have mostly jazz now but over the years it seems like just about everyone of note has played there- the Stones, Metallica, Oasis, B.B. King, and probably anyone else you could think of. And now me too. Yeah! That’s a picture of me standing next to a wall of photos in the club. I pretty much nailed it with the hair.

After the show, a bunch of us went out for drunken Chinese food in London’s Chinatown before heading over to a nearby hotel bar for a nightcap I probably didn’t need. Then it was back to my hotel to try to figure out how to work the TV and give the toilet another shot. I have pretty much mastered the TV I am proud to say. The toilet will be conquered soon.

Dave Hill

A Couple Things Of Note And Stuff

2008-10-31T01:59:00.007-04:00

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Here are a couple things worth mentioning. I mean, hey, why not? Anyway, for starters, my latest Fashion Week video is and/or was on the Funny Or Die homepage today. You can also watch it above.

In other news, here is a video of my new soulmate Lucy Lawless talking about being on my Dave Hill Explosion show in Los Angeles last week. Lucy seems a little wiped out in this video, but still her excitement over the whole thing we've got going between us now is barely containable. Though we haven't yet discussed it, I'm 98-99% certain we will be spending Thanksgiving together this year.

Dave Hill

My British Invasion: Updated Like A Motherf@%ker

2008-10-30T18:46:00.004-04:00

Attention People Of London (Or People Who Might Totally Know People Of London And Could Tell Them About All This):

Hello. This is your man Dave Hill writing to let you know that- as rumoured (please note my embrace of the British spelling- I am on your side) in the Scandinavian press- I am totally coming to your town for nine straight days of nonstop entertainment (which is to say me delivering entertainment to you, the people of London, not the other way around, though I am open to it) in the form of six shows in which I will command the stage for somewhere in the neighborhood of 15 to 30 minutes at a time (subject to change and/or other factors even I'm not sure I can handle). I know what you are thinking right now and- trust me on this one- I am pretty excited about this whole thing too. According to public records, I am roughly 10 to 35 percent English by blood and I have the hair and outfits to prove it. Needless to say, my triumphant return to my ancestral homeland to give the people of London the full-on entertainment asskicking (I mean this in a good way. It is a good asskicking. Also, I am wondering if I mean to say arsekicking in this case. Please advise) they deserve is probably the greatest thing that has ever happened to me or anyone else in my entire extended family, including my uncle Phil, the infamous minor league baseball great who remains a burden to the Florida state court system to this day. And not to get all political here or anything, but if McCain wins next week I am not leaving your country so we (which is to say you and me) really need to make things work. I think your food is delicious and- let's face it- you guys sound smarter than us Americans when you talk. Please come to one or all of my London shows and I promise I will do my damnedest to get Hong Kong back for you guys as my part of the deal. I'm not sure how we let that one slip away in the first place. Based on snacks alone, it was totally worth keeping. Anyway, I really hope you can come to one, some, most, or all of my shows next week. It is going to be an incredible experience for everyone involved (which is my way of saying I am bringing my artificial snow machine, customs be damned). I have pasted my complete schedule just a couple lines below the sentence I am typing right now:

Nov. 1- 100 Club 7:30pm
The Fix show featuring acts John Shuttleworth, Tim Key, Pappy’s Fun Club, and me, Dave Hill, mentioned earlier.

Nov. 3- Wilmington Arms 8pm
New comedy night that I don’t know the name of but am still confident will be incredible.

Nov. 4- Belushi's Bar 8:30pm
Falling Down With Laughter show, also incredible.

Nov. 5- Fitzroy Tavern 8:30pm
Pear Shaped Comedy, seriously incredible and also pear-shaped as I understand it.

Nov. 6- Haven Pub 8:30pm
The Comedy Haven, so incredible that it's actually kind of ridiculous.

Nov. 9- Hen and Chickens Theatre 9pm
Dual show with the great Bishop and Douch, pronounced differently than I would otherwise prefer.

More elaborate details can be found on my MySpace page. If you come to a show I will buy you a glass of something afterwards.

Love,
Dave Hill

Valley Lodge Rock Show TONIGHT At Bar 9

2008-10-29T13:59:00.003-04:00

Hi there,

Just a quick reminder that my seriously good rock band Valley Lodge will be breaking out the hits at Bar 9 (807 9th Avenue between 53rd and 54th Streets in scenic Hell's Kitchen) at 8:30pm TONIGHT. The great Mad Larry (ex-Bogmen guys) will be rocking right after us. Don't miss this rare opportunity to see us play in a venue that serves nachos and other reasonably priced, cheese-themed snacks. It's wet outside, but the Valley Lodge rock will make you even wetter. Wait, that's gross. Sorry. Anyway, come tonight and we'll talk it out after the show. We will playing all the old hits plus some of the new hits from our forthcoming, obscure second album and also our current Japanese debut (currently available with exciting new artwork and some Japanese writing and stuff right here. I'm not saying you should buy our Japanese album (though you are welcome to), but I would like to point out how we totally have a half-naked chick on the cover and there's nothing my parents can do about it.

XO,
Dave Hill

The Battle Of Los Angeles

2008-10-27T20:31:00.007-04:00

Today, I write to you from a Whole Foods in Venice, California. I can’t decide yet whether Whole Foods is evil (not enough data), though I can confirm that many of their offerings are sinfully delicious (See how I did that?). My guess is that Whole Foods is probably bad. But they have free wireless and I am hungry and needed to get out of the house for a bit, so it won because it is right near where I am staying and I have promised myself I won’t go to that placed called Cock ‘n Bull again until after sundown.

Speaking of bad, I just ate a bunch of sushi-to-go (which is to say sushi that comes in a plastic container and sits there for a really long time until someone like me decides they need to eat it as quickly as possible). It’s Monday and I am just sort of/kind of remembering that it’s bad to eat sushi on Monday (something about it being the day after Sunday, when fresh fish is not delivered or caught or something). Anyway, the sushi was not so good though ultimately served its purpose of making me not think about eating anymore. It is kind of making me thinkg about puking now, but that is something for another entry altogether. For now, I will focus on drinking liquids and counting on the can-do attitude of my immune system to get me through.

Tonight is my last night here in Los Angeles. I get up at an absurdly early hour tomorrow morning and wing it (which is to say fly on a plane) back to NYC for a couple days before heading off to London for a bit (which is to say ten days). I’m not sure what it is about travel that is so exhausting, but somehow it is, even though so much of it seems to involve just sitting there while some mode of transportation or another takes you someplace where you will probably have snacks and slightly too much to drink. I am tired from the past week and getting even more tired thinking about the next couple weeks to come. And I am boring even myself just typing about it. And I need more snacks.

My trip to Los Angeles has been pretty. I have done a bunch of shows- my lovely friend Tig Notaro’s Largo show, my own Explosion show at the UCB Theatre out here, the Tomorrow Show at the Steve Allen Theatre (that’s a bust of Steve above. Someday it- or at least an exact replica- will sit on the mantle in my really expensive and easy-to-get-lost-in home somewhere), Ali Waller’s Sunday night show at Molly Malone’s, and tonight’s “What’s Up, Tiger Lily?” show at the Cuba Libre bar (which- to be fair- still exists in the future). Given some extreme digestive problems I have been battling during my stay, most of the shows so far have involved me just trying to get through things without a major pants-changing incident being thrown into the mix. Thanks to the sushi I just ate, the problem is likely to continue or- at the very least- be something I keep thinking about too much. I pretty much don’t learn things, generally speaking.

Of note during my visit this week is that this past Saturday I attended my first ever roller derby. It was pretty fun but also pretty much exactly as I expected- punk rock-ish girls skating in a circle, trying not to fall down, and shoving each other around from time to time. All in all, not a bad way to spend a Saturday. Next time I will bring the whole family and every so often point at one of the girls on the track and say “That one! That’s the one I really think would understand me!”

This morning, I had coffee at a popular coffee spot here in Venice where I have been going pretty much every morning during my Los Angeles invasion. This time around I decided to sit outside and drink my coffee with the regulars. It was there that I found myself completely annoyed by some guy attempting to impart wisdom about “pain” in its many forms and then talking at length to someone else’s dog. I can’t stand it when people try to communicate with and/or entertain adult humans around them by talking to an animal and/or pre-verbal child at length. I can handle a “You’re such a cutey! Yes you are!” or “You want the ball, don’t ya?!” (both accetpable things to say to dogs and small children) from time to time, but beyond that I really need people to shut the hell up on this front, at least when I am around and haven’t yet had my coffee anyway. Most of the time, the real message in these situations seems to be “Look at how thoughtful I am in talking to this animal that has no idea what I am saying. Will you make out with me?” Or something like that anyway. Then again, I realize the problem here might actually be me. I am starting with the man in the mirror. I’m asking him to change his ways. Oh, I also hate that version of Tom Petty’s “Free Fallin’” as song by John Mayer that I just heard on the radio. What the F? Why take a perfectly good song, slow it down, and sing it like a total pussy? It doesn’t make it better. It makes me want to stab him.

Okay, I will stop whining and get back to talking about myself some more. I am up on the HBO Boxing home page today. You can see it right here. And here is something to make everything right with the world once more. I guess I would try to talk to this guy too.

Oh, and here is another picture of me and Lucy Lawless really enjoying each other's company. You ever just know when something feels...right?

Dave Hill

Roy Jones And Joe Calzaghe Are Totally Gonna Get In A Fight

2008-10-24T16:10:00.004-04:00

Are you a boxing expert? Me neither. That's why HBO hired me to interview boxers Joe Calzaghe and Roy Jones before their big boxing match at Madison Square Garden on November 8, which is going to be on HBO pay-per-view. I am happy neither one of them kicked my ass (too much). I hope you like these videos a whole bunch.

Dave Hill

¡Explosion Dé Los Angeles!

2008-10-23T13:05:00.004-04:00

I can't go into too much detail right now, but the Explosion here in Los Angeles (where I totally am right now) was pretty explosive, as evidenced by this photo of me and the most important person in my life right now, Lucy Lawless. She was great and we really "get each other." Loudon Wainwright III, who played two great songs- one about California, one about Florida- was amazing too, though- for the record- at no point did we come close to making out (though I do have great admiration for the man). Full report and more photos coming soon.

Dave Hill

Dave Hill's L.A. Explosion w/Loudon Wainwright III + Lucy Lawless TOMORROW, Tuesday, October 21 At UCBT LA

2008-10-20T21:36:00.002-04:00

Attention People of Los Angeles (And Also People Who Might Totally Know People of Los Angeles):

Hello. Must type fast. Losing blood quickly. Anyway, this is your man Dave Hill writing to remind you one last time that TOMORROW night, which to say Tuesday, October 21 at 10:30pm, I will be exploding like a motherf#@ker all over again over there at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in Hollywood. If you see just one thing that is explosive in nature tomorrow night, you should totally see my show because it is going to be incredible to the point where it makes all other things previously thought to be incredible to suddenly seem, like, not really all that incredible if you think about it (with the exception of Olympic figure skating great Oksana Baiul's gold medal-winning performace at the 1994 Winter Olympics, something we still talk about to this day). My guests on the show tomorrow night will be actress/singer Lucy Lawless, whom you no doubt remember from such programs as "Xena: Warrior Princess," "Battlestar Galactica," and a ton of other programs besides those ones I just mentioned; and also singer/songwriter/actor/man-about-town Loudon Wainwright III, whom you no doubt remember from the radio and also the popular films "The Aviator," "40 Year-Old Virgin," and "Knocked Up." There will also be snacks, fire, small animals, knives, smoke, and dancing. I really hope you can make it. You can get tickets right here.

Love,
Dave Hill

Night Sharks, Explosions, And Other Topics

2008-10-18T15:50:00.004-04:00

It’s been an action-packed past couple weeks. I’ll get into all of that stuff in a second, but before that I would like to urge you to watch the f@#k out of the video above, which is a futuristic music video for the Children of the Unicorn (AKA one of my scorching hot rock bands) song “Night Shark.” It pretty much has everything. Thanks to the fine folks at Disposable Television for making the whole thing a sharkriffic reality. I hope you enjoy it so much.

Okay, now back to the action-packed past couple weeks. This past Thursday, I did my world-famous Dave Hill Explosion show over there at the UCB Theatre in Chelsea. As Explosions go, I felt a bit off my game (whatever that is) but I had fun time with my excellent guests Moby and Walter Schreifels, who did renditions of Kansas’s “Dust in the Wind” and Gorilla Biscuits “Cats and Dogs” respectively. My usual sidebitch Phil was off rocking somewhere in Massachusetts with his heavy metal tribute to the Bee Gees, Tragedy, so I got my friend Doug Gillard (a/k/a guitar player for Guided by Voices) to sit in on the action as my one-man house band. He nailed that shit. Brooklyn Vegan did a nice writeup of the show here and even Moby himself blogged about it right here. And as long as we’re on the topic, I have to give praise to Moby for his new “cock saddle” mustache. It’s pretty solid.

The week before this past week, I broke out my first-ever Philadelphia Explosion, which- while poorly attended due to the Phillies being the playoffs that night, Yom Kippur ending that night, and my general lack of popularity in that town in general- was still relatively explosive. My guests that night, Adam Gertler from the Food Network’s new show “Will Work For Food” and rocking rock band the Capitol Years, were great. It is only a matter of time before I completely rule that town. I can feel it, dammit, like, for real. Twelve Philadelphians can’t be wrong.

After invading Philadelphia, I headed on down to DC for more good times. It was there that I spotted the car above, which is arguably the most birdshit-covered car I have ever seen in the new millennium (there was an incident in ‘86).

Another impressive sight in DC was the sign above that I spotted in front of a restaurant in Chinatown. Apparently it’s a positive review of the restaurant in the Washington, DC City Paper. I like how they included the cover of the issue the review was in and how it says “Nice Ass!” real big. Now that’s how you sell noodles.

Okay, I am about to have a seizure induced from sleep deprivation and too much adult beverages. Nap time for Dave. I love you.

Dave Hill

Schooling Testament Fans On Matters Of Metal

2008-10-16T00:12:00.003-04:00

A while back I went and hung out with fans waiting to go see Testament at B.B. King's in Times Square for Metal Injection, the popular Internet website dedicated to matters of metal. Here are some of the highlights/lowlights. I hope you enjoy it so much.

Dave Hill

My British Invasion + Bishop And Douch

2008-10-15T12:37:00.004-04:00

As rumored on the Internet, this November I will be invading the United Kingdom for the first time in the form of me totally hanging out in London for a week and doing some shows around town. My first show is November 1 at the 100 Club and it should be electric. You can get details here. If you live anywhere in Europe, you should totally come or I will cut myself.

I am doing a bunch of other shows in London, all of which are listed on my futuristic MySpace page. My last show of my week-long (or so) invasion of the UK is November 9 and is a dual show with boy geniuses Bishop and Douch, who are so British a lot of times I have no idea what they are saying. And it should be noted that my British invasion would not have been possible without them as they have totally held my hand through the whole process so far (not in a gay way. Geez! Why are you jumping to conclusions here?). Our show together at the Hen and Chickens Theatre on November 9 is already sold out like a motherfucker, like, for real. To get a taste of the Bishop and Douch magic, watch the following videos (really one video split up into four parts), some of which feature my lovely and talented friends John Mulaney, Kristen Schaal, and Kurt Braunhohler. Watch the fuck out of them right now:

Dave Hill

The Dave Hill Explosion w/Moby + Walter Schreifels + Doug Gillard THIS THURSDAY at UCB

2008-10-14T12:05:00.003-04:00

Attention People of New York City:

Hello. This is your man Dave Hill with something you will never see coming. I am doing my seriously good Dave Hill Explosion show again. I know, I know- just let that sink in for a second. Okay, now let's keep moving. Anyway, the Explosion I make reference to is happening THIS THURSDAY, October 16, at 9:30pm at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre, the same place I pretty much always do it but for purposes of clarity I am mentioning here all over again as is my wont. As I sit here this morning, half-cocked on gimlets, reeking of camphor, and covered from head to toe in duct tape residue, I am reminded that sometimes in life you just have to go for it, which is exactly what I intend to do this Thursday when I explode like a motherf#@ker at my explosive Explosion show. Talk about good times- I have pretty much nailed it this time around, so much in fact that this Explosion is going to make all the other ones look like I was just practicing, not unlike a great Samurai warrior (a kind of warrior that practiced warrior stuff all the time until he was so good at being a warrior that it was actually kind of ridiculous). The Samurai felt that the path of the warrior was one of honor and I simply could not agree more. That is still not going to stop me from taking my shirt off during my show though. You paid five bucks- you deserve a show. Anyway, I really hope you can make it this Thursday. Joining me on the show for a record third time is none other than musician, DJ, and tea magnate Moby as well as singer/songwriter/rock warrior Walter Schreifels, whom you no doubt know from such legendary New York bands as Gorilla Biscuits, Youth of Today, Quicksand, Rival Schools, Walking Concert and probably some other bands I do not even know about. Filling in for my irreplaceable and irascible sibebitch Phil, who is away fulfilling community service hours but will be back soon unless the DA can come up with the prints, will be Mr. Doug Gillard, whom you no doubt know from the popular rock band Guided by Voices. All of this for just five bucks and whatever falls out of your pockets. You can get tickets right here.

Love,
Dave Hill

That Thing That Holds The Soap Fell Down Again

2008-10-11T17:01:00.002-04:00

Dave Hill

Valley Lodge: TONIGHT at Mercury Lounge

2008-10-08T12:05:00.003-04:00

Hi there,

This is your man Dave Hill writing to remind you one last time that if you are into seeing/hearing three slightly older yet highly boneable guys play loud and rocking rock music, then you have just hit a street called Easy because TONIGHT at 7:30ishpm at the Mercury Lounge my rocking rock band Valley Lodge will be rocking you, rocking you so much, like a gentle embrace and a bit of the rough stuff all rolled into one and making you seriously think about calling in sick to work tomorrow and/or asking your roommate not to come home tonight because you really need the place all to yourself (for intercourse!). And just in case you are not entirely convinced of my band's unstoppable unstoppability by what I have to say here in these e-mails, check out this music blog that calls our debut album one of the TOP 5 Power Pop albums of all-time. Normally I like to call bullsh*t on anything anyone says on the Internet, but since the rest of the picks on this list are completely reasonable, I am inclined to think this writer is entirely correct and that our debut album is in fact perfect. Anyway, I really hope you can make it tonight. There is another great band called Stuyvesant going on before us at 6:30pmish. Come out tonight and do your part in making Thursday (the new Friday) Wednesday's bitch. Tonight is Wednesday though, just to clarify.

Love,
Dave Hill

My Guide To Voting On The Sundance Channel

2008-10-03T16:50:00.003-04:00

Hi there. Recently I made some videos for the Sundance Channel on how to vote in the upcoming election. The first video is above. The rest you can see right here. I hope you enjoy them. The one thing missing from these videos though is the part where I tell you to vote for Barack Obama, so I am telling you now: Vote for Barack Obama or I will stab you and me.

Dave Hill

Steve Guttenberg And I Ride An Elevator + Carolyn Monastra's Excellent Photography

2008-10-02T19:20:00.004-04:00

Here is another excitement installation of my ongoing web-type thing I have been doing for New York Magazine. This time around I am riding the elevator with Mister Steve Guttenberg, one of the nicest and fun-to-be-around show business professionals I have ever met. I hope you enjoy it a whole bunch.

In other news, my friend Carolyn Monastra is an excellent photographer and now she totally has a website. Go look at it right now or I will freak out. She took the picture above. I can't believe no one yelled at that girl for messing up the course like that.

Dave Hill

Valley Lodge: Rocking You, Others Wednesday, October 8th At Mercury Lounge

2008-10-02T18:14:00.003-04:00

Attention People of New York City:

Watch out for your nuts and/or general private region because this Wednesday, October 8 at 7:30pm (with some wiggle room), my f#@kin’ rock band Valley Lodge is gonna be f@%kin’ rocking and stuff at the Mercury Lounge over there on Houston. This is an early show so as to leave time for hanging and banging with the band and stuff after the rock show, which is awesome. Of particular excitement this time around is the fact that this show vaguely corresponds with the release of our first album in Japan, something I am not even making up. You can find evidence of the whole thing right here, like, for real. As you can probably imagine, we (meaning my f#%kin’ rock band Valley Lodge) are considered geniuses in Japan. We are also considered to be pretty tall over there, a joke referencing the disparity between average adult male heights in the United States and Japan (5’10” and 5’7” respectively). Speaking of our Japanese invasion, the photo above is of the cover of our Japanese album. We decided to have a half-naked chick on the cover for this version because the odds of my mom ever seeing it are pretty slim so I figured we might as well go for it. Am I right or am I right? If someone would have told the 13 year-old me that one day I would be in a rock band that has an album out in Japan with a half-naked chick on the cover I would have told them to get out of the basement. Then I would get back to trying to descramble the pay channels on the cable box. Speaking of which, I remember one weekend the cable company gave everyone free Showtime for the weekend and they played “Body Heat” like five times. It was awesome. Lawrence Kasdan's first directorial effort is a throwback to the early days of film noir. The scene is a beastly hot Florida coastal town, where naive attorney Ned (William Hurt) is entranced by the alluring Matty (Kathleen Turner in her film debut). Ned is manipulated into killing Matty's much older husband (Richard Crenna), the plan being that Ned's knowledge of legal matters will enable both conspirators to escape scott-free. This might have been the case, had not Matty been infinitely craftier than the cloddish Ned. Just when it seems as though the film has run out of plot twists, we're handed yet another surprise.

Anyway, I really hope you can make it to the show next week. We are seriously good at rocking. You can hear it for yourself right here. Also, another excellent band is playing right before us at 6:30ish. They are called Stuyvesant and are all the way from New Jersey. Why not make a night of it? If everything goes as planned you could make it home in time for your programs. And if you come to the show and don’t have a nice time you can wind up and kick me in the nuts. F it.

Heading out to the highway,
Dave Hill

This Moment In Yngwie

2008-10-01T11:28:00.002-04:00

Sometimes when I'm feeling down, all I need to do is watch Yngwie J. Malmsteen do a little shredding and suddenly everything is back in perspective. If I could play like him I would probably never leave the house. But if I had hair like him I would leave the house as much as possible. That's not the sort of hair you keep to yourself. It says it right there in the Bible.

Dave Hill

Toilet For A King

2008-09-30T11:13:00.002-04:00

This past weekend, while walking in the rain down 11th Avenue, I happened upon a display window for a general contracting business. It was there I spotted this toilet for a king, complete with what appears to be the padding from a Barcalounger with a big hole cut in it above the toilet bowl so the lucky owner can crap in absolute comfort and style. Since captains of industry can’t be slowed down by bodily functions, the toilet also comes with a circa-1998 laptop and cordless telephone mounted on a glass desk (so you can still look down at your crotch while you crap/make important deals. Hey- business magnates are no different from us in that regard). I’m guessing the current Wall Street situation has maybe slowed down sales of this incredible toilet, but once the whole mess is sorted out this general contracting business will be ready to make luxury shitting a reality for those who expect the best. Mark my words- I will own this toilet some day. And there’s not a damn thing anyone can do to stop me!

Dave Hill

America's Next Top President

2008-09-29T12:17:00.006-04:00

I finally got around to watching Katie Couric's interview with Sarah Palin this morning. In case you haven't seen it, here is a partial clip. It's pretty incredible. I'm stating the obvious here, but- wow!- Sarah Palin is stunningly inarticulate, uninformed, and, well, just kind of a remarkable dope. I wouldn't even be comfortable ordering donuts from this woman. Still, she will be president in about two years (my prediction for when McCain will be called home by Satan) if the dopes prevail.

There are lots of amazing quotes here, but my favorite at the moment is around the 7:17 mark where she talks about how we will be "lulled into fault sense of security." My guess is Sarah Palin is one of those people who use the word "supposively" and/or "supposably" instead of "supposedly." She no like book learning! That's for snobs!

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler's opening bit spoofing the Palin/Couric interview on SNL this weekend was awesome. Still- and I know I'm not alone on this one either- I can't decide which is funnier, Tina or the real thing.

I assume I'm preaching to the choir here, but please Vote Obama or I'll be writing to you from Canada next year!

Dave Hill

Valley Lodge Japanese Album Out Today

2008-09-26T14:53:00.002-04:00

I just wanted to let you know that if you ever wanted to buy a version of the first Valley Lodge album with bonus tracks and Japanese writing all over it, now you can. Today our exciting Japanese album is released in Japanese via This Time Records/Power Pop Academy, a Japanese record label-type organization. You can see our album on sale to people who can read Japanese and make sense of the whole thing right here. It's fun to imagine someone across the world sitting there listening to our music and (even better) actually liking it. Meanwhile, a world away, I sit here unshowered, unshaven, and unlikely to leave the house anytime soon as a revolution is underway in the East. At least that's how I like to imagine it anyway.

Dave Hill

Mirmania

2008-09-25T18:08:00.005-04:00

The first annual Eugene Mirman Comedy Festival kicks off tonight and you should totally go. It is full of seriously good shows that in turn are full of seriously good performers that in turn will be be attended by seriously good people (I am pointing to you). The full schedule can be viewed right here. There is even a MySpace page. I am doing two shows in the festival. Please come or I will become unreasonable. The future is a couple minutes from now.

Dave Hill

David Rakoff And Me In An Elevator

2008-09-24T16:30:00.002-04:00

Today I write to you from a brightly lit coffee shop that is playing bad reggae from a speaker just inches from my head. It's truly a horrible decision I've made. Anyway, here is another video of me interviewing someone in an elevator for New York Magazine. This time around it's David Rakoff- friend, author, and known Canadian. Watch it now on your computer that you are looking at right now, won't you?

Dave Hill

The Internet And Its Unstoppable Unstoppability

2008-09-24T00:23:00.006-04:00

Here are a few things you should watch and enjoy in your spare time (which is to say right now). First, watch my friend the great Chris Schneider in this inspired dramatic reading of the transcript of a town meeting from Wasilla, Alaska (you know, where that town pump Palin used to be mayor).

Next, watch my friend the incredible Mike Albo in this next installment of "The Underminer." Mike rules, owns, and all that kind of stuff.

In other news, I got some nice mentions about my Fashion Week video on Gawker, Boing Boing, and Driven By Boredom. Who's a failure now, Mommy? Who's a failure now?!?!

Dave Hill

Possibly Gay Socks Now Living In My Apartment

2008-09-23T14:19:00.003-04:00

Last night, after a seriously killer workout at one of the many gyms near my house that I routinely tear up like a motherfucker to the delight and amazement of pretty much everyone else at the gym, I walked past a seriously gay store in the seriously gay neighborhood I live in and spotted some awesome socks in the window (pictured above). As you can see, they feature a legstrap with a knife on them, which is pretty great. Since they were sitting in the window of a seriously gay store though, I thought maybe there was some gay code about having a knife on your leg that these socks were referring to. I’m not really hip to the gay code though (aside from that snapping thing, which pretty much everyone- gay or totally not gay- understands at this point), so I had no idea what that code might be. Still, these socks were so awesome I didn’t care- I just wanted them on my feet immediately, regardless of their sexual orientation.

At the risk of making everyone who might have seen me enter the seriously gay store assume that I prefer the company of men (not true- I have made out with, like, five or six girls who really seemed to enjoy it as best I can tell), I barged right into the seriously gay store and said “Listen up- I don’t care if everyone thinks I’m gay for coming in here- even thought I’m not- I just want to own those socks with the knife on the sides. And I don’t care if that knife thing is some crazy gay code for some homosexual practice that I may have never even heard of- I want those socks on my feet right now because I love them and want to spend the rest of my life with them!” Actually, I only really thought all that stuff, but still all the totally gay guys in the store knew what was on my mind and said “Can I help you with anything?” in unison, just like you might expect.

“Hey, gay guy- I want those socks with the knife on the sides please!,” I politely said to one of the gay guys who was working there.

“Sure thing,” the gay guy said. Then I paid for the socks and the gay guy put them in a gay bag that I thought about telling him I didn’t need because it’s just a pair of socks and I could just put them in my pocket. But then I was afraid he would think that maybe I didn’t want to carry the bag because I was afraid that everyone would think I was gay (even though I am so totally not gay it’s actually kind of ridiculous). Since I was in the seriously gay store buying some seriously gay socks already though, I am hoping the gay guy knew that I was a completely open-minded and totally straight guy who just likes awesome socks whether they or gay or not. I am not a man who judges a sock for what it does on its own time and I am fairly certain the gay guy at the store appreciated that. Even so, I took the gay bag anyway so as not to hurt his gay feelings. And and if anyone looked at me while I was carrying the gay bag down the street I yelled “I’m here! I’m a straight guy carrying a gay bag down the street! Get used to it!” And they did.

Once I got the socks back home, I kept my eye on them for a while to see if they did anything particularly queer or not. Similarly, I kept tabs on myself for any signs of gayness that might have occurred as a result of walking into a totally gay store and buying a totally gay pair of socks (as many Americans will tell you- sometimes this is all it takes for full-on gayness to set in). So far no gayness of any sort has taken place though (unless you count the fact that when it was time for the male strippers to dance on the Robin Byrd Show I didn’t always change the channel. But that’s mostly because I am lazy and know that there will be another naked chick on the screen soon enough if I just be patient. I used the male stripper time to check my e-mail like a totally not gay person who wants to make the best use of his time when gayness is afoot). And hey, if the socks decided to do anything really gay in my place, I would be perfectly fine with it. All things being kind of equal, however, I looked at the website listed on the tag for the socks and it seemed to just be a regular sock website and not a gay sock website (though, for the record, as websites go, ones devoted to just socks are pretty gay to begin with). Admittedly, it was my insecurity that led me to check on the socks sexual orientation. But even if the website confirmed that my socks were totally gay, I would have loved them just the same. They would be slipped on my feet and worn for several days until the stench became unbearable, just like all my other socks, even if they had never known the love of a good woman.

I guess if there is anything to learn from all of this it’s that- hey- we’re not so different after all. One man can grow up wherever he grew up, turn totally gay, move to New York City and be totally into really gay stuff all the time (like other gay dudes, for example), and then decide to walk into pretty much the gayest store ever and buy some sexually ambiguous socks with a knife on them. Then another guy (me), can grow up a major poonhound in Cleveland, move to New York City, where he is so into chicks it’s not even fucking funny, and walk into the same seriously gay store and buy the same pair of sexually ambiguous socks. Somehow the world keeps turning. And you know what? I love my gay socks, I really do. Even if they are a couple of major homos.

Dave Hill

New Fashion Week Video + Explosive Explosion In Review

2008-09-22T14:27:00.004-04:00

I attended the most recent Fashion Week and totally went and made a video about it with my friends at Disposable Television. Watch it now and then forward to everyone you have ever commuicated with via the Internet ever.

In other news, last week's Dave Hill Explosion show featuring special guests Steve Guttenberg, Chris March, and TAB the Band was explosively explosive (as noted in the photed above). It was a fun show and all the guests were super nice and excellent. You can get the full scoop via the lovely writeup by Sara Schaefer on the Best Week Ever blog.. Below is a nice shot of me, Steve, and Phil coming down after all the excitement.

Dave Hill

Martha Plimpton And Me: Now In Futuristic Embeddable Format

2008-09-22T01:01:00.004-04:00

Recently I linked to an exciting video interview I did with the lovely and talented Martha Plimpton for New York Magazine. A few seconds ago I figured out how to embed it into my blog, so here it is all over again. Watch it and stuff right now. Don't be alarmed by the short ad that appears first though. Sit tight and the interview will play right after. It will totally be worth it.

Dave Hill

Big Brother

2008-09-21T18:41:00.003-04:00

Happy Sunday. Here is a new funtime video I did with the excellent Stone and Stone, who are from the future. The video also stars the unstoppable Michael Cavadias and was brought to life by the fine folks at Disposable Television. Watch it repeatedly right now and then send it to everyone you know who uses the Internet. I hope you really like it a whole bunch.

Dave Hill

The Dave Hill Exposion With Steve Guttenberg, Chris March, and TAB the Band TOMORROW, Thursday, September 18 At The UCB Theatre

2008-09-17T19:32:00.004-04:00

Attention People of New York City:

Today I write to you from beyond the grave. No, just kidding. But I had you going for a second, didn't I? Okay, maybe not but you have to admit it would be pretty cool to write someone from beyond the grave. They would never see it coming (unless, of course, you mention it to them right before you die, in which case they would probably get your creepy dead guy note and be all like "Oh yeah, he mentioned he was gonna do that." Then they would probably just get back to whatever else they were doing. The afterlife- it will mess with your mind sometimes). Anyway, I just wanted to remind you one last time that TOMORROW, which is to say Thursday, September 18 at 9:30pm, my critically acclaimed super happy fun time hour known to me and others as the Dave Hill Explosion is totally going to happen and there is not a damn thing those fat cats in Washington can do about it. Stunning outfits? Check. Incredible hair? Double check. Me being lowered from the ceiling by invisible wires while semi-nude, greased, and on fire? Working on it. There will be really great guests on my show tomorrow night too, like showbiz veteran and recent "Dancing with the Stars" contestant Steve Guttenberg, "Project Runway" and America's own Chris March, and the rocking Boston rock trio TAB the Band, who are different from the beverage yet just as satisfying, delicious, and artificially caramel-colored. And, of course, resident creep Phil will be in full effect. Believe me- there are plenty of days when I just don't want to be me, but this time it is simply because I would love to sit in the audience and watch this show. There is no way I would pay five bucks for it though. I mean, it is totally worth it and all, but I've got too much dirt on myself and would happily use that to blackmail my way in the door. You, on the other hand, can reserve a perfectly reasonably priced five dollar ticket that you don't even have to pay for unless you show up right here. I really hope you can make it. Daddy says it's time for me to come home and get a job of work but I told him things would be different after tomorrow night because you just can't stop show people.

I love you,
Dave Hill

I Am Totally On The Sundance Channel

2008-09-15T13:21:00.003-04:00

Hi. Mondays. Tell me about it. Anyway, here is something nice- the popular cable television network the Sundance Channel has featured me in a new thing they are doing called "The Next Garde," a series of short profiles on creative types. You can see the video they made about me by clicking here and then clicking on my name (which is Dave Hill). I hope you like it. There's a part of me that makes me want to punch myself in the face when I watch it but maybe that's just my paranoia, insecurity, and self-loathing talking. Let me know what you think. I am curious as to whether I should punch myself in the face or not. There are a lot of reasons I probably should, but I am wondering specifically about whether or not I should punch myself in the face with regard to this video.

Dave Hill

The Dave Hill Explosion w/Steve Guttenberg, Chris March, And TAB the Band Sept. 18 At The UCB Theatre

2008-09-12T15:06:00.004-04:00

Attention People of New York City:

Hello. This is your man Dave Hill writing to let you know that this coming Thursday, September 18 at 9:30pm, I will be stepping out onto the stage of the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre over there in Chelsea for what critics are already calling “an exhilarating evening,” “a triumph of the human spirit,” and "the show that makes 'Wicked,' 'Mamma Mia!,' and 'Jersey Boys' it's bitch without even f#@king trying!" I am of course referring to my seriously good semi-one-man chat/variety/donkey show the Dave Hill Explosion. Of particular excitement this time around is the fact that my show next week will mark my third anniversary of Exploding (give or take a few weeks in either direction- no one really knows for sure). A lot of people said it wouldn't last this long. Including me. Okay, especially me. Still others thought I might not even live that long, you know, what with the baboon heart and all. And as I sit here contemplating the whole thing, I am reminded of a quote by the French author Albert Camus that reads "It is not your paintings I like, it is your painting," something I fail to understand. Anyway, you should totally come to my show next week if you can. It pretty much has everything- singing, dancing, talking, reading, small and large dogs for the touching and- in some cases- the taking, fire, smoke, knives, the splits, and candy. As if all of that is not enough, I will also be joined by incredible guests like Hollywood's Steve Guttenerg, whom you no doubt know from such films as Three Men and a Baby, Three Men and a Little Lady, Police Academy, Police Academy 2, Police Academy 3, Cocoon, Cocoon 2: The Return, Short Circuit, and a whole bunch of other movies, some with sequels, some without; celebrated designer, stylist, and man-about-town Chris March, whom you no doubt know from the popular Heidi Klum vehicle Project Runway, now in its fifth exhilarating season; and the hot Boston rock band TAB the Band, who just completed a tour opening for Stone Temple Pilots, the popular rock band that has seen its share of trouble but still perseveres, something we can all learn from. And as usual, my bearded sidebitch Phil will be there in all his house arrest-violating glory. Join us, won't you? That would be so great. You can reserve tickets at no advance cost to you or those you hold dear right here.

Together we can make a difference,
Dave Hill

"Hey, America! Who Wants Sandwiches?"

2008-09-10T00:13:00.001-04:00

Dave Hill

Into The Void

2008-09-09T13:10:00.003-04:00

This past Sunday night, after paying a visit to the Black Rabbit, New York City’s premier house of fun, where Bobby Tisdale was hosting the fuck out of Bingo Night, I walked to the corner of Greenpoint and Manhattan Avenues in Brooklyn to catch a cab home. There were plenty of yellow cabs rolling down the street, so I was feeling pretty confident that things were going to work out just great in the me-getting-home-in-a-cab department.

After waiting a few seconds on the corner with my friend Maura, who wanted to make sure I didn’t get myself stabbed or anything, a beat up yellow cab stopped in front of me and I climbed in. Once I settled into the backseat, I quickly sensed that something was up. For starters, there was no cabbie medallion hanging in the car. Then I looked at the meter to find that all identifying labels had been seemingly sanded off with steel wool or some other powerful information-removing agent. Finally, I noticed the cab driver- a sixtyish guy with long gray hair and a beard and wearing a straw hat- was smoking a big cigar (historically frowned upon cabbie behavior). “Um, is this a real cab?,” I asked.

“Sure it is,” he answered between puffs.

“Does the meter work?,” I countered.

“Yeah, this is a meter,” he responded, playing it close to the vest.

I’m not a detective (well, not a professional anyway), but I was about 97% sure at this point that I wasn’t in a real yellow cab. Since I was kind of drunky drunk and had a taste for adventure though, I decided to let the nutjob up front drive me home anyway. The combination of him and his car reminded me of that one Playstation video game where evil clowns drive around some burnt out city trying to kill each other and win a race at the same time (NOTE: There may be more to the game than this). I was pretty sure this was going to be awesome, a sort of “Through The Looking Glass” ride home. And it kind of was.

What with the crazy hair, the straw hat, and the cigar and all, I wasn’t too surprised when the guy started randomly talking about obscure places to buy raw meat around the city as he pulled away from the curb. In fact- being a big fan of meat talk and all- I was delighted. And as he rambled on about meat and made his way to the bridge back to Manhattan, I decided to watch the meter. Just as I expected, it was jumping very quickly and randomly, like one of those billboards keeping a death toll about smoking or some increasingly popular cellular phone plan. Being slightly hammered, it was hard to focus on it, but as best I could tell the meter would jump 40 cents after two blocks, another 40 cents after the next 30 yards, another 80 cents after the next 20 feet, and so on. “Um, what’s up with your meter?,” I leaned forward and asked.

“What do you mean?,” the evil clown answered like nothing was up.

“It’s crazy. It’s jumping all over the place. That’s hilarious,” I laughed.

“You ever been to New York City?,” he fired back seemingly suggesting I didn’t know shit about meters or tons of other shit either.

“Yeah, I live here and your meter is totally illegal,” I shot back. “But I’m having a really nice time so keep driving.”

The evil clown cabbie didn’t respond to that last bit, but instead continued monologuing about assorted meat bargains around town. I wasn’t listening as much by this point though because my thoughts had turned to figuring out how I was going to handle things once he got to my stop. I quickly decided I was riding in a “pay-as-you-wish” cab, like when you got to the MoMa or Met and can pay just a nickel and they can’t do a damn thing about it. And since I was drunk and all, I naturally assumed the cab driver wasn’t carrying a weapon of any sort and couldn’t possibly run as fast as me so it wasn’t going to be a big deal anyway. And it wasn’t.

By the time we pulled up to my apartment, the meter read close to 30 dollars, almost double what an actual cab would have charged for the same trip. When the evil clown announced my fair, I drunkenly announced that I wasn’t paying that much.

“What do you mean?,” the now clearly irritated faux cabbie asked.

“You’re meter is t-totally illegal, dude,” I answered. “The fare should be about half that.”

“My meter is set for the area I drive in!,” He barked.

“You mean New York City?,” I laughed. “I don’t think so.”

“Well, why didn’t you just ask for a flat rate if you have a problem with my meter?,” he shot back.

“Because you claimed to be a yellow cab and I thought it would be fun to believe you,” I replied. “Duh.”

At this point, I figured I’d reach into my wallet and hand him fifteen bucks or so, what seemed fair. Unfortunately, however, I only had twenties. And since I knew this guy wasn’t about to give me any change, I somewhat reluctantly offered him the twenty.

“Look- what you’re doing is totally illegal,” I said in my best attempt to sound like a sober guy who cared about such things. “But I think you’re hilarious, so I’m going to give you this twenty. I had a really nice time.”

“What?!,” he fumed. “Why didn’t you just call a car service if you were gonna pull this crap? Or can’t I just take you to an ATM?”

“I’m only paying you twenty,” I declared and got out of the car. I didn’t feel any sense of victory or anything at this point though since I had still paid way too much for my ride home. And there was a small part of me that figured a bullet might whizz by my head at any moment. But in the end, the driver just pulled away in a huff.

Figuring I might pull a Barney Fife on him, I managed to take down his license plate number before he got too far away (which, in case you are looking for fun is 71056LA). Yesterday, I e-mailed the New York Taxi and Limo Commision (the people in charge of such things) to file a complaint. A while later I received a phone call from a woman at the TLC (not to be confused with the great 90’s female R&B trio of the same name, though that would be awesome if one of them called me) who explained to me that there was no record of a cab with that license plate number and furthermore there was no record of that license plate number even existing at all.

After the lady (No, it was not T-Boz or Chilli, the remaining living members of TLC, so stop asking. What is wrong with you?) hung up, I pulled the phone away from ear in shock.

“Did any of this really happen?,” I wondered. “Or did I maybe travel to another dimension, one where cabbies smoke cigars and talk of meat? Or was I just really, really hammered last night?”

I guess I’ll never really know the answer to those or many other life questions. But I am home, dammit. And I am alive. And I am apparently really good at writing very long and boring accounts of my not-always-so-fascinating life. Or maybe it wasn’t all that bad. Anyway, if you’ve read this far, thank you. Now get out there and live, dammit!

Dave Hill

The Canadian Occupation

2008-09-08T15:46:00.004-04:00

I’ve just returned from an action-packed 48 hours or so in scenic Toronto, Canada, where Canadians and non-Canadians alike have converged upon that town for the Toronto International Film Festival, a magical week or so of watching movies, eating and drinking stuff, and screaming at Brad Pitt whenever he leaves his hotel room. I was there for a couple days doing interview stuff for Cinemax, the popular premium cable television channel with all the titties on it late at night.

When I wasn’t working in Toronto, I tried to squeeze in as much Canadian excitement as I could. My first night there I went for a long walk after dinner and found myself in front of Wayne Gretzky’s, which- as the name suggests- is a Wayne Gretzky-themed restaurant. Above is a picture of me bathing in the glow of the giant neon Wayne Gretzky autograph they have hanging out front. It felt pretty great.

I ate at Wayne Gretzky’s last time I was in Toronto, but- since I was full of street vendor hotdogs and Italian food- skipped the food this time. It’s kind of like Applebee’s only with Wayne Gretzky stuff everywhere (which is to say it’s pretty incredible). This time around I just poked my head inside to see if they finally got some cool Wayne Gretzky T-shirts in the gift shop area. They hadn’t. I’m not sure why. If I were Wayne Gretzky, I would totally sell awesome Wayne Gretzky-themed T-shirts at my restaurant. Instead they have really lame T-shirts and sweatshirts that don’t do anything to capture Wayne’s greatness. If I ever meet Wayne, this is going to be on my long list of things to discuss with him whether he likes it or not.

The morning after my pilgrimage to Wayne Gretzky’s, I decided to take a walk down to the Saint Lawrence Market on the recommendation of my friend David, a known former Torontonian. It was there that I ate my first (and so far only) peameal bacon sandwich, a local favorite I was told. Despite the not-so-great name, the peameal bacon sandwich was pretty delicious and consisted of Canadian bacon rolled in peameal (still trying to figure out what that is) and slapped between a bun. I took things to the next level by squirting some HP sauce (not unlike a sweeter version of A1, popular in England and Canada but still struggling for U.S. dominance despite being delicious) and some other mysterious sauce they had sitting there on the counter. Above is a picture of the actual sandwich I ate moments before I stuffed it in my mouth. It tasted better than it looks.

After I finished off the peameal bacon sandwich, I took a lap around the rest of the market. For someone like me who enjoys viewing large quantities of raw meat all under one roof, it was a real treat. Above is a photo of huge dead cows they had hanging in one of the freezers there. One minute you’re hanging out in a field eating grass, the next you’re all chopped up and dead in a freezer in Toronto. Life is crazy sometimes.

After my meat field trip, I headed back to the hotel to pull myself together for the day’s shoot. Along the way I spotted this beaver sitting above the doorway to some sort of Canadian office building. If you ever getting bonked on the head, throw in the trunk of a car, and dropped off days later in front of a building like this you will at least know you’re definitely in Canada. The rest is up to you.

I headed back to New York City on Saturday night. Because I apparently have the same name as a terrorist, the U.S. customs people at the Toronto airport detained me for a bit until they could figure out that I wasn’t a fugitive of some sort. I wasn’t in a big rush so I thought it was pretty cool. They took me into a little four-walled enclosure with white walls that were entirely bare except for one framed photo of the World Trade Center. Then they asked me a bunch of basic questions that I thought for sure were meant to somehow trick me into admitting I was part of some sort of extremist group. When they asked me what I did for a living, I told them I was a comedian. “That’s how you make your living?,” they asked. I am just as surprised as they were that the answer is yes.

After the probing, the customs guy left me alone for a bit while he waited to hear back from some other office to tell him I wasn’t a terrorist. Then after a few minutes he came back and told me there were no “derogatory comments” in my file so I was free to go. “Wait- I have a file? That’s awesome,” I thought to myself before heading off to catch what turned out to be the worst flight I’ve been on in my life. Because of the bad weather this past weekend, the plane was bouncing all over the place. I’m not sure if it was all the turbulence, the prospect of dying, or maybe the peameal bacon sandwich that was to blame, but I just narrowly avoided puking all over the place. It was only out of mercy for the girl sitting next to me that I was able to keep things down. I’m classy like that.

In other news, on the recommendation of my friend John, I recently got the Glen Campbell album “Reunion: The Songs of Jimmy Webb.” It’s pretty great. Here is Glen performing one of the songs from the album, “Wichita Lineman,” on the Smothers Brothers show back in simpler times. Glen is lypsynching here but I really like his suit and the Fender baritone guitar he is pretending to play. We could all learn a lot from this man.

Dave Hill

Canada + Candy + Me

2008-09-04T13:46:00.006-04:00

Thursdays- am I right? Anyway, today I write to you from the scenic Laguardia airport in Queens, New York, where I am waiting to fly to Toronto for some hijinks at the 247th annual Toronto International Film Festival. Since I am 1/4 Canadian, I am pretty excited to be returning to my ancestral homeland for a couple days. I will let you know how it goes. I already missed my flight (read the e-mail with my flight information wrong cuz I was all hopped up on goofballs), but the nice people of Air Canada are letting me get on the next one. I am told I will be getting the same in-flight snacks that I missed on the earlier flight, so things should work out just fine I think/hope.

In other news, because I love candy and the Internet, I recently agreed to be the poster boy for an earth-shattering comedy contest put on by the futuristic Yahoo website and the Butterfinger candy bar people (not made of candy). They gave me money and free candy for doing it, so I honestly could not be happier about things. You can get the full scoop here. Wait. What? Did you just call me a whore? Stop it! That's not nice! Anyway, go to the website right now or I will stab you. You should totally enter this contest.

Okay, I have to get on the Canadian plane now. I will let you know if I run into Gretzky (counting on it).

Dave Hill

Valley Lodge: The Japanese Occupation

2008-09-02T13:06:00.003-04:00

In fulfillment of the prophecy, I am reasonably excited to announce that the invasion of Japan by my hot rock band Valley Lodge is now officially underway. This Time Records, the premier power pop label of the Land of the Rising Sun, is totally re-releasing our debut album in Japan this fall. This version of the album will feature all-new artwork, including a 12-page full-color booklet and (I'm guessing) some Japanese writing on it in various places (I am particularly excited about this part. As anyone will tell you, Japanese writing looks really cool no matter what it says). Also, the Japanese version of the album will include three bonus tracks ("Comin' Around, "Barricade, and "My Baby"- all hits) that will also be appearing later this fall on our second obscure album to be released here in North America in some form or another we are still trying to figure out. That is the cover of our Japanese album above featuring lovely cover girl Gia Lashay in all her glory. You can get full details on our startling Japanese album here (you know, so you can see that I'm not making all this stuff up). It's all in Japanese though, so I don't understand a word of it. I'm hoping it's all good stuff though.

In other exciting Japanese news, my hot rock band Valley Lodge also has our song "Hanging On" featured on a Japanese power pop compilation called "OK! Powerpop 2," which- as slightly hinted at in the title- is a compilation of power pop music from all over the planet. Here is a page (mostly in Japanese) about the whole thing.

No word yet on whether Valley Lodge will be getting on plane and going to Japan to rock some Japanese people, but I sure hope so. Maybe we can play at that Budokan place or something. I wonder if every American band that plays there says "This next one is the first song on our new album!," kind of like how almost every band that came to Cleveland when I was growing up would yell "Hello, Cleveland" from the stage as if they were the first ones who ever thought of it. Some things never get old.

Dave Hill

Do Not Even Get Me Started On This Topic

2008-08-31T11:09:00.004-04:00

My friend Leeza's dogs are total drunks. Here they are after another bender.

In other news, here is an excellent video of the Norwegian Black Metal band Immortal bringing the (Satanic) heat at the Graspop Metal Meeting in Moscow. As far as being really metal and really Satany, these guys have pretty much got it all figured out.

Dave Hill

Carmine And Me

2008-08-30T12:53:00.003-04:00

Last night I ended up in a bar I had never been to before, the Nancy Whiskey Pub in Tribeca. It's a divey kind of bar you see less and less of in Manhattan these days. I like the bar a lot but the jukebox was super loud in that way that always seems to suggest to me that the people in charge are under the impression that volume equals fun. I couldn't hear a word anyone was saying and it was driving me nuts. Making matters worse was the fact that I didn't like any of the music that was playing (I can't remember what any of it was at the moment). They had one of those Internet jukeboxes there that you can play all sorts of music on, so I came up with what I thought was a genius plan to get them to turn the jukebox down- load up the playlist with '80's hair metal and other hard rock that I was guessing no one in the place (besides me, of course) would like. The plan totally backfired though. Everyone seemed to really dig all the Ratt and Dokken I cranked into the place. I was enjoying it too, so much in fact that volume wasn't really bothering me anymore. And then- in keeping with the impromptu theme I tried to create in the bar- in walked legendary hard rock and metal drummer Carmine Appice, who has played drums for Vanilla Fudge, Cactus, Blue Murder, Ozzy Osbourne, Rod Stewart, and, like, a million other people. He rules. Being a big fan of people who rock balls and all, I was pretty excited about meeting him. That is a picture of Carmine and me totally standing outside the bar. He was a super nice guy but I was really impressed at how he doesn't smile for pictures. It is the rock-n-roll way. I need to work on it myself. Also, my hair could use a little help too.

Dave Hill

A Caveman In A Spaceship.

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The David Lee Roth Soundboard

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Dumb Song About New York City

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Twitter

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London Invasion Part 2

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