Awesome Physical Fitness Update

In case you were wondering, I’ve just returned from the gym, where I had what some might call a seriously killer workout. I started off by going into the men’s locker room for a little stare down contest with a few guys who had just come out of the showers. This is my way of saying to them something along the lines of “F*ck you, dudes. You think you just had a killer workout? Well, suck it. I am about to go out there and f*ck this place up big time in my pursuit of physical fitness. Now put some goddman clothes on before I come over there and kick you right in the nuts.” Then I walked out of the locker room and stepped onto one of those elliptical machines, the kind Hollywood's Jennifer Aniston reportedly uses. I tore up that f*cking thing for like five minutes at least until the screeching sound of the elliptical machine some girl next to me was using started driving me nuts and I decided to hop off and hit the treadmill.

I was on the treadmill for a good five minutes before I figured it was time to hit some of the Nautilus-type machines. I find walking around the Nautilus machines and looking around a lot with a look of severity on your face is every bit as important as actually using them when trying to get into shape. After a bit of this, I decided to hop on the machine that whips your abs into shape and totally use it for a few minutes. Then I got off that thing and hopped on some other machine that supposedly works like every upper body muscle imaginable. Man, was I feeling the burn. It was just around this time that I realized I was having a seriously killer workout.

After pretty much ruling the Nautilus machines, I figured it was time for some free weight action so I grabbed two little barbell things that weighed fifteen pounds each and totally lifted them up and down like 50 times. I was worried a crowd was going to form around me if I kept this up for too long, so I stopped. After that I just drank some water from the fountain next to the women’s locker room and left. Mission accomplished.

On the way home from my killer workout, I decided to stop into the grocery store and buy some groceries since I had totally laid to waste like 300 calories or something during my killer workout. Time to rebuild. Since I was in health mode, I bought some carrots and some celery (the full versions. I don’t mess with that pre-sliced bullsh*t. I’m like a caveman or something. I just eat it pretty much the way it comes out of the ground. I rinse it off, but that’s about it. Deal with it.). I also bought some chips and salsa, both of which turned out to be pretty much bullsh*t. The salsa was Mrs. Renfro’s. No offense to her, but her salsa blows. She’s gotta get some quality control going up in this b*tch. I decided to buy some bargain tortilla chips too and they had some weird aftertaste like they had been sprayed with some sort of preservative crap or something. Dave says, "No, thanks!" Anyway, I guess I will have to sweat all that out when I hit the gym again in a couple months. As always, I will keep you posted. Until then, please do your best to live by my f*cking awesome example.

Dave Hill