Cuban Food 1, Dave 0

It is day 7 of my Los Angeles invasion and I have spent most of it in a lot of pain due to my decision to finish some Cuban food (which I originally got for lunch yesterday) while watching TV at 2 a.m. The place I got it from is Versailles, which is what I understand to be a popular Cuban restaurant (with 3 locations spread around town) here in scenic Los Angeles. I had driven past the restaurant many times before and was determined to eat there during this visit as I really love Cuban food. Anyway, I finally made it there for lunch yesterday. I ate by myself at a table next to some guy who was probably a nice enough guy, but- because he insisted on wearing dark wraparound sunglasses in the not-very-bright-at-all restaurant- I couldn’t help but assume was a major douchebag. He was sitting at a table with three other people. I wondered why none of them were like “Dude, you look like a major douchebag with your sunglasses on. You are embarrassing us. Please remove your sunglasses immediately or we are totally sitting at another table without you. Oh, and one more thing- fuck you.” Then again maybe he had some weird eye condition that required him to wear sunglasses at all times, especially while eating Cuban food. But I doubt it. I’m going with douchebag on this one.

I ended up having Versailles’ “famous garlic chicken,” which is a fried half chicken covered in garlic sauce and onions. It comes with rice and beans and plantains on the side. I tore into it for a while and it was pretty delicious. I impressed myself, however, by eating only half of the food in front of me and asking for a to-go container. Usually I just stuff my face until all food in front of me is totally gone. This is how I maintain my trademark rounded features.

Anyway, I experienced little to no side effects after initially digging into to this massive pile of Cuban food. I went about my business the rest of the day with no major health problems to speak of. I ran some errands, went to what I understand to Little Japan or something to do some window shopping and bubble tea drinking, and then went to the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre out here to host Harold Night and then watch some friends perform in their show the Human Giant. At no time during any of this was I doubled over in pain or rushing off to the bathroom for anything other than cosmetic reasons.

When I got home later that night I decided to finish off what was left of the Cuban food. It seemed like a really, really good idea. I even added more hot sauce than I had originally covered the food in at the restaurant. It was pretty delicious again and was the perfect companion to sitting their doing nothing at 2 o’clock in the morning.

At 8:30 this morning I was woken up by a phone call from someone on the East Coast who totally didn’t know I was sound asleep in Los Angeles apparently. That’s when the Cuban food made itself known to me in ways I would rather it had not. My chest started to burn, something I initially attributed to both second and firsthand smoke inhalation. Then while I was walking around the block talking on the phone, the Cuban food let it be known that it had plans for upsetting some of my other bodily functions. I finished my phone call and sprinted several blocks home for a moment of privacy. Most of my day since has been spent dealing with nastiness blasting out of both ends of my body. I’m just realizing how nasty this must sound and how you probably don’t want to read this. But I guess you’ve come this far, so why stop now? Anyway, my stomach is killing me and I think I need medical attention and/or a really good nap. It’s been raining like a mofo all day too, which is only aggravating things as not only has my ass been exploding all day but my hair looks like crap too. No justice, no peace.

I’m supposed to go have dinner with an old friend and a couple new ones in a little bit. I hope I can keep it together. When you haven’t seen someone in a few years, showing up and puking right away makes things really awkward and really tough to boune back from very easily.

Having just gone back and to reread all of the above, I am also realizing the Cuban food has robbed me of the ability of writing anything worthwhile whatsoever. Still, I thank you for reading this far. I guess I just had to get this out of my system (Get it? See how I pulled it all together in the end like that? Total pro.)

Dave Hill