The Undisputed F*cking King of Google

Well, it’s been a long time coming, but as of this writing it can no longer be disputed- I am officially the King of Google as far as guys named Dave Hill are concerned. I got the exciting news this morning when I started my day how I start out pretty much every day- by typing my name into the popular Google Internet search engine to see what comes up. I have been doing this pretty much every since I officially became an Internet personality last July when I got my very own website on the Internet. It was a big, big day for me and while my parents themselves don’t have much use for the Internet (They are old), well, they were pretty darn proud of their youngest son I can tell you that sh*t for sure.

Anyway, in the early days of my life as a popular Internet personality (I have been at it for about nine months or something at this point and am pretty much a veteran at this sh*t by now), I was lucky if I even came up on the first page of Google listings for guys named Dave Hill. Some days I didn’t even come up until well into the second page! Can you imagine? Believe me- my life was a LOT simpler back then, but I don’t think I want to go back to those days of relative anonymity ever again, thank you very much!

It is at this point that you’re probably wondering who these other Dave Hills are that kept me from being number one for so long. Well, for starters, there is Dave Hill the master hypnotist and illusionist. He pretty much ruled as far as guys named Dave Hill go since pretty much the dawn of the Internet back in the ‘90’s. You had a nice run there, magic man, but looks like you’re gonna have to make THIS Dave Hill disappear if you ever expect to have another shot at number one. Oh, and one more thing- f*ck you!

Another popular Dave Hill is of course the guy who played guitar for the popular ‘70’s British glam rock band Slade (They wrote such hits as “Mama Weer All Crayzee Now” and “Cum On Feel The Noize,” both of which became popular hits for ‘80’s pop metal band Quiet Riot, whose guitar player is named Carlos Cavazo. He’s pretty sweet.) Since I’m a pretty big Slade fan and all, I really wouldn’t mind being number two to this particular Dave Hill if it really came down to it. He has rocked me and I thank him for that. Still, I think the fact that most of his career took place before the dawn of the Internet, he’s pretty much screwed if he ever hopes to do battle with me on the World Wide Web ever again. Thanks for the rock, Dave, but it’s time to pass the torch to this Dave Hill (who also completely rocks by the way. I can play old Van Halen and tons of other sh*t too).

Other Dave Hills that have given me a run for my money in the past include a blogger with a penchant for facial hair and military style haircuts (I am basing this on photos from his blog. I am like a detective), a jazz guitarist in Los Angeles (Sorry, dude- based on the photos on your website, I can’t help but think you dabble in fusion. I have no choice but to crush you. Game over, jazzbo!), and the popular British actor named Dave Hill, whom you might remember from such films as “The Usual Suspects” and some other ones besides that that I can’t remember right now. I guess you’ll have too Google him. Ha! Good luck!

Anyway, seeing as how I’m living the sweet life these days, it’s not like I have time to sit around typing all day or anything. Trust me on this one- you don’t stay number one on Google by being lazy or getting complacent. I mean, I probably could, but generally speaking that’s just not how it’s done. Now if you’ll excuse, I have to go see what those f*ckers at Yahoo are up to.

Dave Hill