Crazy, Crazy Like A Fox (Alternate Title: Mother Knows Best)

A few months ago, I wrote about being brutally attacked by a swarm of moths within the confines of my own apartment. Upon further investigation, I discovered the angry moths in question were, in fact, clothing moths or Tineola bisselliellae as they are known in entomological circles and possibly also ancient Rome (still checking on this). Anyway, as hinted at in the name, clothing moths totally eat all your cloths in their spare time, specifically clothes that are at least partially made of wool. It’s seriously annoying. I was able to get the clothes-eating in check through the use of moth balls (made me dizzy), which made my apartment smell like the home of an old couple whose children had moved out long ago but still visit on occasion, usually on holidays, and now with children of their own.

Despite getting the moths to stop eating my clothes (as far as I can tell), they were still always totally flying around my apartment or just kind of hanging out in a manner that seemed to suggest “We’re here! We’re moths! Get used to it!” The thing was, I was totally not getting used to it. Like, not at all. I would see around five to ten moths in my apartment on most days, which is a lot of moths for one apartment any way you slice it. I suppose a more reasonable person would have addressed the problem more aggressively, but I’m a busy guy and- aside from shaking my fists at the moths whenever I saw them- I figured there wasn’t much else I could do at this point besides kill them, which I also did whenever possible despite my Buddhist approach to small portions of my life.

Still with me? Okay, so anyway, a week or two ago the exterminator swung by my pad on his semi-monthly rounds in my apartment building. I told him about the moths and he put out some little glue traps that he explained were filled with glue and moth pheromones (moth vagina sauce- gross but sexy, I know). He also told me I should totally wash all the fabrics in my apartment, which sounded INSANE to me.

Anyway, so last weekend I went home to see my parents in Cleveland and was totally telling them about the moth attack in my apartment. My dad had little to no reaction to news of the attack. My mother, however, suggested I leave a bowl of vinegar out in the apartment thinking that maybe the moths would totally hate that. It sounded a little nutty at first, but as a man who has been under attack by moths for several months now, I was willing to try anything (except for washing all the fabrics in my apartment, that is).

When I got back to my apartment in scenic New York City a few days ago, I decided to give it a shot. And now- as of this writing- I am surprised and happy to report that I have totally not seen any months anywhere in the place where I totally live. It’s pretty crazy. The only problem now is that my apartment smells like vinegar. I am not really sure what to do about that. But I am pretty happy about taking back the night on those F-in’ moths. Thanks, mom.

Dave Hill