My British Invasion: Updated Like A Motherf@%ker

Attention People Of London (Or People Who Might Totally Know People Of London And Could Tell Them About All This):

Hello. This is your man Dave Hill writing to let you know that- as rumoured (please note my embrace of the British spelling- I am on your side) in the Scandinavian press- I am totally coming to your town for nine straight days of nonstop entertainment (which is to say me delivering entertainment to you, the people of London, not the other way around, though I am open to it) in the form of six shows in which I will command the stage for somewhere in the neighborhood of 15 to 30 minutes at a time (subject to change and/or other factors even I'm not sure I can handle). I know what you are thinking right now and- trust me on this one- I am pretty excited about this whole thing too. According to public records, I am roughly 10 to 35 percent English by blood and I have the hair and outfits to prove it. Needless to say, my triumphant return to my ancestral homeland to give the people of London the full-on entertainment asskicking (I mean this in a good way. It is a good asskicking. Also, I am wondering if I mean to say arsekicking in this case. Please advise) they deserve is probably the greatest thing that has ever happened to me or anyone else in my entire extended family, including my uncle Phil, the infamous minor league baseball great who remains a burden to the Florida state court system to this day. And not to get all political here or anything, but if McCain wins next week I am not leaving your country so we (which is to say you and me) really need to make things work. I think your food is delicious and- let's face it- you guys sound smarter than us Americans when you talk. Please come to one or all of my London shows and I promise I will do my damnedest to get Hong Kong back for you guys as my part of the deal. I'm not sure how we let that one slip away in the first place. Based on snacks alone, it was totally worth keeping. Anyway, I really hope you can come to one, some, most, or all of my shows next week. It is going to be an incredible experience for everyone involved (which is my way of saying I am bringing my artificial snow machine, customs be damned). I have pasted my complete schedule just a couple lines below the sentence I am typing right now:

Nov. 1- 100 Club 7:30pm
The Fix show featuring acts John Shuttleworth, Tim Key, Pappy’s Fun Club, and me, Dave Hill, mentioned earlier.

Nov. 3- Wilmington Arms 8pm
New comedy night that I don’t know the name of but am still confident will be incredible.

Nov. 4- Belushi's Bar 8:30pm
Falling Down With Laughter show, also incredible.

Nov. 5- Fitzroy Tavern 8:30pm
Pear Shaped Comedy, seriously incredible and also pear-shaped as I understand it.

Nov. 6- Haven Pub 8:30pm
The Comedy Haven, so incredible that it's actually kind of ridiculous.

Nov. 9- Hen and Chickens Theatre 9pm
Dual show with the great Bishop and Douch, pronounced differently than I would otherwise prefer.

More elaborate details can be found on my MySpace page. If you come to a show I will buy you a glass of something afterwards.

Love,
Dave Hill