Jen and Me

It’s not easy for me to admit this, but last night I dreamt that Jennifer Aniston and I were totally in love. I swear that I almost never think about the former star of the popular but recently cancelled TV series “Friends” in my waking hours. And I generally like to think of myself as someone who has slightly better things do in my sleep than dream about celebrities, but still there is no denying it- sometime after 1 a.m. last night, as I soaked my pillow with drool and my boxers lay in a twisted mess around my ankles, Jennifer Aniston and I were completely obsessed with each other.

As is often the case with dreams, I can’t remember all the details of mine and Jennifer Aniston’s whirlwind romance too clearly, but I do remember that it was really, really awesome. We had somehow met on the set of some new TV show she was working on. She, of course, was the star. I’m not exactly sure what my job on the show was though- a camera man, a best boy, or maybe even the guy who makes sure there are fresh bagels for everyone on the set, no matter what time of day it is. Either way, it didn’t matter- Jen loved me for me and couldn’t be bothered with such details as whether or not I had money or even any visible means of employment for that matter. Ours was a love based on a very real and explosive chemistry and also the fact that in my dream state, Jennifer Aniston almost never wore a bra.

Given her recent separation from the popular movie star Brad Pitt and all, everyone on the set of Jennifer Aniston’s new TV show was extra careful to stay out of her way as much as possible. Not me though. From what I can remember, Jen and I were pretty much inseparable from the first second we met. During breaks from taping her new show, we’d sneak off and lie in the grass under a nearby tree, where we’d stare longingly into each others eyes, give each other baby kisses, and tickle each other for hours at a time. She’d whisper something into my ear and I’d giggle uncontrollably and then I’d whisper something into her ear and she’d giggle uncontrollably right back. That’s just how it was with me and Jen. It was like a scene from the best after-school special ever. Only with a lot more tongue. And better outfits. Occasionally, we’d let people join us under the tree, but soon enough they’d tire of how obsessed we were with each other and get back to eating all those delicious bagels that I very well might have been responsible for.

It is at this point that you’re probably wondering whether or not my serious girlfriend Jennifer Aniston and I ever got around to doing it. Believe me, I would like to know the answer to that question just as much you would, maybe even more, but unfortunately I just don’t know. Just as my relationship with Jennifer Aniston was getting to the point where even I wasn’t sure if I could handle it anymore, I was woken up by people talking loudly in the podiatrist’s office located on the ground floor directly beneath my apartment. I tried really hard to fall back asleep and see what happens next between me and Jen but the people in the podiatrist’s office downstairs just wouldn’t shut up. It was seriously pissing me off but since it was already past noon and all, I felt like I didn’t have much of a right to complain. After all, these people had lives to save. I decided to get out of bed and eat some lunch while checking my e-mail. “Cum guzzling sluts just can’t get enough,” the subject line of the first one in the inbox read.

Don’t let that be us, Jen. Don’t let that be us.

Dave Hill