Intervention

Last night on cable, I watched an exciting episode of “Intervention,” the incredible program that shows some drug addict doing a bunch of drugs for at least half the show until the drug addict’s entire family shows up at his house, bangs on his door, and starts crying and blowing their noses while telling him how he is a drug addict and they are not leaving until he gets into the mysterious van they have waiting for him out front.

The drug addict on last night’s episode was named Jason and his favorite thing in the whole world was to shoot up cocaine while wearing a pair of camouflage shorts and a baseball hat that was turned to the side in a mannner that suggested he is the kind of guy who is not exactly opposed to good times. When he wasn’t shooting up cocaine in his fun hat, Jason was drinking from big red plastic cups just like the kind you get at Pizza Hut only instead of being filled with Dr. Pepper or something they were filled with vodka or whatever else that drug addict could get his hands on. When he wasn’t drinking from the big red plastic cups, Jason was talking on the phone to his drug addict friends. He called them “dude” and “man” and told them how things were going to be “really sweet” just as soon as they got their hands on some more drugs, which ended up happening right after the next commercial, something Jason and his drug addict friends were all really happy about.

In between shots of Jason taking drugs, drinking from the big Pizza Hut cup, or talking to his druggie friends about drugs, they showed interviews with Jason’s four sisters, most of whom appeared to be addicted to highlights and wanted Jason to totally not be a total drug addict with a crazy hat anymore- except for Jason’s youngest sister Joy, that is, who explained that she was “just not a worrier.” Later in the show, they showed Joy snorting cocaine off the back of a toilet, and, boy, did that explain a lot. Sometimes they would even interview Jason too and he would go on and on about how awesome shooting cocaine was and also how his mom is a lesbian who moved to Florida.

In between all of that stuff, there would be writing on the screen that said how Jason had no idea his family was about to have an intervention for him, which of course seemed kind of crazy since Jason had pretty much spent the entire show taking drugs or at least talking about taking drugs and his sisters were all crying about how Jason won’t do anything but take drugs or at least talk about taking drugs. They even showed Jason’s mom and she was getting all worked up about like only a lesbian from Florida can. But I guess all of that stuff is kind of easy to ignore when you are a drug addict with a really fun hat like Jason.

After the commercial break, Jason’s entire family was sitting in a room with some lady named Candy who meant business. Together they all waited with an entire camera crew for Jason to show up. Then Jason walked into the room in his crazy funtime hat and couldn’t for the life of him figure out what was going on even though all he or anyone else could talk about up until that point in the show was how much he loved cocaine and drinking from the Pizza Hut cup. Then that Candy lady was all like “Jason, you don’t know me but I think you’re a drug addict!” Then everyone started crying and blowing their noses. The next thing he knew, Jason was shipped off to a rehab center where he wrote a bad song on the piano about Jesus and also got his lip pierced. As it turned out, Candy was able to talk Joy into going to rehab too, which worked out great because when they checked in with her three months later her hair looked incredible.

Dave Hill