At The Grocery Store

Last night, after a long day of this and that (mostly this), I stepped out into the night to do a little grocery shopping at my neighborhood Met Food store, which stays open late for people like me whose on-the-go lifestyles prevent them from shopping at the same time as completely normal and average people. At my neighborhood Met Food store, I bought carrots, celery, apples, blueberry yogurt, jalapeno peppers, serrano chile peppers, some other kind of peppers, Monterey Jack cheese (I’m not sure if Monterey Jack has to be capitalized, but- for now- I’m going with it. You never can be too careful.), crushed red pepper, Newman-O’s, tortillas, and something called “aloe vera drink.” It’s not too hard to spot the adventure picks on this list, though I suppose the fact that I’ve included them at the end helps a little as far as that sort of thing goes.

As my late-night grocery list might suggest, I try to eat healthy (within reason) whenever possible, at least around the house anyway. But I do love candy and cookies as much as the next perennial eight year-old, thus the Newman-O’s. I’ve had Newman-O’s a couple times before and it cannot be debated- they are not nearly as good as the more popular Oreo cookie, made for as long as I can remember by the Nab
isco people. I doubt even the popular actor Paul Newman himself- maker of these half-assed Oreo knockoffs- would debate this. But I figured by buying a cookie that is merely good instead of great, it might keep me from eating the whole bag in one sitting. I can eat about four Newman-O’s before I am reminded of how much better Oreos are, start getting depressed, and set the bag down. Plus, on the Newman-O’s packaging, Paul Newman and his wife are dressed up as farmers- not unlike that guy and the lady in the popular “American Gothic” painting. As anyone with a taste for denim will tell you, overalls = fun. It’s that kind of spirit I like to take with me when eating a light and sugary snack.

The second adventure pick on my list is the tortillas. My cousin Kieran mentioned something to me the other day about melting cheese between tortillas and I felt like I just had to try it. However, I usually hate buying anything remotely Mexican at the grocery store other than chips and salsa. This is not because I hate Mexicans. Sure, I get tired of all the crazy dancing every once in a while, but for the most part I have a very real fondness for the people of Mexico. I just don’t like buying Mexican food at the grocery store because I fear it might give other people at the grocery store the impression that I’m planning to throw a fiesta in my apartment or- at the very least- something that is just plain “Mexcellent.” Don’t get me wrong- I like good times as much as the next guy and I’ve even been known to mutter the phrase “I could really go for a margarita” at least a couple times in my life, but for some reason I don’t want to be known as the kind of guy that makes his own guacamole (or even worse, refers to the popular green dip as “guac”) or encourages people to “make a run for the border” at any point in the evening. It’s just not me. To that end, I even found it difficult to finally break down and ask the cashier at the grocery store where they kept the tortillas after I searched in vain for them for what felt like hours. I’m sure everyone at the grocery store last night thinks I’m sort of party guy now, but I have to admit my cousin Kieran was really onto something with that melted cheese and tortillas thing.

The third and final adventure pick on my list is the aloe vera drink, which- as it turns out- tastes almost nothing like the popular face cream of the same name. The aloe vera drink is a murky light yellow in color and has what I’m guessing are shards of actual aloe vera plant floating around in it. The beverage is sweet and vaguely pear-like in flavor and comes in a large green bottle of seemingly Asian design. I say “seemingly Asian design” not so much because I know much about such things however. It’s just because there was Asian writing on the bottle (I am like a detective when it comes to these matters). I am taking sips from the aloe vera drink as I type this and I am happy to report that it’s actually pretty good. I had originally assumed it would be rather nasty, what with it being made out of the same ingredient that goes into face cream and all, but it’s actually rather light, refreshing, and- perhaps most importantly- not “Mexcellent” in the least. With any luck, my skin should start getting a little softer a few gallons from now too.

Dave Hill