Sleepless In Brooklyn

I’ve been dealing with a bit of insomnia lately, so the past few nights I’ve ended up crawling out of bed in the middle of the night to watch TV for a little while, usually between the hours of three and six in the morning or so. A couple nights ago, I caught a movie called “Bikini Airways.” The description of the movie that pops up when you hit the info button on the remote control read “a woman resorts to sexual antics to save an airline.” It’s pretty much irresponsible not to watch something once it has been described that way, so I tried to put in as much time with it as possible. I had the sound down really low, so I couldn’t really hear any of the dialogue, but from where I was sitting it looked liked the woman’s airline rescuing efforts pretty much consisted of boning everyone that happened to be on the same flight as her. I’m not sure how this played into the saving of an entire airline, but I certainly admired her commitment. After a while, it seemed like some of the other ladies on the plane got the same idea and joined in on boning as many of their fellow travellers as possible. I’m not sure what airline this was, but I would sure like to find out. (I say this in an effort to suggest that I am not entirely opposed to the idea of having sex with total strangers on an airplane. Then again, I’m sure if the opportunity actually did arise, I wouldn’t know what to do. I’d probably just get nervous and stick my head into one of those SkyMall magazines. Why am I always blowing the really great opportunities in life when they fall in my lap? For example, when they give out those free samples of hot pockets and stuff in the grocery store, I almost never take them. What am I afraid of?)

In one scene in the incredible “Bikini Airways” movie, one of the pilots stepped out of the cockpit (NOTE: I’m sure there were a lot clever uses of the word cockpit during this movie, but- again- I had the sound off, so I missed out on those.), to grab himself a donut and a cup of coffee. You would have thought one of the stewardesses would have just brought him a donut and coffee in the cockpit so he didn’t have to get up from flying the plane, but by that point in the movie all the stewardesses were busy boning everybody so they couldn’t be bothered with in-flight snacks and all the other stuff you can usually count on them for. After all, the future of the airline was at stake- get your own damn peanuts. Am I right? Anyway, as the pilot was making his way back to the cockpit after grabbing a donut and coffee, he happened to catch a glimpse of some of the hardcore boning that was going on in coach. He took a quick look around to make sure no one was watching him and then, with a sort of “Don’t mind if I do” look on his face, he stood there staring at all the hot action going on for a few minutes until his co-pilot was finally like “Dude, would you stop watching all the hardcore boning for a few minutes and get back in here to help me guide this vessel to safety?” At least that’s what I’m guessing he said. I couldn’t hear him. I would have turned the sound up, but I didn’t want to wake the neighbors with the sound of a really great movie about a woman who would stop at nothing- not even a threesome- to save an airline whose future was in jeopardy.

On another one of my sleepless nights of watching late-night television, I stumbled upon a stirring and provocative documentary about dwarves. It turned the sound up for this one as dwarves on their own with no sound is usually not enough to drive the plot along- unless of course there is hardcore boning involved. Then again, you have to remember my goal in the end was to get back to sleep. I doubt watching a movie in which dwarves get down to some hardcore boning would have helped with that, so I’m glad this was just a documentary about dwarves and their day-to-day life and pretty much made no reference to hardcore boning at any point in the documentary as far as I can remember.

I’m not positive, but I think the dwarf documentary was called “Dwarves: Not A Fairy Tale.” As the title suggests, the documentary tended to focus on how it’s not always good times all the time when you’re a dwarf or “little person” as those little bastards (just kidding to any dwarfs that might be reading this. You know I think you are super.) insisted on being called much of the time. Sure, if there’s a Renaissance Fair or community theatre production of the hit movie “Willow” or something, you can pretty much be guaranteed a lot of special treatment if you’re a dwarf, but the rest of the time it’s mostly people staring at you as you struggle to grab items from the high shelves at the grocery store and stuff.

Throughout the incredible dwarf documentary, there was a lot of sad piano music playing in the background that helped underscore the fact that being a dwarf is kind of sucks a lot of the time. In one scene, a dwarf was talking about how he once got dressed up in an elf costume to entertain one of his friend’s kids at Christmas and he started to get all teary-eyed. I guess it was a pretty fun time for everyone, but then the next day it was back to not being an elf and he was reminded of how it’s kind of a pain in the ass being a dwarf on totally regular days when you’re not dressed up in an awesome green costume or anything. As for me, the combination of the sad piano music and the crying dwarf pretty much freaked me out more than anything else. That kind of stuff is just too much for me at five in the morning. Where is a woman resorting to sexual antics to save an airline when you really, really need her?

Dave Hill