I Can't Compete

Yesterday I received my quarterly high school alumni magazine in the mail (NOTE: For anyone potentially looking for biographical information on me or for anyone who is in fact currently writing an extensive biography about me, I would like to point out that I attended St. Ignatius High School, a Catholic school for promising young men in my native Cleveland). At the back of the magazine, there is a section that lists what various alumni have been up to lately- weddings, babies, deaths, various job promotions, assorted achievements, stuff like that. I’ve always been tempted to write in some sort of update about myself. I would really like to read in the magazine, for example, how I am now a newscaster in Sarasota, Florida and am married to a woman named Peg Landers or something (Peg Landers sounds like a good name for the wife of a Florida newscaster to me for some reason). Or maybe something about how I just opened a chain of martial arts supply stores in Ontario.

As I was flipping through this most recent issue however, I noticed an item about one of my fellow classmates who is now a bar owner and owns the distribution rights (I’m not sure what this means either) to Alcohol Without Liquid (or AWOL as it is known in fun circles), a “process that takes hard liquor and dispenses it as vapor in an oxygen mist, making it possible to breathe in a shot instead of drinking it.” This impressed me on at least four or five different levels. For starters, I liked how my fellow classmate decided to corner the market on this sort of thing before someone else got around to it. Also, it was nice to find out that there are other people out there who want to get hammered but are tired of the bullshit of having to ingest actual liquids while doing it. Suddenly I don’t feel so...alone. And as you can tell from the photo above, using AWOL is pretty much guaranteed to lead to hardcore boning if you play your cards right (and don’t breathe in too much I’m guessing).

Anyway, after reading the item about my fellow classmate’s AWOL business, I decided there wasn’t much I could write in about myself that could really compete with that. Don’t get me wrong- I’m pretty f*cking sweet and all that, but let’s face it- it’s almost noon and I’m still in my underwear.

Dave Hill