The History of Pornography

Last night on cable, I watched a show about the history of pornography. It was a show full of surprises because up until that point I- just like you perhaps- had been under the impression that pornography was not invented until some time in the mid-1970’s. As it turns out however, pornography has been around for hundreds, perhaps even thousands of years. The only problem was that nobody had DVD players back then, so their only options were to enjoy pornography in the form of sculptures, paintings, and cave drawings instead of the more convenient movie format we have come to enjoy so much in modern times. The good thing about the pornographic sculptures, paintings, and cave drawings however is that it allowed people to make the penis pretty much as big as they felt like instead of being limited to the just ten or twelve inches at best that we tend to see in most of today’s popular adult films. There was even one sculpture where the guy’s penis was so big, it looked like some sort of kickstand or something. Take it away and he would have fallen over. And if- God forbid- he were to break off his penis and stand it up next to himself, it probably would have come up to his eyebrows at least. Anyway you slice it, that’s one hell of a dong. However, I imagine walking around with a penis that big would not only be difficult, but there would also be a fair amount of namecalling involved. “Rod” comes to mind.

Another surprising thing about the show about the history of pornography that I watched on cable last night was that most of the porn experts being interviewed on the show were from England and generally didn’t seem like the kind of people who would be into pornography of any era, much less ancient pornography featuring some of the largest johnsons I have ever seen. Most of these experts sounded like scholars who might be more at home talking about Shakespeare or the finer points of gothic architecture instead of cave drawings depicting full-on butt sex. One guy even had a full beard. As any reasonable person will tell you, the mustache is pretty much the only way to go when it comes to porn, no matter what the era. And it doesn’t matter whether you’re actually making porn or if you’re just talking about porn- generally speaking, you should lose the beard, unless of course you’re talking about gay porn of the bear variety, in which case not only is the beard encouraged, it is pretty much mandatory. If you are confused at this point, please do not blame me- the rules of porn were invented long ago. And while I myself am often confused by their many layers and complexities, I’m just telling you the facts as I know them.

As long as we’re on the topic of porn, I should probably point out that I personally have never purchased pornography of any sort. I have rented it a bunch of times however, and I have to say that it does have its moments. And while I like to pretend that I only enjoy it on a strictly ironic level, beneath it all I am genuinely excited to see two (or three or four) people totally naked and going at it on camera. What can I say? God made me this way. And it’s exactly this sort of caveman-like urge that led to most of us being born in the first place. That and the occasional need for a tax write-off.

Ultimately however, I have to admit that watching porn is not unlike eating a McDonald’s value meal- it seems like a really good idea at the time, but when it’s all over you feel pretty unsatisfied and sometimes even disgusting. Still, there is something about it that keeps you coming back. Especially late at night, when you are really, really drunk. What the hell is wrong with you anyway?

Dave Hill