A Rash of Mysterious Deaths

I have noticed an alarming number of dead baby birds on the sidewalks of my otherwise death-free Brooklyn neighborhood lately- at least five in the past week. Of course you will not read anything about this in the press as the media usually chooses to turn its collective head whenever this sort of thing happens. And naturally there has been a lot of finger pointing (and beak pointing, one can only imagine) around the neighborhood ever since all these baby birds started showing up dead all over the place (though admittedly it has pretty much all been coming from me). Who wants these baby birds dead? And why do they keep leaving their damp, lifeless bodies in the middle of the sidewalk where I almost step on them? Dammit- I’m gonna get to the bottom of this.

In other news, yesterday I spotted Adam Yauch a/k/a MCA from the Beastie Boys walking down my otherwise Beastie-free Brooklyn street. He was wearing shorts and a large yellow backpack and appeared to be with his family. At this point I think he had little or nothing to do with the deaths of all those baby birds. But I’m not ruling it out. Watch your ass, Yauch- I’ve got my eye on you.

Dave Hill