An Unfortunate Beverage Decision

I’ve just returned from a long walk in my scenic Brooklyn neighborhood. It is hot as balls outside. In an effort to avoid passing out on the sidewalk, I stopped off for some ice cream and a bottle of water. I was going to get some sparkling water of some sort but then I saw a bottle of this stuff called Metromint, which- as the name suggests- is basically water with mint flavoring. It sounded kind disgusting at first but then I decided to keep an open mind about things and also reminded myself how sometimes I like drinking water right after brushing my teeth because the water has kind of a nice minty flavor. I decided to buy a bottle of it along with a pint of coffee ice cream.

As it turns out, there are several problems with the Metromint water. Dammit. For starters, it cost $2.50. Unless it’s going to give you superpowers or a handjob or something, this is way too much to be paying for a bottle of water. I felt like kind of a douchebag actually paying for it but I was too lazy to carry it all the way back to the cooler.

Once I got outside, I decided to give the Metromint water a shot. It pretty much tastes how water tastes when you drink it while chewing gum. This made me instantly think about how I could have had the same water drinking experience by just buying a regular bottle of water and 25¢ pack of gum, which would have been quite a savings over the $2.50 bottle of crappy mint water I held in my hand. Making matters worse, since I wasn’t actually chewing gum while drinking this particular bottle of water, it seemed more like someone else had dropped their piece of gum into my bottle of water. I had to keep reminding myself that this was not the case as I drank my overpriced bottle of Metromint. I guess the thing to do would have been to just stop drinking the bottle of Metromint altogether, but since I had already paid $2.50 for it I figured I had no choice but to suck it down (I am a cheap bastard). Plus, the label on the bottle said something about mint having healing powers so I figured it couldn’t be all bad.

Once I got home, I checked out the Metromint website to do a little more research on the product. Based on all the pictures of dudes hanging out with hot chicks while drinking bottles of Metromint that they had on the website, the Metromint water is pretty much guaranteed to get you laid, which is great. I will let you know what happens. So far, so not good.

Dave Hill