Still Ruling The F@#k Out Of Los Angeles

I have been in Los Angeles for almost a week now and- as you can probably imagine- I continue to totally rule the fuck out of this place. I did three shows last week, one little one and then two Dave Hill Explosions at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in Hollywood. They weren’t my greatest shows ever, but I am not going to cut myself or anything. I am hoping that most in attendance were at least sufficiently kicked in the privates on some level or another.

My guests at the two Explosions were Russ Meyer film actress Kitten Natividad and author Lauren Frances on Thursday and Friday respectively. They were both excellent. Kitten asked me if I wanted to feel her boobs during the show and for reasons I am still trying to figure out as I type this, I declined. Dammit. Story of my life.

Aside from doing shows and not touching Kitten Natividad’s boobs, I have pretty much been stuffing my face the whole time I have been out west. I went to In-N-Out Burger one day last week, which was delightful as always. That’s the drive-thru menu above. I had a Double Double burger (or whatever it’s called), some french fries, and a chocolate shake. I am hoping to do it up again there sometime before I leave.

I also ate at Bob’s Big Boy restaurant last week, where I had pretty much their equivalent of the stuff I had at In-n-Out Burger plus a salad since I am one seriously healthy motherfucker. Afterwards, I went outside and stood in front of the Bob’s Big Boy statue out front, which was a big treat for me as you can see in the photo above. If you look closely, you can actually see me getting fatter as the photo was snapped. On a side note, when I was a youngster growing up in Cleveland, my grandfather used to take me and my brother and sisters to Bob’s Big Boy all the time, so this was kind of like a homecoming of sorts. People are still talking about it.

This weekend I headed down to my friend Kahlil’s house in Culver City. We had some pretty crazy times. On Saturday, we went to Little Tokyo, where we went to the two Giant Robot stores they have there. I bought a couple T-shirts, one with a drawing by artist Barry McGee on it and another with a drawing of Gaahl from the Norwegian Black Metal band Gorgoroth on it (I’m not sure who drew that one though). We also got some bubble tea, taro flavor to be exact (above). It is pictured above. As taro bubble tea goes, this batch was kind of crappy but I didn’t mind that much because bubble tea is one of those things I think I like the idea of more than actually ingesting it- kind of like scotch, lobster, or pickled meat products. If it doesn’t work out at least it was fun trying.

After our field trip to Little Tokyo, we went swimming in Kahlil’s pool. I almost never go swimming, so this was pretty exciting for me, you know, being fully submerged in water and all. As you probably guessed, that is a picture of me and Kahlil in the pool above. Despite appearances to the contrary, however, we are neither gay nor retarded (that much). Also, you can’t see it in the photo but Kahlil has this awesome pool cleaner thing that roves around the floor of the pool like a robot. It just cruises around and cleans the pool and I could totally watch it for hours. Damn- I wish I had a picture of that thing. It’s better than watching tropical fish or large construction equipment.

After going swimming for a while, Kahlil disappeared for a minute and then next thing we knew he was totally dressed as Spongebob Squarepants (Kahlil’s excellent wife Ginger made the Spongebob costume in her spare time and it is pretty incredible) and playing the drums. Talk about taking things to the next level- that is an example of that. I wish people got dressed up like cartoon characters with little-to-no warning more often in this world. There’s just no denying it would be a better place.

In other excitement, we went to that Cold Stone Creamery place not once, but twice over the weekend. I had never been before and wasn’t really sure what all the fuss was about but now I am totally getting it. They take some ice cream and then mix a bunch of crap into and then next thing you know you are totally loving that shit. Also, they mix everything up on a cold stone which I guess is how the place got it’s name. On the first visit, I got a large Peanut Butter Cup Perfection and the next time I got a small Coffee Lover’s Only, which was a mistake- I should have gotten the large again. If you’re gonna do something, DO IT. Getting a small ice cream at Cold Stone Creamery is like paying for a hooker and then only sticking your dick in halfway so you will feel less bad about the whole thing when it’s all over. It just makes no sense. Oh, wait a minute, I just reread those last couple sentences and realized I am a disgusting person. But hopefully you see my point.

Anyway, I really liked the Cold Stone Creamery place but I don’t think it will take the place of my Ben and Jerry’s habit or anything. I am more of a sit at home type when it comes to stuffing my face with ice cream. Plus, there isn’t one near my house in Brooklyn really so I think I am safe for the moment as far as having to buy a pair of fat pants go.

Now I am back in the scenic Valley at my friend Dave’s place and plotting my next move. I am sure it will be something incredible. I will keep you posted.

Dave Hill