Drinking The Fuck Out Of Some Almond Milk

I am totally drinking the fuck out of some almond milk as I type this. In my ongoing quest to not become a great big fat person, I have been trying (a little bit, not that much really) to eat slightly healthier during the day so I don’t have to give up beer or ice cream or something crazy like that. My sister Miriam recommended I try drinking shakes made out of soy milk, natural peanut butter, and banana for breakfast and I was all into that shit until I talked to my friends Tig and Carlen about it and they were all like “You should just drink yourself a motherfucking milkshake if you’re gonna be drinking that shit.” I don’t know why they have to swear like that. Anyway, then Tig was all like almond milk is where it’s at. So the other day I bought a big box of that shit and totally brought it back to my house.

The almond milk I bought was made by the Blue Diamond company, the same people that bring you smoked and salted almonds that come in a shiny bag and are pretty delicious generally speaking. I guess they had all those almonds around and were all like “Fuck it- let’s make us some almond milk while we’re at it and then we can sell that shit too.” And it worked because I totally bought some of that shit just the other day just as they had probably hoped I would. Now I’m sitting here drinking a big drink I made with almond milk (I got it unsweetened and chocolate, which is kind of fun), natural peanut butter, and a big banana I just bought at the grocery store by my house. Things got a little crazy when I tried to mix it up though because the bottom of my mixer thing wasn’t screwed on right and when I poured the almond milk in it just leaked out the bottom and went all over the counter. That’s a situation I plan on dealing with later in the week. For now I am just letting the almond milk do it’s thing on my counter top. It’s too much for me to handle emotionally at the moment.

Anyway, the almond milk/peanut butter/banana shake is pretty good. I am hoping it gives me energy and keeps me from being plus-sized so I don’t have to buy new clothes or anything. I’ll let you know what happens. Really it could go either way.

In other news, a few days ago my friend Brett totally sent me a link on the Internet about a new hot pepper called the Bhut Jolokia (pictured above) that some motherfuckers discovered in India. It is reportedly now officially the hottest pepper in the whole world, kicking the shit out of all the Habaneros and Scotch Bonnets and whatnot that were fucking people up before. It’s an interesting story that can be found here. The narrator is kind of annoying so be sure to listen to the audio of him actually eating the pepper because he ends up being in a lot of pain and it’s kind of satisfying to know he experienced great discomfort.

Being a hot pepper fan and all, I am kind of curious to eat a Bhut Jolokia myself. I’ve eaten raw Habaneros and Scotch Bonnets before and my mouth and ass are still reasonably intact, so I’m thinking maybe I should step it up a bit. Maybe I can order some of those motherfuckers on the Internet or some shit. I really don’t know why I have to swear like that. Maybe it’s the fucking almond milk. What the F?

Speaking of hot, there was a fire in my apartment the other day. How crazy is that? I came home to discover the super and a maintenence guy totally in my apartment and telling my how the hot water tank caught on fire and stuff. Fortunately nothing bad happened and no one had to carry my charred remains out of my apartment or anything. That would have been awkward.

Have a super day.

Dave Hill