Hitting The Ice And Stuff

It is Tuesday night and I have just returned from playing my first hockey game of the season. I am playing on a team called the King Williams. We are regal in nature, as hinted in the name. So far we are not that good at hockey though, as we lost to the team with the green jerseys 6-0 or possibly even 7-0. At some point I stopped looking at the scoreboard. It’s a good thing I am not so much “in it to win it” as I just like playing hockey. I played a lot as a kid and even in high school and some of college (until I lost the fire). You might not guess that if you saw me playing tonight though. My skills seemed to have left me and I have pretty much become everything I used to fear as a kid- a chubby grown up who can barely make it a few times around the rink without hallucinating from exhaustion. I am hoping this is only temporary and a few games from now I will be back to full-on Gretzky mode. I am ¼ Canadian and I really can’t afford to be shaming my country.

In other news, everyone in show business is talking about the big writers’ strike. I hope it ends soon, what with me being in show business and all. I worry that a few months from now we will all be on bread lines and the world will be in sepia-tone everywhere you look (assuming you are in show business, that is). Maybe I will use this time to focus on my love of dance. Or I could just get hammered a lot like they did back in olden times when the only hope left was sitting in the glass right in front of you.

In still other news, today I bought some of my favorite cookies in the whole world, Tate’s chocolate chip, which are totally pictured above. As chocolate chip cookies go, Tate’s pretty much kick the crap out of every other cookie that has ever existed ever. Every time I buy them I get both really excited and really worried because I know the situation in my apartment is about to get really crazy, what with all those delicious cookies around and all. They pretty much taste just like really good homemade chocolate chip cookies only they are really expensive. I guess I could probably recreate the magic by baking chocolate cookies myself in my apartment, but since I am so totally not gay that it’s not even fucking funny I can’t really do that sort of thing. I have to get my cookies on the outside. Those are just the rules as I understand them.

Finally, today I read a story about a young girl in India who has four arms and four legs and is undergoing surgery to have a normal amount of limbs. Apparently, she has a conjoined twin attached to her that doesn’t have a head, which is just crazy any way you slice it. Even crazier is the fact that some of the people in the girl’s town are opposed to the surgery because they think she is sacred (you know, because of the extra arms and legs that tend to make her look more like a Hindu god than most people ten to). That’s easy for them to say- they don’t have to walk around all crazy-like (and probably in a considerable amount of pain I am assuming). Anyway, the good news is that the doctors think the surgery is going to go really well and the girl will be totally normal once she heals up and stuff. And then one day she will be hanging out with her friends sharing crazy stories of youth and she will say “Well I had four arms and four legs! Beat that, motherfuckers!” And then all her friends will be all like “Yeah, right- looks like someone’s had one too many Mike’s Hard Lemonades.” It will happen just like that.

Dave Hill