Bare Behind Bars

Last night I performed at the Rock-n-ROFL show over there at Piano’s. It was fun times. I skipped out before the Futureheads went on though because I was pretty wiped out. On the way out of the Lower East Side I stopped off at Katz’s Deli for a Knoblewurst (garlic sausage) sandwich to go, which quickly took me out of commission for the rest of the night (only in a really nice, garlic sausagey kind of way that I would totally do all over again right now if I could). As I stumbled west toward home in a garlic sausage-induced haze, I happened upon Kim’s Video off of Bleecker and decided to stop in.

And that is where I struck gold.

Sitting on the used DVD rack was a movie called “Bare Behind Bars,” a Brazilian film (awesomely overdubbed in English) directed by the great Oswaldo de Oliveira and priced to move at just $7.95. The tagline of the movie is “Behind bars no one can hear you scream.” When I got home though, I quickly discovered that the tagline should have been “Behind bars there is absolutely no reason to wear underwear or ever button up your prison uniform all the way either, cuz that shit aint’ stayin’ on for long.” Needless to say, it’s a pretty great film.

As you’ve probably guessed by now, “Bare Behind Bars” takes place at a women’s prison, a really awesome women’s prison where the female prisoners pretty much can’t stay out of trouble or in their clothes no matter how hard they try. Ditto for the female warden and prison guards who are constantly handing out their own swift brand of justice, which usually involves either hosing down all the prisoners to keep them from shivving each other or demanding that they remove all their clothes for no apparent reason pretty much every other scene in the movie. Sometimes the female prisoners get so out of hand that the female prison guards have to take them down into some crazy dungeon to punish them. Usually the punishment involves whipping them, hosing them down some more, grabbing the prisoners' boobs, making the prisoners grab their boobs, and then making the prisoners have sex of the girl-on-girl variety with them, which for some reason or another the prisoners never seem to be all that opposed to no matter how many times it happens throughout the movie.

It’s not all tough times in the women’s prison though. Every once in a while, the female prisoners get to hit the showers together and they really seem to enjoy that. About twenty or so of them will get all lathered up and then rub up against each other and scream and giggle a whole bunch like it was some kind of contest or something. Then they pair off and have sex on the ground outside of the showers, which of course ends up getting them dirty all over again so they have to hit the showers some more. Naturally, the female prison guards don’t like this so much so all of this just leads to more punishment. Then the whole thing starts all over again. It’s that awesome.

I should probably point out that I only had a chance to watch the first fifteen minutes of so of the popular film “Bare Behind Bars” last night. I hope am hoping to dig in to the rest tonight. I will return with my full report very soon. I promise. You know I wouldn’t leave you hanging like that.

Dave Hill