I Totally Cleaned The Fuck Out Of My Bathroom Last Night

I don’t know if this has already been reported on NY1 or maybe CNN.com or something, but just in case it hasn’t I should probably put the word out there: I cleaned the fuck out of my bathroom last night and holy shit was that shit incredible. It had been a long time coming too since I’ve been living at my current residence for about a year and a half now and had yet to really set sponge to tile (as they say in the trade) the entire time. There was quite an ecosystem going on in there too, but last night I decided to finally take back the night on that fucker once and for all. The neighbors are still talking about it.

I got it all started by scrubbing the tub. I sprinkled some Comet all over the fucking place and then just sort of stared at the porcelain (or whatever the hell that tub is made out of) for a few minutes before really digging in. I even got into the tub itself to do it. I took off my socks and everything. This shit was serious.

After I got done scrubbing the tub itself, I worked my way up to the tiles surrounding the tub. And since no one knows better than me exactly what’s on those tiles, it was a daunting and humbling task. Still, I dug in like an ex-con let loose in Times Square in 1978. It was awesome. The shower tiles were all like “What the fuck?” and I was all like “How you like me now?” I really got those tiles pretty clean. And thank God you can’t really catch anything from your own germs.

After I finished bitchslapping the general tub area, I decided to make my way down to the floor. I sprayed that shit with some floor cleaner shit and within minutes the entire floor (including behind the toilet) could consider itself totally scrubbed the fuck out of. You would have thought that floor was getting ready to go make its First Communion or something it was looking so motherfucking clean and angelic. Damn.

After I got done fucking up the floors, I started to attack the cabinets. As a man who stays in hotels often, I have roughly ten years-worth of hotel soaps, shampoos, conditioners, mouthwash, toothpaste, and various lotions to contend with when I open up that shit. I thought about emptying all the bottles and whatnot into one giant bottle that I could use for all-purpose body washing/moisturizing/breath freshening and/or looking incredibleness, but then I was all like “Fuck it” and started organizing the various products in order of classiness. Four Seasons (Who cares if I was only there for an hour? That shit was paid for!) to the left, Days Inn to the right. Barring any exceptional hygiene issues, I should be set until well into 2019 provided I ignore all that lather, rinse, repeat bullshit (according to something I read once, some guy at a shampoo company- Prell or something- just came up with that so they could sell more shampoo. And it totally worked! Motherfucker got a plaque and everything.).

Once I was through whipping the cabinets into shape, I started fucking up the general sink and mirror area. I cleaned that shit so good that if I could serve lunch on a vertical plane, I would totally have motherfuckers over for lunch on my bathroom mirror right fucking now. Windex, 409, Fantastic- if it comes in a bottle, chances are I sprayed that shit all over my mirror last night. Fuck it.

After I got done with all that shit, I moved on to the toilet. Man, was that a wild scene. I thought about setting it on fire to really kill all the butt and weiner germs once and for all, but then I just sprayed some pine-scented bullshit all over the place, covered my nose and mouth, held back the tears, and got down to business. It was pretty incredible. I got that motherfucker so clean I’ve been holding it in ever since.

By this point, everything was all pretty much cleaned the fuck out of, so I focused my efforts on organizing my various store-bought lotions, creams, and fragrances that I leave out in the open for up-to-the-minute clarifyin’ and beautifyin’, which took up pretty much the rest of the night. I cursed under my breath most of the time, but then I caught a glimpse of my radiant skin in the mirror and remembered how crucial all 46 products really were to making this (I am pointing to myself as I type this) happen.

Anyway, now I’m all like “What the fuck am I gonna do now?” I feel like today is the first day of the rest of my life. Maybe I’ll see what’s going on in the kitchen.

Dave Hill