Best Overheard NYC Conversation Ever + Middle-aged Mohawks, Fauxhawks, and Too-Loud Headphones

There are a lot of things I love about walking around New York City- looking at buildings, window shopping, looking at crazy people, looking at hot, hot babes, etc. But perhaps my favorite thing of all about walking around this town is overhearing little bits of people’s conversations. I don’t mean eavesdropping, I just mean hearing a sentence or two that on its own and/or taken completely out of context manages stand alone as a near work of art.

For a long time, my top prize in the Best Overheard Conversation in New York City went to the time I heard what appeared to be a twelve year-old boy walking with a few other twelve year-old boys down West 8th street who said to one them, “I just don’t want to be portrayed as a whore.” I have no idea what he could possibly have been talking about, but it was awesome to hear.

Today, however, I may have found a new winner. As I was walking up 8th Avenue this morning, I saw a nanny pushing along a 3 or 4 year-old girl in a stroller when she stopped to talk for a second to a thirtysomething white woman. After a couple seconds, the nanny continued on down the street and the little girl in the stroller looked up at her and asked, “Who was that?”

“That’s your mom,” the nanny smiled.

Pure gold.

In other news, further up 8th Avenue, I passed a man of about 45 with a mohawk. I’m not sure what it is about middle-aged men and mohawks, but it’s stunning how often I see the two of them together. I’m not sure what the cutoff age for having a mohawk should be (five, maybe?), but trust me on this one, old guys- unless your name is Travis Bickle, you might want to reconsider things. I mean, I get it- you’re a former punk rocker who is now working on putting a new commercial director reel together, but seriously- it’s time to get the clippers out again.

That having been said, the mohawk still beats the fauxhawk, perhaps the biggest indicator that a douchebag is approaching that I can think of as of this writing. If you have a fauxhawk and are reading this right now, step away from the computer and go to your nearest barber immediately. We can fix this. And moving forward- since you are clearly a man of questionable judgment- be sure to ask yourself before making any and all grooming and/or fashion decisions “Is this something David Beckham would do?” If the answer is yes, run away as quickly as you can. Glad I could help.

Oh, and one more thing- all you people on the subway who listen to your headphones so loud that I can hear every note of that shitty song your listening to, turn that shit down now before I fucking stab you.

Man, I am fired up today!

Dave Hill