I Am A Walking Miracle. I Could Go At Any Time.

As anyone who has ever slept in the same room with me will tell you, I tend to snore like a motherfucker. Weirdly, I don’t do it on purpose either (as has often been suggested by people who have been kept up all night by my snoring)- it is just something that totally happens without me realizing it, especially after I’ve been drinking I am told (which is often, what with me living the party lifestyle and all).

Over the last couple years, people who have shared the same room with me in both a boning and non-boning capacity have suggested that they thought I might actually die in my sleep, which would suck, especially for the person who has to totally wake up in the same room with a dead me. Imagine how awkward breakfast would be. Anyway, a few months ago I decided to go into a special clinic where they hook you up to a shitload of wires and stuff and analyze your sleeping habits. I did it two nights about a week apart. It was kind of weird knowing that someone was watching me sleep (they have cameras), especially since I often wake up with my boxers at my ankles for whatever reason, but dammit this was science so I tried to do my best to sleep in a really scientific manner.

A few days after my second night of being watched in my sleep, I got a call from a doctor who informed me that I had sleep apnea, the popular sleep disorder that causes a person to snore, choke, stop breathing, and maybe even die in their sleep, which is negative. My dad has sleep apnea so I wasn’t super surprised that I had it too, what with genetics and all. The doctor said the sleep apnea was probably the reason I am super tired all the time no matter how much sleep I get even though I still manage to be tons of fun. She also said I should start sleeping with the mask featured on the Asian man in the photo above. The mask makes it so you can’t snore or choke or die or anything while you sleep. It also pretty much makes it so no one will ever have sex with you again (unless they are into crazy shit, in which case you are pretty much set).

Anyway, I’ve been using the mask on and off for the past few months. It leaves a big red mark on my face so I tend not to use it when I am doing any glamorous on-camera work. It is also a pain at airports since it looks like some crazy bomb or something to the luggage inspector people who aren’t used to things from the future so I tend not to take it with me when I travel. It is also not that fun to strap on when you are hammered so I tend not to use it after I’ve been drinking a lot either, which- given the party lifestyle mentioned earlier- is a ton. When I do manage to use the mask though, it seems to work pretty well (aside from the red mark on my face). I feel better rested for the most part and don’t need to take any naps during the day really. One bad thing though is that whenever I wake up in the middle of the night, I feel like I am in an intensive care unit or something because I am wearing a crazy mask and I am all alone in the dark. This makes me feel kind of sad because I think I’m gonna die really soon or something and I’m not that much into that idea really since I’m always cooking up all sorts of plans for the future and stuff. Also, the idea of masturbating while wearing the mask seems too “Blue Velvet” or something, so I tend to avoid it. What can I say? I like to keep it classy.

I imagine in the future this whole thing will be treated differently and the Asian guy in the photo above and I won’t have to sleep with some crazy mask on so we don’t die or snore that much. I am excited for that day. Imagine all the crazy banging we will be up to. I mean, not with each other, just in general.

Dave Hill