Chinese Food And Ice Cream And Stuff

Last night I ate dinner in scenic Chinatown with my friends David and Kristen at Big Wong on Mott Street, which is one of the greatest restaurants in North America even though the people who work there make you feel like they’d much rather you not be sitting there in their restaurant. If you can get past that (I do every time), you have a great meal ahead of you.

Originally we were going to eat at Veselka in the East Village but then Kristen broke it to me and David that she had eaten there the night before so we decided to head south to Chinatown. It was a good move as Big Wong pretty much kicks the crap out of Veselka even though Veselka is already pretty excellent and serves completely different food so it doesn’t make much sense to compare the two but whatever.

At Big Wong we ate big piles of pork, duck, soy chicken, steamed dumplings, Chinese broccoli, and some sort of gooey, noodley seafood dish that was still pretty good despite the way I just made it sound. Whenever I go to this place all I can think about is how I might manage to cram even more food into my mouth and last night was no different. This is how I maintain my trademark softness.

At one point during dinner, I had to use the men’s room and discovered a woman hosing it down with a garden hose. Since she had just cleaned it and all, I knew I had to be on good behavior because any paper or anything on the floor and she would totally know it was me. I mention this not because I usually make a mess out of restaurant men’s rooms (that I know of), but it is nice to have the option generally speaking.

After throwing down at Big Wong, David, Kristen, and I headed over to the nearby Haagen Dazs store only to discover it had closed for the night. We adjusted quickly by heading over to the Chinatown Ice Cream Factory, where we all got reasonably sized cones. I had the mocha chip. I also wanted to get a T-shirt there but they didn’t have my size in the color I wanted so fuck it.

Usually the combination of Big Wong followed by ice cream gets quite the party started in my gastrointestinal system and last night was no different. I’m not sure why I do this every time. I guess I just like to live on the edge (of incontinence). Nothing sprinting through the streets of Manhattan at night.

After parting ways with David and Kristen I headed over to the the UCB Theatre to perform in the late night Monday show Crash Test, which is usually hosted by the unstoppable Aziz Ansari but last night was hosted by the unstoppable Fabrice Fabrice (AKA Nick Kroll). Fabrice was incredible as always. Seth Morris and James Smith were also on the show and both were super funny. I did my best to entertain despite my compromised state. By the time the show was over it was pretty late, so I headed home to stare at the walls for a while and also type on the Internet and stuff. Really, I don’t know how I do it sometimes. If you have managed to read this far, I both thank you and apologize. You are the best. Let’s get a snack some time.

Dave Hill