Thursday, June 30, 2005

Big Brothers

This morning, while doing a little something I like to call “surfing the net”, I happened upon a photo of the McCrary twins, two men known to history and Guinness Book of World Records enthusiasts alike as the World’s Fattest Twins. The photo is a pretty famous one and features the two plus-sized brothers wearing cowboy hats and sunglasses while riding motorcycles. It is a look that suggests that these are two guys that don’t let a few extra pounds get in the way of having a really, really good time.

The moment I saw the photo of the McCrary twins, I was immediately reminded of the fact that the subject of World’s Fattest Twins almost never crosses my mind these days. In my younger years, when I had a more active interest in World Record holders and large siblings in general, it was hard not to think of the McCrary twins at least a couple times a week. And with good reason. The twins- Benny and Billy- each topped out at 814 and 784 pounds respectively. And even though Benny weighed a full 30 pounds more than his brother Billy, they still managed to look pretty much identical when it came right down to it. I imagine whenever Benny pointed out to someone the fact he weighed 30 pounds more than his identical brother Billy, they probably stared at him in disbelief and said, “Well, I sure don’t know where you hide it, Benny.” Then again, there is a part of me that thinks that maybe Billy rubbed the fact that he was the thinner of the two into Benny’s face every once in a while. “Hey, Billy. I’m running a little low on laundry at the moment- do you think I could borrow a T-shirt?,” Benny might ask. “Fuck you, Benny. I don’t need your 814 pound ass stretching out my clothes,” Billy might reply. From the looks on their faces in the photo however, the McCrary twins looked pretty happy go lucky and didn’t really seem like the kind of guys who would let a mere 30 pounds or even a stretched-out T-shirt or two come between them.

I should probably mention at this point that it is not my intention to make light (no pun intended) of the McCrary twins weight problem or weight problems in general by speaking about them right now. If anything, my interest with the World’s Fattest Twins has more to do with the odds involved in earning that title in the first place. Plus, I really think they look great in those cowboy hats.

Getting back to the odds part of it however, there is only about a 1% chance of being born an identical twin. I don’t know what the odds of being born the fattest person in the world are, but I’m pretty sure those odds are even slimmer (again, no pun intended). I’m not exactly sure what the mathematical equation involving both the odds of being born an identical twin and being a world record-holding fat person might be, but I’m pretty sure that whatever it is, it would totally prove my point that ending up the World’s Fattest Twins is something you could never plan on in a million years, no matter how hard you tried. And all of that said, it’s pretty incredible that the McCrary brothers turned out to be not only be the World’s Fattest Twins, but completely awesome cowboy hat-wearing, motorcycle riding World’s Fattest Twins at that. They even did a little professional wrestling in their spare time away from their duties as the World’s Fattest Twins. Talk about overachievers.

Here’s to you McCrary twins, wherever you are.

Dave Hill

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Life After Love

I've just returned home from my neighborhood coffee shop, where the stereo played Cher's "Believe" immediately followed by Elton John's "Candle In The Wind." As I casually strolled the few blocks home to my apartment, I realized my blueberry cheese croissant was completely soaked with my own tears.

Dave Hill

Friday, June 24, 2005

It Was The Darndest Thing

You will never in a million years guess what happened to me today.

Dave Hill

A Minor Setback

Fucked again.

Just as I was about to realize my dream of opening a fish and chips shop on Atlantic Avenue between Hicks and Henry Streets in Brooklyn, someone else has gone ahead and opened a fish and chips shop on Atlantic Avenue between Hicks and Henry Streets in Brooklyn.

Dave Hill

Thursday, June 23, 2005

The Future Of The Internet

Thanks to my friend Tim, I have just launched a new website. Welcome to the future of the Internet. You can check it out here. I apologize in advance for completely blowing your mind.

Dave Hill