Monday, January 28, 2008


I’m not sure how much I can really talk about this because we’re still in production and stuff, but here is a photo of me and my co-star Joe Franklin on the set of the exciting remake of “Twins,” the popular 1988 Danny DeVito/Arnold Schwarzenneger vehicle, that we have been tirelessly working on for the last six months. Holy Waterworld has it been a lot of work but I am proud to say that (so far) it has been absolutely worth it. Some days, though, I swear we just turn the cameras on and that’s all it takes to start making magic. The photo above is from a great scene that’s not in the original film where we run out of Scope and then decide that we better get some more Scope. I don’t want to ruin it for you but it culminates with me and Joe losing control of our Scope-filled shopping cart, which somehow ends up crashing through the front window of an all-you-can-eat shrimp restaurant that just happens to be owned by- wait for it- Queen Latifah! I don’t know how the crew managed to keep from laughing while shooting that one. I can’t wait to see the outtakes. And Latifah- if you are reading this- “this shrimp tastes funny!” Only Latifah will know what I mean by that. Ha! Love you, girl.

Here is a photo of me and Joe just hanging out on the set between shooting scenes. A funny story: I would spend a lot of my downtime on the set checking e-mail, hitting the chat rooms, and day trading and stuff on my laptop, which is a Mac. Joe, noticing it was a Mac, would say to me every time, “Dude- you gotta get a Dell!,” which I would laugh at despite myself pretty much every time. Then Joe would say, “Dave, you gotta take a break from that computer or your eyes are gonna fall out!,” which, of course, would get me to set the computer down and go get a donut or something. So, anyway, on one of these “computer breaks”, I head over to craft services, grab a donut, a few Kit Kats, and some melon and then head back to the couch. And when I return, guess who’s on my computer. Joe! So I say to him, “Hey, Joe- you better take a break from that computer or your eyes are gonna fall out!” Joe- not missing a beat- then picks up an entire pitcher of hot coffee and throws it in my face, giving me third-degree burns from my chest up. I was furious at first, but then just doubled over laughing (and KEPT laughing all the way to the E.R.). For some reason we just can’t stay mad at each other. We still laugh about that day. In fact, ever since then, whenever I ask for coffee on the set, Joe says, “I’ll get it, Dave!” And then I say, “No thanks, Joe! Remember what happened last time?” And then I show him my medical I.D. bracelet. I can’t believe I actually get paid to make this movie. I am having so much fun and have made a friend for life. And I can’t believe I get to work with Sam Mendes!

Dave Hill

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Thin Lizzy

It's Sunday and it's feeling like a Thin Lizzy day for some reason. Then again, pretty much every day goes well with a little Thin Lizzy, one of the best band's off all time in my expert opinion. This is a video for their song "Bad Reputation." Pay special attention to the large metal Thin Lizzy logo hanging above them. Why every band doesn't have one of these I will never know. Maybe sometimes the sign would get stuck in traffic and band couldn't start the show without it. "Sorry, our drummer has to take a leak and also our giant metallic band logo is stuck in traffic," the rock band member will say. "I guess we'll need at least another fifteen minutes." And no one will argue with him because it will have all made perfect sense. This is the world I would like to live in. Someday, someday. Until then, I can watch this video and dream.

Dave Hill

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Video Vault: The Sheriff Of Prospect Park

As part of my ongoing attempt to make people watch some of my older videos on the Internet until I am done making some new ones, I would like to encourage you to now watch my incredible video called "The Sheriff of Prospect Park", featuring a star turn by that big fag David Rakoff, who probably has himself on Google alerts or something. Anyway, this video is from the future and also highly controversial, which is to say that some people didn't like it. Maybe they just can't handle art, the f#%kers. Anyway, check it out. I mean, hey, why not? If you've come to this page, you've obviously got the time. Ha! I make joke. I am thrilled you made time for me today. Without you, I might go back to being a cutter. Oh, who am I kidding? I am a cutter. I guess I just want to feel alive. Is that so wrong? I-I love you. Did I mention that? There- I said it. Are you happy now? Are you f#@king happy?! Alright, if you need me I'll be in the basement watching my programs. But don't bother me unless it's absolutely necessary. And no, I don't want any of your goddamn tuna casserole. I told you I hate tuna! I hate it!!!

Dave Hill

My Incredible YouTube Channel

I have added some new videos to my incredible YouTube channel. Wait- just let that sink in for a second. Okay, now go watch the videos on my Youtube channel, which is located here. I should point out that the girls in the photo above are not in any of my YouTube videos. They are in my dreams though. No, just kidding- they are not in my dreams either. It was just something I was thinking for a second, not unlike the popular Billy Ocean song "Get Outta My Dreams" in which he asks the lady in the song to "get out of his dreams and into his car." I imagine he couldn't help but smile to himself when he thought of that line. It's a pretty good one. Okay, um, anyway, that's about it for now. Hurray for the Internet! The future is now!

Dave Hill

Thursday, January 17, 2008

The Man Has Spoken

Thanks to my friend Laura/Lisa for pointing this out to me first, but here are some sage words from the man himself, Dick Cavett, on talk show hosts of the past versus today's crop. As usual, the man is right. Now would someone please send a car to Montauk and get that man back on the air?

As long as we're on the topic, I've probably mentioned this here before, but I strongly recommend picking up any and all of the Dick Cavett Show DVDs now available through Shout Factory. Pop them in every night at eleven until this writers' strike is over. It's riveting television.

Dave Hill

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

The Death Of Postum

It has come to my attention that Postum, the elusive wheat and molasses-based coffee substitute invented by known Seventh-day Adventist and cereal magnate C.W. Post as an alternative to the popular caffeine-based beverages (tea and coffee, mentioned earlier) that many Americans tend to start their day with, is no more. This news has come as a crushing blow to both Postum lovers and me, a guy who was just happy to know that a wheat and molasses-based beverage was out there if I ever wanted to try it.

The existence of Postum first came to my attention in the early ‘80’s when I was summering with my cousins at a resort off of Lake Champlain in Vermont. Basin Harbor, I think they called it. At the resort, we’d take each meal in a big dining room wearing dress attire. I always wore a kelly green blazer handed down to me from my brother. It was the only blazer I owned and was kind of embarrassing to wear every meal of the day, especially while eating in a dining room full of people who each owned more than one blazer, even the women. Then again, it kind of made me feel like I had just won the Masters every day. I guess I kind of miss that blazer now that I really think about it.

Anyway, that summer in the early ‘80’s, I noticed a peculiar item listed in the beverage section on the menu. “What’s Postum?,” I asked my uncle, a guy who would know from Postum, I thought.

“It’s kind of like coffee, only different,” he answered. My mind boggled. But since I was too young at the time to be ordering coffee, I figured I would also be too young to be ordering Postum and quickly gave up on the dream for the time being.

When I got back home to Cleveland later that summer, I found myself emboldened with a newfound determination to get to the bottom of this Postum business. And I sure as hell wasn’t going to let my age or the fact that I only owned one blazer that made me look like some kind of golf wunderkind get in the way of enjoying what I presumed to be the beverage of kings.

Fortunately for the young me, my family lived right down the street from a grocery store. With little notice to the rest of the family, I set out one day in search of Postum. Since I knew it was a beverage not unlike coffee according to my uncle, the detective in me knew to make a beeline right for the coffee aisle, judgment that would pay off big time because, well, it turns out that’s where they kept the Postum. There it was, nestled just to the left of the Folger’s Crystals and just south of the Nescafe and Sanka (coffee’s bitch, depending on whom you ask). There were only three or four jars of it, just enough to let the consumer know that this store wasn’t fucking around as far as Postum was concerned. I reached up and grabbed a jar and quickly pulled it to my face to take in its vacuum-sealed aroma and examine its contents. The front label played it pretty close to the vest- “instant hot beverage” it read simply. On the back, however, the truth came out- wheat, molasses, some other stuff. “That’s disgusting,” I thought. I set the jar back on its shelf and gave little thought to the topic of Postum ever again.

Until now, that is.

News of Postum’s demise first reached me through the Internet (and, to be fair, I have not seen nor heard of it mentioned elsewhere since). As it turns out, Mormons have been hit the hardest by the absence of the elusive beverage. Since they shun caffeine (and other fun things besides polygamy), Postum was just the thing for a God-fearing people in search of a warm, brown liquid to compliment whatever it was they were having for breakfast that day. Jars of Postum are now going for around $25 each on eBay. Are the Mormons to be blame? Well, they’re not not to be blame as far as I’m concerned.

Further research on the topic has revealed that Postum was the first product marketed by C.W. Post. The balls on that guy. He followed it up shortly thereafter with what some consider to be his masterstroke, Grape Nuts, a product containing neither grapes nor nuts yet still managing to hold its own over yogurt, underneath milk, or simply poured directly into the mouth straight from the box when no one else is looking.

For his next act, C.W. Post introduced an unfortunately named corn flakes product called Elijah’s Manna. He later changed the name to Post Toasties, but it was too late- the product had a decent enough run but never quite found its footing next to the Kellog’s Corn Flakes of the world.

C.W. Post killed himself in 1913. If you ask me, he was too hard on himself.

Dave Hill

Tuesday, January 15, 2008


Last night on cable, I watched an exciting episode of “Intervention,” the incredible program that shows some drug addict doing a bunch of drugs for at least half the show until the drug addict’s entire family shows up at his house, bangs on his door, and starts crying and blowing their noses while telling him how he is a drug addict and they are not leaving until he gets into the mysterious van they have waiting for him out front.

The drug addict on last night’s episode was named Jason and his favorite thing in the whole world was to shoot up cocaine while wearing a pair of camouflage shorts and a baseball hat that was turned to the side in a mannner that suggested he is the kind of guy who is not exactly opposed to good times. When he wasn’t shooting up cocaine in his fun hat, Jason was drinking from big red plastic cups just like the kind you get at Pizza Hut only instead of being filled with Dr. Pepper or something they were filled with vodka or whatever else that drug addict could get his hands on. When he wasn’t drinking from the big red plastic cups, Jason was talking on the phone to his drug addict friends. He called them “dude” and “man” and told them how things were going to be “really sweet” just as soon as they got their hands on some more drugs, which ended up happening right after the next commercial, something Jason and his drug addict friends were all really happy about.

In between shots of Jason taking drugs, drinking from the big Pizza Hut cup, or talking to his druggie friends about drugs, they showed interviews with Jason’s four sisters, most of whom appeared to be addicted to highlights and wanted Jason to totally not be a total drug addict with a crazy hat anymore- except for Jason’s youngest sister Joy, that is, who explained that she was “just not a worrier.” Later in the show, they showed Joy snorting cocaine off the back of a toilet, and, boy, did that explain a lot. Sometimes they would even interview Jason too and he would go on and on about how awesome shooting cocaine was and also how his mom is a lesbian who moved to Florida.

In between all of that stuff, there would be writing on the screen that said how Jason had no idea his family was about to have an intervention for him, which of course seemed kind of crazy since Jason had pretty much spent the entire show taking drugs or at least talking about taking drugs and his sisters were all crying about how Jason won’t do anything but take drugs or at least talk about taking drugs. They even showed Jason’s mom and she was getting all worked up about like only a lesbian from Florida can. But I guess all of that stuff is kind of easy to ignore when you are a drug addict with a really fun hat like Jason.

After the commercial break, Jason’s entire family was sitting in a room with some lady named Candy who meant business. Together they all waited with an entire camera crew for Jason to show up. Then Jason walked into the room in his crazy funtime hat and couldn’t for the life of him figure out what was going on even though all he or anyone else could talk about up until that point in the show was how much he loved cocaine and drinking from the Pizza Hut cup. Then that Candy lady was all like “Jason, you don’t know me but I think you’re a drug addict!” Then everyone started crying and blowing their noses. The next thing he knew, Jason was shipped off to a rehab center where he wrote a bad song on the piano about Jesus and also got his lip pierced. As it turned out, Candy was able to talk Joy into going to rehab too, which worked out great because when they checked in with her three months later her hair looked incredible.

Dave Hill

Monday, January 14, 2008

Sweating Like The Wind

Yesterday, I went to the Russian baths here in New York City, which have been in existence in the very same location on East 10th Street for over 600 years now. No, actually it’s more like 115 years or so, but that’s still a long time any way you slice it.

For the uninitiated, the Russian baths are a series of insanely hot rooms that people go into to sweat out all the nasty stuff that ends up lodged in their bodies as a result of drinking Mountain Dew and eating hot dogs all the time. John Belushi used to go there back in the days when he was really packing a lot of fun into his week. There are five different rooms at the Russian baths, each offering a different way for you to get so hot you think you are going to keel over and end up on the cover of the New York Post. One room is the Russian room and it’s all dark and hot. People moan a lot in this room for some reason. Then there is a Turkish room that seems even hotter and sweatier than the Russian one. People tend to say “shit” and “fuck” a lot in this room. There is another room that’s just labeled “steam room.” It’s really small and kind of boring because no one is grunting or swearing much in this room. Sometimes I go in this room for a few minutes and do a little grunting and swearing myself just so it won’t feel left out.

The fourth room at the Russian baths is the aromatherapy steam room. It’s pretty much just like the other steam room only it’s bigger and smells like eucalyptus or something. This room is good for clearing out the sinuses but isn’t as popular as some of the other rooms because men are afraid they might turn gay if they hang out in a room called the aromatherapy room for too long, which is a reasonable concern.

The fifth room at the Russian baths is the sauna room and it’s pretty much like those wood saunas they used to have at Holiday Inns and stuff back in simpler times. This sort of room always reminds me of going on family trips when I was kid. We’d go in the Holiday Inn swimming pool and then sneak off into the sauna for a couple minutes until we got yelled at for trying to pick up those hot rocks they have in there. I wish they would pipe Fleetwood Mac into the sauna room. It would really take me back. Then again, I kind of wish Fleetwood Mac were piped into pretty much every room I enter. Someday, someday.

They also have a big cold pool there, which- as the name suggests- is a swimming pool full of freezing water. People jump in and let out high pitched noises for a couple seconds before going back to saying “shit” and “fuck” a lot. I tend to avoid going in the cold pool because I assume it contains a high percentage of ball sweat. Also, it’s seriously cold and I am kind of a whuss in that regard.

I really like going to the Russian baths here in New York but it still doesn’t compare to the Schvitz in my native Cleveland. The Schvitz is a Russian bath with just one big sweaty room. It’s men-only but not in “that way,” more in an old school manly man kind of way where guys use the word “broad” and “dame” a lot and look they might have a heart attack at any moment. After hanging out in the big sweaty room (It’s Russian-style, like the first one I mentioned from the Russian baths) for a while, everyone heads upstairs and eats big garlic-covered steaks and drinks beer and vodka while dressed in bedsheets and swearing a lot. The entire proceedings are watched over by a mysterious old photo on the wall of a man with an eyepatch. The parking lot is guarded by a guy who is rumored to have a shotgun within easy reach. In short, the Schvitz is awesome.

After the Russian baths, my friend Brett and I walked a few blocks to eat the fuck out of some Indian food. We went to Panna II, where chili pepper lights meets Christmas tree lights and it’s everybody’s birthday all the time. Some people think this place is a little cockroachy, but I disagree, dammit. And after sweating like a motherfucker for three hours, I was lumberjack hungry so I went kind of nuts. I am feeling a little plus-sized as a result today, but it’s still good to know I’ve gotten all that Mountain Dew and hot dog residue out of my system.

Dave Hill

Saturday, January 12, 2008

It Was A Good Day

Last week, fucked around and got a triple double.

Dave Hill

Friday, January 11, 2008

Children Of The Unicorn: TOMORROW At The Mercury Lounge

Attention People of New York City:

Hello. Hi. How are you? I am pretty good, thanks. Anyway, I wanted to let you know that this Saturday night (which is TOMORROW night, dammit), one of my seriously great rock bands, Children of the Unicorn, will be bringing the heat, like, for real at the Mercury Lounge at 10:30pm. If you have not seen Children of the Unicorn yet I would strongly encourage you to totally show up because it is really going to be something. In fact, a lot of times I wish I were not in the band just so I could show up and watch the magic from the crowd instead. Also, I do not like the other guys in the band that much. No, I am only kidding about that. I am told they are very nice guys. Anyway, seriously, you should come to the show. My man Phil, whom you no doubt know as my partner in crime in many of my other entertainment ventures, will be singing and playing the guitar in the middle of the stage and then I will be standing like six feet away from him playing the guitar as fast as I can (which is, like, pretty fast. Just ask my mom. Wait, no, just ask YOUR mom! Ha! I am suggesting that I have had intercourse with your mother). Motherf#%kers will not believe that sh*t. And there are three other sweet dudes in the band too. We are on MySpace and everything. Screw the big labels! Take back the night! I also wanted to mention that if you come to the show TOMORROW you will get a FREE copy of our debt self-titled compact disc record album, which has pretty much all the songs we know on it played to the best of our ability, which is practically Nordic in both its ferocity and use of torches. In simpler times, I might have told you that our show TOMORROW night is a record release party. For the purposes of brevity and other stuff though, I will simply tell you that we shall wake the undead and send them howling into the night, maybe even upstate or something. Also- as if all of that stuff is not enough, Ginger, from the legendary British band the Wildhearts will be playing an acoustic set right before us at 9:30pm. That is going to be really great too. This town! Am I right or am I right? I had to get out and start enjoyin' 'cause life's too short. Also, watch this video:

Dave Hill

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Dave's Video Vault: Little Michael Jackson And Me

Hello there. Hi. How are you? Anyway, while I am staying busy making all sorts of new and exciting videos in my spare time, I figured I should try shoving some of my older videos in everyone's faces just so they will have stuff to watch on the Internet until I get my new videos all cooked up and ready for the citizens of the Internet. I am just trying to do my part. Anyway, to that end, here is the first installment of "Dave's Video Vault" featuring my groundbreaking and just pretty incredible video in general for the the first episode of "Little Michael Jackson and Me." When I look at this video I realize that, gosh, we were just kids back then, Little MJ and me. Now we can't even get each other on the phone without having ten different agents and managers setting up the call. Sometimes I just want my life back, you know?

Dave Hill

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Bodies: The Exhibition

Yesterday, I went to see “Bodies: The Exhibition,” the popular exhibition of bodies advertised on most phone booths here in New York City. As hinted at in the name, “Bodies: The Exhibition” is totally an exhibition of human bodies only instead of being made up of wax figures like at Madame Tussaud’s popular wax museum or mannequins like in the 1987 box office hit “Mannequin” starring Hollywood’s Andrew McCarthy in the role of Jonathan Switcher, a young artist with a penchant for mischief, the bodies at “Bodies: The Exhibition” are made up of actual human bodies that are all chopped up and preserved using a futuristic process that none of the guards will talk about. The bodies are then brought into the museum- probably at night, I’m guessing- and propped up into all sorts of exciting and lifelike poses. One body is playing football, another is playing basketball, and another is conducting a world-class orchestra that exists only in our minds, a task that requires as many as two-thirds of the bodies approximately 6,459 major muscle groups to accomplish. Still other bodies are sliced up in a way that showcases just the digestive system, just the nervous system, or just the skeletal system for example. The one thing all the bodies at the museum have in common is that pretty much none of them saw it coming.

As is usually the case whenever any public display of the human anatomy takes place, the big question on everyone’s mind at “Bodies: The Exhibition” has to do with whether or not they are going to show the privates. And fortunately for me and everyone else who paid twenty-five bucks to get in yesterday, “Bodies: The Exhibition” does not disappoint. Since it is a show for the whole family though, no mention is made of the donger the first couple times we see it (like we weren’t gonna notice or something). But then after you get through a couple of rooms full of bodies, the voice on the little handheld earpiece thing they give you on the way in finally gives in and says “And this is the human reproductive system.” Then everyone gets excited and the mysterious voice goes on to talk about everyone’s goods for a while. And as if all that weren’t enough- they even show a dead man’s wiener all split right up the middle so you can see what it’s actually made of, thus finally solving one of life’s great mysteries and also cutting my average shower time in half in the process.

It’s hard not to wonder what everyone featured in “Bodies: The Exhibition” did back when they were alive and not propped up in a museum at the South Street Seaport with their dingle dangles all hanging out like that. Were they astronauts or sea captains or were they totally just hanging out until one day some weird blue van pulled up to them on the street and they decided to get in just to break up the day a little bit? I especially wonder about the fat lady who is all sliced up from head-to-toe like a giant ham just so everyone in attendance can see what a plus-sized person looks like on the inside. Maybe if they would have given here the heads up on how she’d be spending the afterlife she would have started ordering her dressing on the side or signed up for tennis lessons or something. Oh well, at least she is not conducting an orchestra with her nuts hanging out. That guy is just asking for it.

Dave Hill

Sunday, January 06, 2008

Entertaining Entertainment

I'm guessing I'm the last person on the planet not to have seen this (like "E.T." and "Stars Wars" before that), but I really enjoyed it just the same. I wish this happened on regular TV all the time.

Dave Hill

Friday, January 04, 2008

You Know, If You Get The Chance

Hi. So, um, anyway, I have been nominated for an ECNY Award and what that is is an Emerging Comics of New York Award, which is from the future. I am nominated for an award for "Best Short Comedic Film" for my incredible "Little Michael Jackson And Me" video, which is below for your viewing pleasure and/or displeasure. If you get the chance, you can vote for me here. Given the choice between winning an award and not winning an award, I am generally in favor of winning an award (unless, of course, the award is for "Most Hitler-like" or something. That is an award I never ever want to win. Ever. If you ever see me nominated for such an award, please DO NOT vote for me). Also, if I don't win, I will cut myself. Just sayin.' Thank you and goodnight.

Dave Hill

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

I Am Still Writing 2007 On All My Checks

New Year's- am I right? The future is now.

Dave Hill