Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Yes, I Know I Am Shameless

Here is something nice. Variety Magazine put me on their "10 Comics To Watch" list. There is a story about me and everything. You can read it here. I can't wait to shove it in my coworkers faces one day when I am working at an auto parts shop or something. Or maybe I will grow up to be just like Kevin Costner. Really, it could go either way. Show business is a cruel mistress.

Dave Hill

Monday, February 26, 2007

UCB Theatre Presents Fistfight Tonight At Comix With An X. I Am Hosting The Fuck Out Of That Shit.

How about this weather? Am I right? Anyway, if you find yourself in Manhattan's exciting Meatpacking District tonight by any chance, I will be hosting the fuck out of something called "Fistfight" at Comix (spelled with an X, located at 14th Street and 9th Avenue) , which is being presented by the UCB Theatre, the place where I do my popular Dave Hill Explosion show. Anyway, there are all sorts of great performers on the "Fistfight" show, including the unstoppable John Mulaney, Cracked Out, Julie & Jackie, and Buffoons. In between all of them, I will come out on stage and say or do something. How about that for a night of entertainment? Anyway, if you like good times, come on by!

Dave Hill

Thursday, February 22, 2007

A Particularly Exciting Shoe Store

A few blocks from my apartment there is a shoe store called Shoegasm. I have never been inside, but I’m guessing (based on the name anyway) that the store offers a selection of shoes that is so incredible that it allows all those to enter to acheive orgasm. I have to admit, the shoes in the window do look pretty good but the last thing I want is to walk into some store and have everybody jizzing all over the place when I’m just trying to do a little shopping. The real problem though is that every time I walk past the store it is hard for me not to think of jizz-covered shoes. Personally, I try to avoid getting jizz on my shoes at all costs. I’ve had plenty of saliva, urine, puke, and maybe even a few drops of blood on my shoes in the past, but having jizz on my shoes is where I draw the line. It is just something I am not “down with.” But I am just one person. If you yourself are a proponent of the jizz-covered shoe-wearing lifestyle, I do not judge you. In fact, I know a store you should check out.

Dave Hill

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

John Mulaney on Conan O'Brien

Here is something fun to watch- my close personal friend John Mulaney on the popular Conan O'Brien program. John is a seriously funny motherfucker. Dammit. Anyway, I hope you enjoy watching this as much I did.

Dave Hill

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Killer Workout, Killer Pickles

Last night I hit the gym for the first time in about four months or so. As you can probably imagine, it was a seriously killer workout. I was really tearing it up like a motherfucker in there. I was on the elliptical machine for like 40 minutes or some shit. At one point, I even turned off my iPod so I could really focus on the burn. It was awesome.

After my killer workout, I took the victory walk back to my apartment and just let the endorphins flow for a little while. Holy shit. Then I dipped into a brand new stash of pickled products I got from my friend Jon over at the reputable Wheelhouse PIckles company of Brooklyn. Motherfucker hooked me up with some pickled beets, beans, and some other crazy pickles and I was loving that shit. If you like pickles, you should track down some Wheelhouse Pickles because they are so great. I even stepped them up a few times by throwing in a couple hot peppers I got from the Bruno Pepper company. My friend Phil turned me onto these back in the ‘90’s and I recently got reconnected with them. I feel complete.

Anyway, if you are looking for a little excitement around the house, I highly recommend getting out of control with the above products. Pickles are delicous, low-calorie fun-time snacks. And by buying from such independent trailblazers like the companies above, you can feel extra good about yourself because you will be sticking it to the man like a mothefucker in the process. In fact, if you want to keep up the pickle revolution, you should also check out McClure’s Pickles. My friend Bob, a member of the McClure Pickle Empire, gave me a taste of these a few months back and I was all like “Bob- are fucking kidding me? This shit is so fucking delicious it’s messing with my head! Now get the fuck out of my face so I can eat me some more pickles!” It happened just like that.

I never thought I’d have an in with so many pickle magnates but I do and I gotta say it’s a pretty incredible way to live.

In other news,here is something exciting for my ever-growing Japanese fan base

Dave Hill

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Mardi Gras Brooklyn

Hi there. This Tuesday I will be hosting an exciting benefit to aid the musicians of New Orleans called Mardi Gras Brooklyn at Union Hall, which is one of my favorite places in North America. Please click on the link in the last sentence for more information on the event and please come because it will be super good times. Dammit.

Dave Hill

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

The Dave Hill Explosion w/Cowboy Randy Jones from the Village People and Lucy Wainwright Roche. Come, Dammit.

Attention People Of New York City:

I just wanted to remind you one last time that TOMORROW, Thursday, February 15 at 9:30pm, I will be breaking out another mindbending installment of my popular nightclub act, The Dave Hill Explosion, at the conveniently located Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre, the pride of Chelsea. As I write to you from my modest yet tastefully decorated apartment high above the mean streets of this town, a fierce blanket of snow is moving in from my Nordic homeland, threatening to kill us all in our sleep. Still, not even the frozen sweat of Jesus is a match for the kind of heat I will bringing without even trying tomorrow night at my popular show. In fact, if those bastards over at the American Meteorological Society know what is good for them, they will start putting out word of a flood warning in New York City as soon as possible (the implication of course being that the heat produced from my performance will cause a shift in barometric pressure that will rapidly melt the snow, turning it into an excess of water that could potentially lead to the loss of property of life). I guess it it also no small irony that I write to you on Valentine's Day. I do not expect many of you to know this, but it is on this very day nine years ago that I met, romanced, and married my first wife Peg Romijn-Stamos, a Paramus showgirl with a taste for knives, fast cars, and jerky. I lost her in a Mexican divorce not six weeks later. Anyway, my show tomorrow is going to be really great. Aside from all the usual incredible stuff, I am going to be joined on my show by some really incredible guests, including but not necessarily limited to Cowboy Randy Jones
from the Village People and the delightful songstress Lucy Wainwright Roche. Dammit I hope you can make it. In fact, why not reserve a ticket or several right here?

Dave Hill

Friday, February 09, 2007


I would have liked to have known you, but I was just a kid...

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Little Michael Jackson And Me

Hi! How are you? Really great, I hope. Anyway, if you like watching videos on the Internet, click on the above window or here and you can watch the exciting video I made recently for the popular new website Super Deluxe. The video is called "Little Michael Jackson And Me" and is all sorts of fun and stuff. I hope you enjoy it so much. Also, here is a little something for my many, many Japanese fans.

Dave Hill

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Astronaut Love

I can't really get into this too much right now (I totally am planning to later though), but here is a really great story about love. Basically, one astronaut, Lisa Marie Nowak, was in love with this other astronaut only he already had a girlfriend, so Lisa Marie Nowak drove all the way from Houston to Orlando to confront/try to kidnap/dismember the girlfriend (also an astronaut. What are the chances?) of the astronaut she was in love with. The great part is that she did it wearing a wig, sunglasses, and diapers. Apparently she didn't want to be recognized or have to stop to go to the bathroom on the way to trying to confront/try to kidnap/dismember the astronaut girlfriend of the astronaut she was in love with. Sometimes I don't want to believe in love and then I read a story like this and I just think "Yeah, love is real. Love is real!"

Dave Hill

Monday, February 05, 2007

The Dave Hill Explosion: Thursday, February 15 At The Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre. It Is Going To Be So Great.

Attention People Of New York City:

The Superbowl- am I right? All those plays and everything, man. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that next Thursday, February 15, at 9:30pm, I will once again be walking out on stage at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in scenic Chelsea and breaking it out like a motherf#@ker or something in the form of my critically-acclaimed one-woman show (Ha! That is a joke, of course- especially considering the fact that- as pretty much anyone who was at the Port Authority this past Saturday night will tell you- I have male privates) The Dave Hill Explosion. When I have not been busy hanging out with the RZA all the time lately, I have been working out really hard for this one. And if my lats, delts, abs, pecs, gluts, or any other muscles that I have repeatedly broken down and built up in the past few weeks have any say in the matter, this will undoubtedly be the most intense Explosion yet. You should probably wear a cup. Anyway, if you like fun times involving talking, singing, reading, clapping, dancing, watching stuff, and other things, then you are gonna think it is motherf#@king Christmas next week at my show. You will be all looking at your calendar and sh*t and thinking like maybe you got some head injury or something. Also, I am going to have a couple really great guests on my show, one of whom I can tell you right now is Randy Jones, better known to Americans everywhere as the cowboy from the Village People. I know- I am pretty excited about it too. I will announce the other guest later since I realize some of you are not at home right now and might not have a change of pants at the ready. Until then, let me just say that I really hope you can make it to my really great show. In fact, if you are thinking like maybe you want to come, you can reserve tickets at no cost to you right here. Click on the word here in the sentence before this one and then it takes you somewhere else on the Internet. How about that? Next thing you know you will be out to dinner and ordering the steak and the waiter will bring out a tiny little pill and you will be all like What is that? and the waiter will be all like That is your steak and then you will be all like Oh yeah, I forgot we were living in the future- Is this silver suit too tight on me? It will be just like that and I cannot wait.

No- YOU are the best,
Dave Hill

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Huge-Nippled Mannequins And Other Topics

I am experiencing plague like symptoms today after spending three hours in the freezing cold yesterday shooting an exciting new video I am making. Anything for art, dammit. But now I feel like ass, as they say. Above is a picture of me and my friend David while shooting yesterday. He plays the bad guy.

Anyway, today is the Super Bowl. I didn’t know who was playing until a couple days ago when my friend Matt told me, which I guess pretty much makes me gay or really close to being gay. But while all the fellas are watching the big game, I am going to be banging all the ladies. No, not really- I will probably just take a nap or maybe go to friend’s house and watch the game and pretend like I know what’s going on. I will say things like “Great play!” and “Wow- that’s gotta hurt. Am I right?” and really try to mean it.

In other news, the other night I had dinner with my friend Matt mentioned in the paragraph above. We ate at the Peking Duck House on Mott Street over there in Chinatown here in New York City. It was duckalicious. I recommend it unless you don’t like the idea of a whole duck being dipped into a vat of hot grease and then hacked into bits and brought to your table for your enjoyment. See, me- I’m into that sort of thing. Also, at the Peking Duck House, they bring out the whole duck for you to look at it before they chop it into into delicious little bite-sized chunks. I’m not sure why they do this. I guess maybe it’s so you believe them that totally just fried up a whole duck for you or something. Perhaps there was a fried duck scandal at some point in time that I totally don’t know about.

On the way home from eating a bunch of duck with my friend Matt, I passed a store window in which the mannequins in the photo above were totally standing. I hope this doesn’t make me a pervert, but I couldn’t help but notice how prominent the nipples were on these mannequins. I guess the store wants to let people with huge nipples know that their sweaters will not only look great on them but also really help them take their nipples to the next level. After all, they seem to be working out pretty well for the huge-nippled mannequins. They really seem to be having great time.

Dave Hill