Thursday, March 30, 2006

The Dave Hill Explosion w/special guest Hal Sparks at UCB L.A. TONIGHT

Attention People Of Los Angeles And Those Of You Who Could Make It Your Business To Tell The People Of Los Angeles About The Following:

Hello. This is your man Dave Hill writing to let you know that TONIGHT, Thursday, March 30 at 8pm at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre (located at 5919 Franklin Avenue in the land of dreams that is Hollywood. There is also a grocery just down the street if you need anything last minute.), I will be launching round two of my one-man attack on Los Angeles in the form of my critically-acclaimed and pretty f%$king sweet in general show the Dave Hill Explosion, which is totally going to include my special excellent guest Hal Sparks, whom TV lovers know from such programs as Queer As Folk, Talk Soup, and roughly 976 shows on the reputable VH1 network. I know- that was a really long sentence. Anyway, as many of you know, my show last week in Los Angeles was totally sold out, so now the pressure is on to do it all over again or my parents are just going to launch right back into that whole get-a-job thing they have been bringing up for the past 7 years or so. It is seriously annoying. Anyway, I have been out here in scenic Los Angeles for a week now and have been pretty much ruling this sh*t. I have a rental car and everything. F#@k. I have been having a pretty good time in general and- in between taking over the world of show business- I have been eating a lot and napping pretty much. The night before last I ate some Cuban food at two in the morning and I spent yesterday pretty much violently ill all day. I am viewing this, however, as an isolated incident and this will in no way affect my love for the people of Cuba and/or their delicious culinary offerings. I just might not go back to that one place I got the stuff the other night. But even then, I will probably just go back there anyway. I know, I know- I am blaming myself again. But let us focus on the show. It starts at 8pm and will also include the unstoppable Trev and the Rev (Seth Morris and Brian Huskey, who are total pros and also hilarious). If you do not come I will freak the hell out. This is my life, dammit! No, wait, that is too harsh. But it would be great if you came. Seriously. You can reserve tickets at here, you know, if you want.

I love you,
Dave Hill

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

I Am Totally On MySpace

Oh yeah, I meant to mention this earlier, but I just wanted to let you know that I now totally have a page on the popular MySpace website. I am there for networking and boning. No, just kidding. But if you want to be MySpace friends with me, that would be so great. Just click here and we can totally make that sh*t happen. For those of you reading this who are already my MySpace friend, I just wanted to say that I think this is going really, really great. I mean, sure, we've had our ups and downs, but for the most part, well, I don't know...I guess I just wanted to say that I love you. A lot.

Dave Hill

Cuban Food 1, Dave 0

It is day 7 of my Los Angeles invasion and I have spent most of it in a lot of pain due to my decision to finish some Cuban food (which I originally got for lunch yesterday) while watching TV at 2 a.m. The place I got it from is Versailles, which is what I understand to be a popular Cuban restaurant (with 3 locations spread around town) here in scenic Los Angeles. I had driven past the restaurant many times before and was determined to eat there during this visit as I really love Cuban food. Anyway, I finally made it there for lunch yesterday. I ate by myself at a table next to some guy who was probably a nice enough guy, but- because he insisted on wearing dark wraparound sunglasses in the not-very-bright-at-all restaurant- I couldn’t help but assume was a major douchebag. He was sitting at a table with three other people. I wondered why none of them were like “Dude, you look like a major douchebag with your sunglasses on. You are embarrassing us. Please remove your sunglasses immediately or we are totally sitting at another table without you. Oh, and one more thing- fuck you.” Then again maybe he had some weird eye condition that required him to wear sunglasses at all times, especially while eating Cuban food. But I doubt it. I’m going with douchebag on this one.

I ended up having Versailles’ “famous garlic chicken,” which is a fried half chicken covered in garlic sauce and onions. It comes with rice and beans and plantains on the side. I tore into it for a while and it was pretty delicious. I impressed myself, however, by eating only half of the food in front of me and asking for a to-go container. Usually I just stuff my face until all food in front of me is totally gone. This is how I maintain my trademark rounded features.

Anyway, I experienced little to no side effects after initially digging into to this massive pile of Cuban food. I went about my business the rest of the day with no major health problems to speak of. I ran some errands, went to what I understand to Little Japan or something to do some window shopping and bubble tea drinking, and then went to the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre out here to host Harold Night and then watch some friends perform in their show the Human Giant. At no time during any of this was I doubled over in pain or rushing off to the bathroom for anything other than cosmetic reasons.

When I got home later that night I decided to finish off what was left of the Cuban food. It seemed like a really, really good idea. I even added more hot sauce than I had originally covered the food in at the restaurant. It was pretty delicious again and was the perfect companion to sitting their doing nothing at 2 o’clock in the morning.

At 8:30 this morning I was woken up by a phone call from someone on the East Coast who totally didn’t know I was sound asleep in Los Angeles apparently. That’s when the Cuban food made itself known to me in ways I would rather it had not. My chest started to burn, something I initially attributed to both second and firsthand smoke inhalation. Then while I was walking around the block talking on the phone, the Cuban food let it be known that it had plans for upsetting some of my other bodily functions. I finished my phone call and sprinted several blocks home for a moment of privacy. Most of my day since has been spent dealing with nastiness blasting out of both ends of my body. I’m just realizing how nasty this must sound and how you probably don’t want to read this. But I guess you’ve come this far, so why stop now? Anyway, my stomach is killing me and I think I need medical attention and/or a really good nap. It’s been raining like a mofo all day too, which is only aggravating things as not only has my ass been exploding all day but my hair looks like crap too. No justice, no peace.

I’m supposed to go have dinner with an old friend and a couple new ones in a little bit. I hope I can keep it together. When you haven’t seen someone in a few years, showing up and puking right away makes things really awkward and really tough to boune back from very easily.

Having just gone back and to reread all of the above, I am also realizing the Cuban food has robbed me of the ability of writing anything worthwhile whatsoever. Still, I thank you for reading this far. I guess I just had to get this out of my system (Get it? See how I pulled it all together in the end like that? Total pro.)

Dave Hill

Sunday, March 26, 2006

A Cautionary Tale

Here's something else I stumbled upon at the Farmer's Market here in Los Angeles. It's a headshot signed by that adorable little firecracker Hallie Kate Eisenberg, whom you might remember from a series of Pepsi commercials from a few years ago. Apparently she thinks this Scott Bennett's establishment where her photo hangs is the "bomb." But whatever happened to little Hallie Kate? I'll tell you what- she flew too close to the sun and she got burned. Dammit, this is a tough town.

Dave Hill

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Adorable Faces of Pork

Here is something I stumbled upon yesterday while grabbing a late lunch at the Farmer's Market out here in scenic and sunny Los Angeles where- clearly- anything goes. As best I can tell, these are mounds of sausage (mild and spicy, I'm guessing) formed into the shape of smiling pig faces. I always love it when meat products directly reference the animal from which they came. This here is quite a triumph in that department.

I am about step out to buy some new nunchuks and then maybe eat some lunch or some such thing. I will report again soon- and more in depth- from my "anything goes (within reason)" week or so out here in Los Angeles, Home of the Stars.

Dave Hill

Friday, March 24, 2006

Dio And Me

Here's a nice photo of me and heavy metal god Ronnie James Dio after my show at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in Los Angeles last night. Sold out show, fun times. And Ronnie rules so much it's not even f*cking funny. Nicest guy ever too. I generally try to avoid using the devil horns hand gesture unless it's absolutely necessary since people tend to wield it a little too freely in these times, but when you're with the guy who invented it, it just feels so...right. And in case you're wondering, the guitar reads "Dave Hill Rocks Magic- Ronnie James Dio." There are times when my life is pretty excellent. Thank you, Mr. Dio. You are the man.

Dave Hill

Thursday, March 23, 2006

New York Comic Con

Here is the first installment in an exciting new segment I like to call "What's Going On At The Javits Center?" I hope you enjoy it. And yes, that is me standing with Pete Scolari from the hit series "Bosom Buddies." Also, it works best if you let it load all the way first.

Dave Hill

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

The Dave Hill Explosion w/Ronnie James Dio and Kyle Gass TOMORROW at UCB L.A. Holy Sh*t!

Attention People of Los Angeles and/or People Who Know People of Los Angeles and Could Very Easily Forward This E-mail to Them:

This is your man Dave Hill writing to remind you one last time that this Thursday, March 23 at 8pm, I will be showing up at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre (located at 5919 Franklin Avenue, roughly 3.3 miles from the popular Red Balls clothing and lifestyle accessories store) for the West Coast debut of a half-hour or so of full-on asskicking that I like to call the Dave Hill Explosion. It is going to be so great for like 500 different reasons. For example, I am going to talk, sing, dance, think, clap, read, stop, start, jump up and down, and just sort of generally entertain for a little while. So there is that. Then I will keep the excitement coming by bringing out my first guest of the evening, the inimitable Kyle Gass from Tenacious D. And then- just when you think things cannot get any more incredible- I am going to unleash a super secret surprise guest on everybody who just so happens to be heavy metal god Ronnie James Dio. Reread that last sentence if you have to. I will wait. Anyway, you should totally come. The awesome Trev and the Rev (Seth Morris and Brian Huskey) will also be tearing it up. The mayhem begins at 8pm sharp, so show up on time if you want to be a part of this evening of light and magic. And be sure to try the popcorn shrimp.* You seem really nice. Hope to see you Thursday. You can reserve tickets here. Okay, great.

I love you,
Dave Hill

Here are some fun videos for you to watch:
Fun Video
Even More Fun Video

*There is no popcorn shrimp. That was a hilarious joke I just made up on the spot.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

The Dave Hill Explosion In Review- March 15th Edition

Thanks to all the nice folks who come out for the Dave Hill Explosion this past Wednesday. It was a sold out show at the UCB Theatre and it was- as far as I can tell anyway- good times had by all. Some nice lady even gave me some delicious chocolate after the show. I have the feeling she may have brough it for Martha Wainwright and then gave it to me after Martha declined, but I could be wrong about that one. Anyway, it was delicious. Thank you mystery chocolate-giving lady. Also, thanks to the Apiary for these nice photos of my guests Martha Wainwright, Moby, and Little Michael Jackson (who is easily one of the best Latino dwarf Michael Jackson impersonators I have ever witnessed firsthand).

Dave Hill

Saturday, March 18, 2006


Friday, March 10, 2006

The Dave Hill Explosion: Wed. March 15 at UCB Theatre w/Special Guest DICK CAVETT

Attention People Of New York City:

This is your man Dave Hill writing to let you know that on Wednesday, March 15 at 9:30pm, I will once again be bringing it like a motherf#%ker in the form of a little show I like to call The Dave Hill Explosion at a little place I like to call the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre (which, to be fair, is what others call it too). My guest for this show will be none other than showbiz legend Dick Cavett. If you happen to be a fan of ancient history, you no doubt noticed that my show will be taking place on the Ides of March, the very day Julius Caesar was assassinated in 44 B.C. by a handful of people who were pretty much tired of his bullsh*t. According to the Roman writer Plutarch, Caesar had been given a heads up on the danger but chose to ignore it. Now he has a casino, a salad, and even a bad haircut named after him. What does this all mean to you, me, and the rest of our society at large? I am not exactly sure. But keep in mind that Caesar was one of the great leaders of the Roman Empire, a society of asskickers whose innovations in architecture, public administration, and even the modern calendar are still in use to this day. Not bad for a bunch of guys walking around in bedsheets. Think about that next time you are d*cking around at the office in one of your fancy little outfits. Anyway, I guess what I am trying to say is that you should totally come to my show. I am going to be talking, singing, reading, dancing, showing a couple new short films (here is one from the last show you might enjoy:, interviewing showbiz legend Dick Cavett, and doing all that other stuff that has made me pretty much the wealthiest man in my apartment building (though the guy on three seems to be getting back on his feet). I seriously hope you can make it. In fact, if you are feeling really saucy, you can reserve tickets here.

Dave Hill

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Dancing Queen

This past Saturday I touched lives again in my role as dancer for Jerzee's own Satanicide. It was good times. Still not sure who the bald dude to the left is though.

Dave Hill

Friday, March 03, 2006

F*cking Sweet Bags

As many of you are undoubtedly aware, I pretty much rule when it comes to fashion. And while I don’t have much use for ladies’ bags myself, I know a f*cking sweet bag when I see it. To that end, I would encourage you to check out Ryanbags, designed by my friend Ryan and manufactured by- at least to my understanding- gnomes in a factory somewhere in Hell’s Kitchen. Anyway, that’s Taea modelling one of Ryan’s bag above. See how it looks like she is totally just hanging out and having a great time talking on the phone and whatnot? Yeah- well that’s because she’s got that f*cking sweet bag sitting right next to her. Anyway, it’s not like Ryan needs the business or anything because she’s pretty much the queen of the bag industry at the moment, but you should go buy one of those f*ckers now anyway. Do it for yourself or someone you love. Manbags are coming soon and I am all over that sh*t.

Okay, that is my plug for the day. I meant to mention it sooner but I’ve just had so much other stuff to talk about, what with Don Knotts dying and it being Gavin McLeod’s birthday last week and all.

Dave Hill

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Yesterday In Review

Yesterday I bought a box of Lucky Charms, one of the popular cereals of my youth. I treat myself to a box of the sugary and delicious breakfast snack every few months or so with the idea that I will have a bowl “every once in a while.” As soon as I get the box home, however, I tend to eat about three bowls a day until it’s entirely gone (this usually take about one and a half days). Anyway, I guess Lucky Charms are popular for a reason. And while I was initially weary of the advancements made with the various colored marshmallows that come in the cereal (they are multicolored now instead of each individual marshmallow just being one solid color- purple moons, green clovers, pink hearts, yellow stars, etc.), I am now totally into them. I can’t really identify any of the flavors I am tasting as something that might occur in nature, but I do know delicious when I taste it so I just keep on shovelling it in. I think I will balance things out by eating nothing but sugarless bran cereal all next week or something. Or maybe I’ll just get Cocoa Krispies. Tough call. I will keep you updated on these and other events.

In other news, last night I performed with my friend Walter Schreifels and Spanky Van Dyke at 323 West Broadway, a happening nightspot run by my friend and fellow Cleveland Height youth hockey player, Charlie. It was good times. I got the night started by coming on stage and reading one of my exciting poems and then showing a couple videos on a big screen, specifically the fashion week video mentioned in a previous entry and my world not-so-famous pug video. I’d never done my comedy type stuff at a music show before (though I realize it is quite the trendy thing to do these days), so I wasn’t sure what to expect in terms of the Me vs. The Crowd dynamic. People seemed to dig it though and I wasn’t pelted with anything, so I am putting it in the win column for now.

After I finished generally entertaining, Spanky Van Dyke rocked the people with a acoustic guitar and harmonica and people- myself included- were digging that shit. He’s got some solid-ass tunes.

The main event of the evening, of course, was Walter rocking the people in the solo acoustic format. By the time he went on, the place was jam-packed with all sorts of folks ready to have their asses rocked. Walter delivered too, playing in the neighborhood of twenty songs, including some new solo stuff and songs from his many bands- Walking Concert, Rival Schools, Quicksand, and Gorilla Biscuits. He played an awesome show and good times were had by all. I’m heading to Europe to tour with Walter for a couple weeks in March, so if you happen to live over there, prepare to get kicked in the nuts and/or other vulnerable region.

Okay, time for crunch class.

Dave Hill