Friday, October 31, 2008

A Couple Things Of Note And Stuff

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Here are a couple things worth mentioning. I mean, hey, why not? Anyway, for starters, my latest Fashion Week video is and/or was on the Funny Or Die homepage today. You can also watch it above.

In other news, here is a video of my new soulmate Lucy Lawless talking about being on my Dave Hill Explosion show in Los Angeles last week. Lucy seems a little wiped out in this video, but still her excitement over the whole thing we've got going between us now is barely containable. Though we haven't yet discussed it, I'm 98-99% certain we will be spending Thanksgiving together this year.

Dave Hill

Thursday, October 30, 2008

My British Invasion: Updated Like A Motherf@%ker

Attention People Of London (Or People Who Might Totally Know People Of London And Could Tell Them About All This):

Hello. This is your man Dave Hill writing to let you know that- as rumoured (please note my embrace of the British spelling- I am on your side) in the Scandinavian press- I am totally coming to your town for nine straight days of nonstop entertainment (which is to say me delivering entertainment to you, the people of London, not the other way around, though I am open to it) in the form of six shows in which I will command the stage for somewhere in the neighborhood of 15 to 30 minutes at a time (subject to change and/or other factors even I'm not sure I can handle). I know what you are thinking right now and- trust me on this one- I am pretty excited about this whole thing too. According to public records, I am roughly 10 to 35 percent English by blood and I have the hair and outfits to prove it. Needless to say, my triumphant return to my ancestral homeland to give the people of London the full-on entertainment asskicking (I mean this in a good way. It is a good asskicking. Also, I am wondering if I mean to say arsekicking in this case. Please advise) they deserve is probably the greatest thing that has ever happened to me or anyone else in my entire extended family, including my uncle Phil, the infamous minor league baseball great who remains a burden to the Florida state court system to this day. And not to get all political here or anything, but if McCain wins next week I am not leaving your country so we (which is to say you and me) really need to make things work. I think your food is delicious and- let's face it- you guys sound smarter than us Americans when you talk. Please come to one or all of my London shows and I promise I will do my damnedest to get Hong Kong back for you guys as my part of the deal. I'm not sure how we let that one slip away in the first place. Based on snacks alone, it was totally worth keeping. Anyway, I really hope you can come to one, some, most, or all of my shows next week. It is going to be an incredible experience for everyone involved (which is my way of saying I am bringing my artificial snow machine, customs be damned). I have pasted my complete schedule just a couple lines below the sentence I am typing right now:

Nov. 1- 100 Club 7:30pm
The Fix show featuring acts John Shuttleworth, Tim Key, Pappy’s Fun Club, and me, Dave Hill, mentioned earlier.

Nov. 3- Wilmington Arms 8pm
New comedy night that I don’t know the name of but am still confident will be incredible.

Nov. 4- Belushi's Bar 8:30pm
Falling Down With Laughter show, also incredible.

Nov. 5- Fitzroy Tavern 8:30pm
Pear Shaped Comedy, seriously incredible and also pear-shaped as I understand it.

Nov. 6- Haven Pub 8:30pm
The Comedy Haven, so incredible that it's actually kind of ridiculous.

Nov. 9- Hen and Chickens Theatre 9pm
Dual show with the great Bishop and Douch, pronounced differently than I would otherwise prefer.

More elaborate details can be found on my MySpace page. If you come to a show I will buy you a glass of something afterwards.

Dave Hill

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Valley Lodge Rock Show TONIGHT At Bar 9

Hi there,

Just a quick reminder that my seriously good rock band Valley Lodge will be breaking out the hits at Bar 9 (807 9th Avenue between 53rd and 54th Streets in scenic Hell's Kitchen) at 8:30pm TONIGHT. The great Mad Larry (ex-Bogmen guys) will be rocking right after us. Don't miss this rare opportunity to see us play in a venue that serves nachos and other reasonably priced, cheese-themed snacks. It's wet outside, but the Valley Lodge rock will make you even wetter. Wait, that's gross. Sorry. Anyway, come tonight and we'll talk it out after the show. We will playing all the old hits plus some of the new hits from our forthcoming, obscure second album and also our current Japanese debut (currently available with exciting new artwork and some Japanese writing and stuff right here. I'm not saying you should buy our Japanese album (though you are welcome to), but I would like to point out how we totally have a half-naked chick on the cover and there's nothing my parents can do about it.

Dave Hill

Monday, October 27, 2008

The Battle Of Los Angeles

Today, I write to you from a Whole Foods in Venice, California. I can’t decide yet whether Whole Foods is evil (not enough data), though I can confirm that many of their offerings are sinfully delicious (See how I did that?). My guess is that Whole Foods is probably bad. But they have free wireless and I am hungry and needed to get out of the house for a bit, so it won because it is right near where I am staying and I have promised myself I won’t go to that placed called Cock ‘n Bull again until after sundown.

Speaking of bad, I just ate a bunch of sushi-to-go (which is to say sushi that comes in a plastic container and sits there for a really long time until someone like me decides they need to eat it as quickly as possible). It’s Monday and I am just sort of/kind of remembering that it’s bad to eat sushi on Monday (something about it being the day after Sunday, when fresh fish is not delivered or caught or something). Anyway, the sushi was not so good though ultimately served its purpose of making me not think about eating anymore. It is kind of making me thinkg about puking now, but that is something for another entry altogether. For now, I will focus on drinking liquids and counting on the can-do attitude of my immune system to get me through.

Tonight is my last night here in Los Angeles. I get up at an absurdly early hour tomorrow morning and wing it (which is to say fly on a plane) back to NYC for a couple days before heading off to London for a bit (which is to say ten days). I’m not sure what it is about travel that is so exhausting, but somehow it is, even though so much of it seems to involve just sitting there while some mode of transportation or another takes you someplace where you will probably have snacks and slightly too much to drink. I am tired from the past week and getting even more tired thinking about the next couple weeks to come. And I am boring even myself just typing about it. And I need more snacks.

My trip to Los Angeles has been pretty. I have done a bunch of shows- my lovely friend Tig Notaro’s Largo show, my own Explosion show at the UCB Theatre out here, the Tomorrow Show at the Steve Allen Theatre (that’s a bust of Steve above. Someday it- or at least an exact replica- will sit on the mantle in my really expensive and easy-to-get-lost-in home somewhere), Ali Waller’s Sunday night show at Molly Malone’s, and tonight’s “What’s Up, Tiger Lily?” show at the Cuba Libre bar (which- to be fair- still exists in the future). Given some extreme digestive problems I have been battling during my stay, most of the shows so far have involved me just trying to get through things without a major pants-changing incident being thrown into the mix. Thanks to the sushi I just ate, the problem is likely to continue or- at the very least- be something I keep thinking about too much. I pretty much don’t learn things, generally speaking.

Of note during my visit this week is that this past Saturday I attended my first ever roller derby. It was pretty fun but also pretty much exactly as I expected- punk rock-ish girls skating in a circle, trying not to fall down, and shoving each other around from time to time. All in all, not a bad way to spend a Saturday. Next time I will bring the whole family and every so often point at one of the girls on the track and say “That one! That’s the one I really think would understand me!”

This morning, I had coffee at a popular coffee spot here in Venice where I have been going pretty much every morning during my Los Angeles invasion. This time around I decided to sit outside and drink my coffee with the regulars. It was there that I found myself completely annoyed by some guy attempting to impart wisdom about “pain” in its many forms and then talking at length to someone else’s dog. I can’t stand it when people try to communicate with and/or entertain adult humans around them by talking to an animal and/or pre-verbal child at length. I can handle a “You’re such a cutey! Yes you are!” or “You want the ball, don’t ya?!” (both accetpable things to say to dogs and small children) from time to time, but beyond that I really need people to shut the hell up on this front, at least when I am around and haven’t yet had my coffee anyway. Most of the time, the real message in these situations seems to be “Look at how thoughtful I am in talking to this animal that has no idea what I am saying. Will you make out with me?” Or something like that anyway. Then again, I realize the problem here might actually be me. I am starting with the man in the mirror. I’m asking him to change his ways. Oh, I also hate that version of Tom Petty’s “Free Fallin’” as song by John Mayer that I just heard on the radio. What the F? Why take a perfectly good song, slow it down, and sing it like a total pussy? It doesn’t make it better. It makes me want to stab him.

Okay, I will stop whining and get back to talking about myself some more. I am up on the HBO Boxing home page today. You can see it right here. And here is something to make everything right with the world once more. I guess I would try to talk to this guy too.

Oh, and here is another picture of me and Lucy Lawless really enjoying each other's company. You ever just know when something feels...right?

Dave Hill

Friday, October 24, 2008

Roy Jones And Joe Calzaghe Are Totally Gonna Get In A Fight

Are you a boxing expert? Me neither. That's why HBO hired me to interview boxers Joe Calzaghe and Roy Jones before their big boxing match at Madison Square Garden on November 8, which is going to be on HBO pay-per-view. I am happy neither one of them kicked my ass (too much). I hope you like these videos a whole bunch.

Dave Hill

Thursday, October 23, 2008

¡Explosion Dé Los Angeles!

I can't go into too much detail right now, but the Explosion here in Los Angeles (where I totally am right now) was pretty explosive, as evidenced by this photo of me and the most important person in my life right now, Lucy Lawless. She was great and we really "get each other." Loudon Wainwright III, who played two great songs- one about California, one about Florida- was amazing too, though- for the record- at no point did we come close to making out (though I do have great admiration for the man). Full report and more photos coming soon.

Dave Hill

Monday, October 20, 2008

Dave Hill's L.A. Explosion w/Loudon Wainwright III + Lucy Lawless TOMORROW, Tuesday, October 21 At UCBT LA

Attention People of Los Angeles (And Also People Who Might Totally Know People of Los Angeles):

Hello. Must type fast. Losing blood quickly. Anyway, this is your man Dave Hill writing to remind you one last time that TOMORROW night, which to say Tuesday, October 21 at 10:30pm, I will be exploding like a motherf#@ker all over again over there at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in Hollywood. If you see just one thing that is explosive in nature tomorrow night, you should totally see my show because it is going to be incredible to the point where it makes all other things previously thought to be incredible to suddenly seem, like, not really all that incredible if you think about it (with the exception of Olympic figure skating great Oksana Baiul's gold medal-winning performace at the 1994 Winter Olympics, something we still talk about to this day). My guests on the show tomorrow night will be actress/singer Lucy Lawless, whom you no doubt remember from such programs as "Xena: Warrior Princess," "Battlestar Galactica," and a ton of other programs besides those ones I just mentioned; and also singer/songwriter/actor/man-about-town Loudon Wainwright III, whom you no doubt remember from the radio and also the popular films "The Aviator," "40 Year-Old Virgin," and "Knocked Up." There will also be snacks, fire, small animals, knives, smoke, and dancing. I really hope you can make it. You can get tickets right here.

Dave Hill

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Night Sharks, Explosions, And Other Topics

It’s been an action-packed past couple weeks. I’ll get into all of that stuff in a second, but before that I would like to urge you to watch the f@#k out of the video above, which is a futuristic music video for the Children of the Unicorn (AKA one of my scorching hot rock bands) song “Night Shark.” It pretty much has everything. Thanks to the fine folks at Disposable Television for making the whole thing a sharkriffic reality. I hope you enjoy it so much.

Okay, now back to the action-packed past couple weeks. This past Thursday, I did my world-famous Dave Hill Explosion show over there at the UCB Theatre in Chelsea. As Explosions go, I felt a bit off my game (whatever that is) but I had fun time with my excellent guests Moby and Walter Schreifels, who did renditions of Kansas’s “Dust in the Wind” and Gorilla Biscuits “Cats and Dogs” respectively. My usual sidebitch Phil was off rocking somewhere in Massachusetts with his heavy metal tribute to the Bee Gees, Tragedy, so I got my friend Doug Gillard (a/k/a guitar player for Guided by Voices) to sit in on the action as my one-man house band. He nailed that shit. Brooklyn Vegan did a nice writeup of the show here and even Moby himself blogged about it right here. And as long as we’re on the topic, I have to give praise to Moby for his new “cock saddle” mustache. It’s pretty solid.

The week before this past week, I broke out my first-ever Philadelphia Explosion, which- while poorly attended due to the Phillies being the playoffs that night, Yom Kippur ending that night, and my general lack of popularity in that town in general- was still relatively explosive. My guests that night, Adam Gertler from the Food Network’s new show “Will Work For Food” and rocking rock band the Capitol Years, were great. It is only a matter of time before I completely rule that town. I can feel it, dammit, like, for real. Twelve Philadelphians can’t be wrong.

After invading Philadelphia, I headed on down to DC for more good times. It was there that I spotted the car above, which is arguably the most birdshit-covered car I have ever seen in the new millennium (there was an incident in ‘86).

Another impressive sight in DC was the sign above that I spotted in front of a restaurant in Chinatown. Apparently it’s a positive review of the restaurant in the Washington, DC City Paper. I like how they included the cover of the issue the review was in and how it says “Nice Ass!” real big. Now that’s how you sell noodles.

Okay, I am about to have a seizure induced from sleep deprivation and too much adult beverages. Nap time for Dave. I love you.

Dave Hill

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Schooling Testament Fans On Matters Of Metal

A while back I went and hung out with fans waiting to go see Testament at B.B. King's in Times Square for Metal Injection, the popular Internet website dedicated to matters of metal. Here are some of the highlights/lowlights. I hope you enjoy it so much.

Dave Hill

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

My British Invasion + Bishop And Douch

As rumored on the Internet, this November I will be invading the United Kingdom for the first time in the form of me totally hanging out in London for a week and doing some shows around town. My first show is November 1 at the 100 Club and it should be electric. You can get details here. If you live anywhere in Europe, you should totally come or I will cut myself.

I am doing a bunch of other shows in London, all of which are listed on my futuristic MySpace page. My last show of my week-long (or so) invasion of the UK is November 9 and is a dual show with boy geniuses Bishop and Douch, who are so British a lot of times I have no idea what they are saying. And it should be noted that my British invasion would not have been possible without them as they have totally held my hand through the whole process so far (not in a gay way. Geez! Why are you jumping to conclusions here?). Our show together at the Hen and Chickens Theatre on November 9 is already sold out like a motherfucker, like, for real. To get a taste of the Bishop and Douch magic, watch the following videos (really one video split up into four parts), some of which feature my lovely and talented friends John Mulaney, Kristen Schaal, and Kurt Braunhohler. Watch the fuck out of them right now:

Dave Hill

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

The Dave Hill Explosion w/Moby + Walter Schreifels + Doug Gillard THIS THURSDAY at UCB

Attention People of New York City:

Hello. This is your man Dave Hill with something you will never see coming. I am doing my seriously good Dave Hill Explosion show again. I know, I know- just let that sink in for a second. Okay, now let's keep moving. Anyway, the Explosion I make reference to is happening THIS THURSDAY, October 16, at 9:30pm at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre, the same place I pretty much always do it but for purposes of clarity I am mentioning here all over again as is my wont. As I sit here this morning, half-cocked on gimlets, reeking of camphor, and covered from head to toe in duct tape residue, I am reminded that sometimes in life you just have to go for it, which is exactly what I intend to do this Thursday when I explode like a motherf#@ker at my explosive Explosion show. Talk about good times- I have pretty much nailed it this time around, so much in fact that this Explosion is going to make all the other ones look like I was just practicing, not unlike a great Samurai warrior (a kind of warrior that practiced warrior stuff all the time until he was so good at being a warrior that it was actually kind of ridiculous). The Samurai felt that the path of the warrior was one of honor and I simply could not agree more. That is still not going to stop me from taking my shirt off during my show though. You paid five bucks- you deserve a show. Anyway, I really hope you can make it this Thursday. Joining me on the show for a record third time is none other than musician, DJ, and tea magnate Moby as well as singer/songwriter/rock warrior Walter Schreifels, whom you no doubt know from such legendary New York bands as Gorilla Biscuits, Youth of Today, Quicksand, Rival Schools, Walking Concert and probably some other bands I do not even know about. Filling in for my irreplaceable and irascible sibebitch Phil, who is away fulfilling community service hours but will be back soon unless the DA can come up with the prints, will be Mr. Doug Gillard, whom you no doubt know from the popular rock band Guided by Voices. All of this for just five bucks and whatever falls out of your pockets. You can get tickets right here.

Dave Hill

Saturday, October 11, 2008

That Thing That Holds The Soap Fell Down Again

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Valle​y Lodge​:​ TONIG​HT at Mercu​ry Loung​e

Hi there​,​​

This is your man Dave Hill writi​ng to remin​d you one last time that if you are into seein​g/​​heari​ng three​ sligh​tly older​ yet highl​y bonea​ble guys play loud and rocki​ng rock music​,​​ then you have just hit a stree​t calle​d Easy becau​se TONIG​HT at 7:​​30ish​pm at the Mercu​ry Loung​e my rocki​ng rock band Valle​y Lodge​ will be rocki​ng you, rocki​ng you so much,​​ like a gentl​e embra​ce and a bit of the rough​ stuff​ all rolle​d into one and makin​g you serio​usly think​ about​ calli​ng in sick to work tomor​row and/​​or askin​g your roomm​ate not to come home tonig​ht becau​se you reall​y need the place​ all to yours​elf (for inter​cours​e!​​)​​.​​ And just in case you are not entir​ely convi​nced of my band'​​s unsto​ppabl​e unsto​ppabi​lity by what I have to say here in these​ e-​​mails​,​​ check​ out this music​ blog that calls​ our debut​ album​ one of the TOP 5 Power​ Pop album​s of all-​​time. Norma​lly I like to call bulls​h*​​t on anyth​ing anyon​e says on the Inter​net,​​ but since​ the rest of the picks​ on this list are compl​etely​ reaso​nable​,​​ I am incli​ned to think​ this write​r is entir​ely corre​ct and that our debut​ album​ is in fact perfe​ct.​​ Anywa​y,​​ I reall​y hope you can make it tonig​ht.​​ There​ is anoth​er great​ band calle​d Stuyv​esant​ going​ on befor​e us at 6:​​30pmi​sh.​​ Come out tonig​ht and do your part in makin​g Thurs​day (the new Frida​y)​​ Wedne​sday'​​s bitch​.​​ Tonig​ht is Wedne​sday thoug​h,​​ just to clari​fy.​​

Dave Hill

Friday, October 03, 2008

My Guide To Voting On The Sundance Channel

Hi there. Recently I made some videos for the Sundance Channel on how to vote in the upcoming election. The first video is above. The rest you can see right here. I hope you enjoy them. The one thing missing from these videos though is the part where I tell you to vote for Barack Obama, so I am telling you now: Vote for Barack Obama or I will stab you and me.

Dave Hill

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Steve Guttenberg And I Ride An Elevator + Carolyn Monastra's Excellent Photography

Here is another excitement installation of my ongoing web-type thing I have been doing for New York Magazine. This time around I am riding the elevator with Mister Steve Guttenberg, one of the nicest and fun-to-be-around show business professionals I have ever met. I hope you enjoy it a whole bunch.

In other news, my friend Carolyn Monastra is an excellent photographer and now she totally has a website. Go look at it right now or I will freak out. She took the picture above. I can't believe no one yelled at that girl for messing up the course like that.

Dave Hill

Valley Lodge: Rocking You, Others Wednesday, October 8th At Mercury Lounge

Attention People of New York City:

Watch out for your nuts and/or general private region because this Wednesday, October 8 at 7:30pm (with some wiggle room), my f#@kin’ rock band Valley Lodge is gonna be f@%kin’ rocking and stuff at the Mercury Lounge over there on Houston. This is an early show so as to leave time for hanging and banging with the band and stuff after the rock show, which is awesome. Of particular excitement this time around is the fact that this show vaguely corresponds with the release of our first album in Japan, something I am not even making up. You can find evidence of the whole thing right here, like, for real. As you can probably imagine, we (meaning my f#%kin’ rock band Valley Lodge) are considered geniuses in Japan. We are also considered to be pretty tall over there, a joke referencing the disparity between average adult male heights in the United States and Japan (5’10” and 5’7” respectively). Speaking of our Japanese invasion, the photo above is of the cover of our Japanese album. We decided to have a half-naked chick on the cover for this version because the odds of my mom ever seeing it are pretty slim so I figured we might as well go for it. Am I right or am I right? If someone would have told the 13 year-old me that one day I would be in a rock band that has an album out in Japan with a half-naked chick on the cover I would have told them to get out of the basement. Then I would get back to trying to descramble the pay channels on the cable box. Speaking of which, I remember one weekend the cable company gave everyone free Showtime for the weekend and they played “Body Heat” like five times. It was awesome. Lawrence Kasdan's first directorial effort is a throwback to the early days of film noir. The scene is a beastly hot Florida coastal town, where naive attorney Ned (William Hurt) is entranced by the alluring Matty (Kathleen Turner in her film debut). Ned is manipulated into killing Matty's much older husband (Richard Crenna), the plan being that Ned's knowledge of legal matters will enable both conspirators to escape scott-free. This might have been the case, had not Matty been infinitely craftier than the cloddish Ned. Just when it seems as though the film has run out of plot twists, we're handed yet another surprise.

Anyway, I really hope you can make it to the show next week. We are seriously good at rocking. You can hear it for yourself right here. Also, another excellent band is playing right before us at 6:30ish. They are called Stuyvesant and are all the way from New Jersey. Why not make a night of it? If everything goes as planned you could make it home in time for your programs. And if you come to the show and don’t have a nice time you can wind up and kick me in the nuts. F it.

Heading out to the highway,
Dave Hill

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

This Moment In Yngwie

Sometimes when I'm feeling down, all I need to do is watch Yngwie J. Malmsteen do a little shredding and suddenly everything is back in perspective. If I could play like him I would probably never leave the house. But if I had hair like him I would leave the house as much as possible. That's not the sort of hair you keep to yourself. It says it right there in the Bible.

Dave Hill