Osama Bin Laden (The Elephant)

Yesterday, I read a story on the Internet about an elephant in scenic India who had gained a reputation around town for being a total dick to pretty much everyone in his entire neighborhood. He ran all over the place crushing houses, trampling people to the point where they were dead or seriously close to being dead, and just sort of making a mess of things in general to the point where the people of India were so tired of his bullshit that it was not even fucking funny.

Usually when I’m sitting around thinking about elephants, I imagine fun-loving animals who just like to hang out and eat peanuts, solve simple math equations, and occasionally get dressed up in a suit and visit Paris, France in hopes that they might one day return home and dazzle their fellow elephants with tales of their wild nights on the town. This particular elephant, however, didn’t seem to be into any of that crap as best I can tell. Instead, he spent most of his time terrorizing the people of India so much that they decided to name him Osama Bin Laden, which is a reference to the world-famous al-Qaeda leader of the same name who is so often associated with the popular September 11th holiday.

According to the story I read on the Internet, Osama Bin Laden (the elephant, not the wel-known extremist whom we tend to think of first when we hear the name Osama bin Laden) was ten feet tall, approximately 45-50 years old, and generally kept to himself when not destroying houses and/or trampling people. Osama bin Laden the elephant was also reportedly not afraid of fire or firecrackers, which I’m guessing everyone had to find out the hard way.

Being a really big elephant and all, Osama bin Laden could travel very long distances in a single day on account of his long legs and the overall joie de vivre that we so often associate with the elephant lifestyle. Despite being a really big elephant, however, Osama bin Laden was also really good at hiding in forests and other areas populated with a reasonable amount of large, elephant-hiding plants. As a result of all of this stuff, he was often hard to find whenever people went looking for him, which is just one more thing Osama bin Laden the elephant had in common with the other, arguably more popular Osama bin Laden that we still talk about to this day.

As illustrated in the popular films Shrek and Shrek II, it seems in life that whenever a plus-sized, misunderstood creature of any sort takes up residence on the outskirts of town, people tend to freak out and chase after him in large, often unruly mobs of people, some of whom have long beards. And this is exactly the sort of thing that happened to Osama bin Laden the elephant, which is where the story gets kind of sad and not so much elephantriffic anymore.

Last week, the elusive Osama bin Laden (the elephant, not the notorious Saudi, Arabian mentioned earlier) was shot and killed by the people of his town in an effort to make sure that he doesn’t destroy any more houses and/or trample any more people to the point where they are dead or seriously close to being dead. The joke is on them though as it turns out that- according to a handful of elephant experts consulted on the incident- whenever an elephant is killed by a human, the other elephants from his herd tend to exact revenge on pretty much every human in sight. I have never witnessed such a thing but I can’t help but think that it is a negative experience for most if not everyone involved. Anyway, it all just goes to show you- never mess with an elephant because when you mess with one elephant you have just gone and messed with a whole shitload of elephants and then you are fucked big time so don’t even think about it. Dammit.

Dave Hill

Dave's Behind-The-Curve Music Recommendation For December 2006: Midlake

Most Internet music types seemed to be hip to the band Midlake and their excellent song "Roscoe" a year or more ago, but since I'm generally too busy taking over the world and stuff to notice much that doesn't have anything directly to do with me, I just found out about it a couple weeks ago. The way it went down was I was telling a friend about how I'd been obsessed lately with Fleetwood Mac, the Eagles, and any other band that wrote great songs, played acoustic guitars, and snorted tons of cocaine in the '70's and he was all like "You should check out Midlake." And then he totally sent me a link to the song "Roscoe," which you will find here. I checked that shit out and was all into it and shit. Maybe you will be too. Also, extra points go to the band for having a couple of dudes in sweet costumes on their album cover. I am so into that shit it's not even fucking funny. Motherfucker's wearing a velvet coat and a panther head. That's the way to do it.

Dave Hill

I Feel Bad

The Godfather of Soul
Soul Brother Number One
Mr. Dynamite
The Hardest-Working Man in Show Business
Minister of The New New Super Heavy Funk
Mr. Please Please Please
James Brown
1933-2006

Dave Hill

Merry Christmas (One Day Late)

As hinted at in the title of this entry, I am totally wishing you a Merry Christmas. However, I am one day late for reasons hinted at in this excellent piece by my friend Mike Albo in the Sunday edition of the popular newspaper the New York Times. I hope you enjoy it so much. And if you are English or Canadian, I hope you are having an incredible Boxing Day. I'm not sure what goes on, but it sounds really great.

Dave Hill

Tonight! Tonight! Tonight!

This is kind of last minute (as in tonight), but I am doing this sure-to-be-excellent show tonight at Galapagos in scenic Williamsburg tonight. They already made the flyer before I ended up being on the bill so that is why my name is totally not on it, but that shouldn’t stop you from taking my word on it that I am totally a part of this show tonight. Some of my favorite performers in North America are also a part of the show (which is called Occurrence), including Reggie Watts, Kristen Schaal, and Mike Daisey and then also a bunch of other excellent performers besides them whose names are totally on the flyer above. Anyway, so there is that. If you are around or something tonight, totally swing by and have a fun time and say hello and whatnot. Talk about fun- this is an example of that.

Dave Hill

Assorted Sweetness

I have been back in New York City for approximately 40 hours and so far it has been pretty great. Admittedly, I have probably slept about 1/3 of that time, but even then I was totally kicking ass without even trying.

For some reason I have been obsessed with the song “Year Of The Cat” by Glaswegian singer/songwriter Al Stewart even since I got back. I have listened to it probably twenty times since I’ve come back to the Big City. It was a big hit for Al back in 1976 and with good reason- aside from being an awesome song in general, it is one of the only songs I can think of off the top of my head that features both an acoustic and electric guitar solo, a piano solo, and a saxophone solo. I suggest you seek it out and listen to it over and over again today. It rules so much it’s not even fucking funny. Nice work, Al.

In other news, last night I went and showed some of my futuristic videos at Ash Wednesday, the popular comedic show that goes on every Wednesday at the Magnet Theater here in town. Ash Wednesday is one of the first shows I ever did here in New York City and I always have good times whenever they have me on. You should totally go to the show sometime, dammit. Chris, Rachel, and Stan (the Ash Wednesday folks) are super funny people and super nice too.

The night before last I went to see my friend Kristen Schaal, the popular star of stage and screen, perform with her futuristic children’s theatre group the Striking Viking Story Pirates. They perform stories written by small children. You might think that sounds like something you might want to run in the other direction away from immediately, but it was totally awesome and inspiring and super funny. My favorite part was a video they made for a song about sleepovers. It pretty much changed my life. I hope I get to see it again and again someday soon.

At the show, I ran into my friend Reggie, who is a super-talented performer and musician with pretty much the best hair I’ve seen in a long, long time. When the show was finished, Reggie, Kristen, and I jumped on the A train downtown to go to a bar that Kristen was all fired up about and with good reason because it was good times and they gave us lots of free peanuts, which we were all pretty happy about, so much in fact that I am still thinking about it two days later. That is a picture of Reggie, Kristen, and me totally riding the fuck out of the subway above. We were so awesome at riding that fucking subway that motherfuckers could not even handle that shit. Shit, fuck, piss, damn.

Once we got off the subway, we headed over to the bar referenced in the previous paragraph and totally talked and laughed and drank and ate peanuts. Then we left and Kristen got on the subway. Reggie and I walked a couple blocks and ran into a homeless guy named Juan who told us a fun story about getting locked inside a grocery store overnight and eating all the sandwiches he could handle. It was not unlike the popular film “Adventures In Babysitting” only a lot more cold cut-related.

Dave Hill

Being Sweet In General

Look, it’s not like I want to make a big deal about it or anything, but there is an exciting photo and quote from me in today’s edition of the popular newspaper, the New York Times. Yeah, I know it’s pretty incredible. You can check out the whole thing here if you are so inclined. Or you can just get a taste of the magic by staring at the photo above for a reasonable amount of time and then just get back to whatever it was that you were doing before you started sitting there reading this.

Dave Hill

Escape From Miami

As hinted at in the title of this entry, I have returned from scenic Miami and am now totally sitting here typing in rainy New York City. I have finally finished taping my soon-to-be wildly popular program “The King of Miami with Dave Hill,” which- as mentioned previously- will be appearing on the futuristic INHD high-definition television network. The folks are pretty excited about it, even though they don’t have cable or a high-definition television. Actually, come to think of it, I am not really sure whether they are excited about it or not. I will have to run a check on that. I am excited though. I guess that's what matters in this particular situation.

Yesterday, my last day in Miami, I set my alarm to get up really early (8am! Can you imagine? It was like I was Amish or something!) and go swimming in the ocean. I don’t normally submerge myself in large quantities of water, so it was pretty exciting for me. I was the only one in the water aside from the seagulls and whatever sea creatures may have been lurking around plotting my death.

Before I went in the water I happened upon what I thought to be a a used blue condom sitting on the shore. “Someone has literally been having ‘sex on the beach,’ not unlike the popular beverage of the same name favored by college girls and other people who aren’t exactly opposed the idea of good times all the time,” I thought to myself. As it turned out however, the used blue condom was actually a dead jellyfish or something. I figured this out after I discovered about 50 other similar looking things washed up on the shore. I am like a detective or something the way I piece things together. I even kicked at the dead jellyfish with my shoe for a second, not out of spite but just more for research purposes. It was pretty incredible for me and- I’m guessing- the seagulls too.

After swimming in the ocean, Phil and I headed to the airport and totally got on a plane headed back to New York. That is a picture of me totally just sitting there in the plane waiting to take off at the top of this entry. As you can probably tell by the expression on my face, I am a guy who is completely comfortable with flight and the possibility of a stranger handing me a small bag of nuts at any second.

Phil sat next to me on the plane. That is him above turning to look at me as I was sitting there on the plane waiting to take off and totally not making any big deal about it. Phil and I chatted for a bit and then I put on my headphones and jammed some tunes. I was not trying to alienate Phil or anything. I was just tired and wanted to close my eyes. I didn’t sleep though really. It was more one of those things where you drift off halfway and have all sorts of crazy thoughts and the music in your headphones starts to speak to you in all sorts of crazy ways. It’s one of my favorite ways to listen to music. While I was doing that, Phil was reading the new book by Noam Chomsky, a thinking man. Phil ended up not likingthe book that much even though he has a sweet beard that would suggest he would totally be into the new Noam Chomsky book. In the end, he gave the Noam Chomsky book to me. I am going to try to read it but I can’t promise that I will “get it.”

On a completely unrelated note, I am sitting on a couch at a coffee shop in the West Village as I type this. Some woman has come in with what appears to be a three year-old child. The woman has decided to sit at a table with another woman while leaving what I am assuming to be her daughter sitting next to me on the couch. She is not wearing shoes and her feet stink. She is playing a video game and it’s really loud. I do not wish to harm the child but the mother is in serious danger as of this writing.

Dave Hill

Miami, Peaches, And Stuff Like That

I have been in scenic Miami Beach for a few days now to continue shooting my soon-to-be wildly popular program “The King Of Miami With Dave Hill,” which will air this spring on the futuristic high-definition network INHD, the people who bring you Howard Stern On Demand and other programs made available in the unstoppable high-definition television format. As you can probably imagine, I am pretty much ruling the fuck out of this place as usual, as suggested in the photo above. That is me on a Segway, the incredible machine that makes actually walking a thing of the past. Finally! I am so tired of actually have to do anything. In the future, we will all exist in a vegetative state and it will be awesome. Hopefully we will also be wearing really tight silver suits. Until then, I will continue to look incredible in any number of my unstoppable outfits.

I have been doing all sorts of life-altering things here in Miami. Yesterday, for example, I went golfing at the Doral Country Club, which was quite nice. I had not been golfing since I was fourteen. It was really great to get back out on the course again. That is a picture of me about to go golfing above. As an interesting bit of trivia, the sweater I am wearing is from the Jack Nicklaus collection made by Revere Sportswear, a company that my grandfather used to sell unstoppable outfits for a long, long time ago. The sweater was ordered for me for the shoot and when I saw the label I knew that I was fulfilling some sort of prophecy or another. I can’t help but think my grandfather was looking down on me and thinking that his grandson has grown up to be just as much of a jackass as I was when he died over twenty years ago. Still, I think my grandfather and I can both agree that I look pretty great in that sweater. Thanks, grandpa- I miss you. Now please send more outfits!

After a long day of showbiz magic, I hit the town for a bit of hijinks. One thing led to another and next thing I know I was standing on the beach with my friend Phil watching Peaches play a free concert about fifty yards from the ocean. That is a picture I took with my cellphone above. Yes, I know I am incredible cell phone photographer. Anyway, I have to say that Peaches was fucking awesome. It was the most entertaining and inspiring show I have seen in a long, long time, which is a lot coming from someone like me, who rocks like a motherfucker without even thinking about it. Peaches ended her show by stripping naked and running into the water as a thousand people followed her out to the ocean. I have a new hero. I wish I could see her and her band every night.

Okay, time to hit the showers. More on this and other topics in the near future.

Dave Hill

A Recipe For Instant Good Times

Here is photo of me and my man Phil shooting stuff for my soon-to-be wildly popular new television program "The King of Miami." That is a squirrel monkey that is totally on me. Talk about fun- this little fella pretty much deals in that shit full time. Anyway, more on this and other topics later.

Dave Hill

Traveling Man

A few days ago, I loaded a bunch of my crap into a mini-van and drove it from my hometown of Cleveland to my tiny new apartment in scenic New York City with my friend Mike. He’s the guy in the photo above. That’s him just pulling the van out of his driveway (like a pro, I might add). I’ve known Mike for about ten years now and he is a great friend and an excellent driver. He also used to take care of race horses and police horses, so if I ever have any questions about horses in general (and I do, I do), I just ask Mike and he breaks it down for me. For example, did you know that horses like carrots? It’s true!


Anyway, Mike and I have driven back and forth between New York and Cleveland a bunch of times before with my legendary rock band Uptown Sinclair and Mike has got all the gas stations and truck stops mapped out in his brain like some sort of zen master or something. For example, when we are passing through Youngstown, which is right on the Ohio border for the most part, we always stop at Truck World, which may very well be the greatest truck stop in North America as best I can tell. That’s Mike standing in front of the Truck World sign above. He seems content. And then the photo below that is me standing in front of the doors right before you go into Truck World. There is a welcome sign on the window so you know that all sorts of good times are waiting for you as soon as you pass through the doors that are right next to the welcome sign.

Inside of Truck World, they have pretty much everything you’d ever need for any occasion, which is really convenient if you find yourself out on the road and realize you left your dreamcatcher or gun polish at home by accident. They also have hot dogs, which is great for someone like me who really likes hot dogs. Also at Truck World, they have a fairly extensive assortment of very large knives for sale. This is really really great if you find yourself in the middle of a road trip and realize you need to cut some rope or stab someone or something. You might not be able to see it in the picture above, but the knives are priced to move. You can get a pretty sweet knive for about ten bucks. Not too shabby if you ask me, a guy who really knows his knives and other objects that can be used for both practical purposes and violence.

After we stopped at Truck World, Mike and I drove through the popular McDonald’s restaurant (not literally though! Ha!) and loaded up. I got the popular Big Mac value meal. I eat McDonald’s maybe once or twice a year, so when I do I really like to go for it. That is just one more example of my “all or nothing” approach to life. Mike got the Chicken Selects. What’s up with that bullshit?

Once we got the McDonald’s secured into our gastrointestinal system, Mike and I got back to putting the miles behind us. Mike did 99% of the driving since he is an excellent driver and I am not so much. This freed me up to take pictures, sleep, and make insightful observations about life on the road and stuff. The picture above is of the view outside the passenger seat window. It really gives you a taste for the road if you ask me. It’s really different out there. Trust me- I am a man who knows the loneliness of the road. She is a cruel mistress.


Since we got kind of a late start, it got dark while we were still driving and Mike adapted accordingly by turning the headlights on. And as you can see from the picture above, Mike is just as incredible at driving at night as he is at driving during the day. Really, I don’t know how he does it sometimes. He is like some kind of tobacco-chewing superhero or something. As for me, all this watching Mike drive was making me sleepy, so I got some coffee at one of the many rest stops Mike has mapped out in his brain. The picture above is of me sitting there drinking the coffee. I know, it’s almost like you were there.

By about 9 o’clock we finally pulled into the Big City and- after dragging all my crap up to my new apartment- we headed out onto the town for some food and fun at the Jane Street Tavern, which- as the name suggests- is located on Jane Street in the scenic West Village, the classy neighborhood in which I now sleep and keep all my crap. Anyway, at the Jane Street Tavern, I had chicken wings and Mike had fish-n-chips, which only serves to further the notion that when it comes to meal time, Mike prefers animal parts that have been deliciously breaded and fried.

Dave Hill