Monday, August 27, 2007

Plaguelike Symptoms And Other Topics

It is Monday and I am now on Day 3 of experiencing plague-like symptoms. I am coughing and sneezing a lot and generally assuming that I should make sure my suits are clean so my family has something nice to bury me in next week or so. Then again, maybe it’s just a cold. I don’t know- it’s tough to say really. If I don’t write here tomorrow, please assume I am totally dead.

In other news, I just got back from the crappy Gristede’s (i.e. no Lucky Charms- ever!) in my neighborhood where I bought some bread, carrots, milk, and some bullshit cereal that is not nearly as good as Lucky Charms but whatever. I also bought some chocolate from the Chocolate Bar store near my house. It’s expensive but sometimes you just gotta say “F it” and get yourself some nice chocolate for the eating, especially if you might be dead soon like me. I got the dark chocolate with little bits of espresso beans in it so I don’t fall asleep and forget to finish the rest of the chocolate all in one sitting. That’s just how I do it.

In still other news, last night I was talking about music with my favorite nanny to the stars and I remembered the song “Lonely Boy” by Andrew Gold while I was talking about “Magnet and Steel” by Walter Egan. “Lonely Boy” was a big hit in the ‘70’s. I remember hearing it a lot when I was a little kid and it made me really sad because I was pretty sure it was about me somehow. I really like the song but even to this day it’s hard to hear it without getting a pit in my stomach and thinking back to my early years as a socially retarded kid in Cleveland who never liked to be more than few blocks from home. Oh well, it all worked out in the end I guess. Now I am all grown up and have my own apartment in New York City and everything. I can even buy beer. How fucking sweet is that? Anyway, click on the video above to hear the song about a young Dave Hill. I apologize in advance if you end up crying all over your computer.

Dave Hill

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Some Rocking, Dammit

I meant to post this a while ago but forgot for some reason or another. Anyway, this is a home video of one of the rock bands I play in,
Children Of The Unicorn, playing at B.B. King's here in New York City a couple months ago when we opened up for Dick Dale, the popular surf legend. The camera is conveniently placed on my side of the stage (though I swear I didn't do that). Anyway, I hope you enjoy it so much.

Dave Hill

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Nudity, Shakespeare, My Colon, And Other Stuff Of Great Importance

If you feel like listening to me talk (and really, why wouldn’t you?), you can check out a story I did for the popular public radio program Fair Game right here. I totally went on a nude dinner cruise with these people. Good times, good times. I hope you enjoy it.

In other news, last night I went with that major pussyhound David Rakoff and a handful of other crazy motherfuckers to see “A Midsummer Night’s Dream,” which is totally a play by William Shakespeare, in Central Park. It was good times all around. Like most things that have characters and a plot and stuff, I occasionally got a little confused but generally speaking it was really great, especially Martha Plimpton, who totally acted the fuck out of the part of Helena. She had on an excellent wig and everything. If you live in New York City, you should totally go see the fuck out of this play.

After seeing the popular play “A Midsummer Night’s Dream,” I was walking out of Central Park with my friend David when a couple ladies behind us were making some crazy noises and stuff. I was all like “Who the F are those ladies making all the crazy noises and stuff?”. Then I turned around to see that it was none other than Kathleen Turner, whom you might remember from such films as “Serial Mom” and “Body Heat,” a film in which she totally shows her juggs, which is awesome. I saw it on cable when I was a kid and I am still talking about it. Anyway, David and I were all high-fiving and shit because it was pretty sweet that we totally saw her.

In still other news, guess who is back on a colon cleanse? This guy (I am pointing to myself as I type this)! Talk about good times, this is an example of that. I am taking the above product to get the party started and, boy, let me tell you it really is starting to do a fine job. I hope I will become really healthy from this somehow. I will keep you posted in great detail in the very near future. You deserve to know. Thanks for everything.

And finally, who’s cuter? You tell me! The smart money is on the bitch in the bag but I’m no slouch either, dammit.

Dave Hill

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Drinking The Fuck Out Of Some Almond Milk

I am totally drinking the fuck out of some almond milk as I type this. In my ongoing quest to not become a great big fat person, I have been trying (a little bit, not that much really) to eat slightly healthier during the day so I don’t have to give up beer or ice cream or something crazy like that. My sister Miriam recommended I try drinking shakes made out of soy milk, natural peanut butter, and banana for breakfast and I was all into that shit until I talked to my friends Tig and Carlen about it and they were all like “You should just drink yourself a motherfucking milkshake if you’re gonna be drinking that shit.” I don’t know why they have to swear like that. Anyway, then Tig was all like almond milk is where it’s at. So the other day I bought a big box of that shit and totally brought it back to my house.

The almond milk I bought was made by the Blue Diamond company, the same people that bring you smoked and salted almonds that come in a shiny bag and are pretty delicious generally speaking. I guess they had all those almonds around and were all like “Fuck it- let’s make us some almond milk while we’re at it and then we can sell that shit too.” And it worked because I totally bought some of that shit just the other day just as they had probably hoped I would. Now I’m sitting here drinking a big drink I made with almond milk (I got it unsweetened and chocolate, which is kind of fun), natural peanut butter, and a big banana I just bought at the grocery store by my house. Things got a little crazy when I tried to mix it up though because the bottom of my mixer thing wasn’t screwed on right and when I poured the almond milk in it just leaked out the bottom and went all over the counter. That’s a situation I plan on dealing with later in the week. For now I am just letting the almond milk do it’s thing on my counter top. It’s too much for me to handle emotionally at the moment.

Anyway, the almond milk/peanut butter/banana shake is pretty good. I am hoping it gives me energy and keeps me from being plus-sized so I don’t have to buy new clothes or anything. I’ll let you know what happens. Really it could go either way.

In other news, a few days ago my friend Brett totally sent me a link on the Internet about a new hot pepper called the Bhut Jolokia (pictured above) that some motherfuckers discovered in India. It is reportedly now officially the hottest pepper in the whole world, kicking the shit out of all the Habaneros and Scotch Bonnets and whatnot that were fucking people up before. It’s an interesting story that can be found here. The narrator is kind of annoying so be sure to listen to the audio of him actually eating the pepper because he ends up being in a lot of pain and it’s kind of satisfying to know he experienced great discomfort.

Being a hot pepper fan and all, I am kind of curious to eat a Bhut Jolokia myself. I’ve eaten raw Habaneros and Scotch Bonnets before and my mouth and ass are still reasonably intact, so I’m thinking maybe I should step it up a bit. Maybe I can order some of those motherfuckers on the Internet or some shit. I really don’t know why I have to swear like that. Maybe it’s the fucking almond milk. What the F?

Speaking of hot, there was a fire in my apartment the other day. How crazy is that? I came home to discover the super and a maintenence guy totally in my apartment and telling my how the hot water tank caught on fire and stuff. Fortunately nothing bad happened and no one had to carry my charred remains out of my apartment or anything. That would have been awkward.

Have a super day.

Dave Hill

Monday, August 20, 2007

D.L. Hughley And Mike Epps Interviews

Hi. How are you? I am fine. Thanks so much for asking. Anyway, here is an interview that I did with comedy's D.L. Hughley, the best-smelling person I have ever interviewed in my entire show business career. He was a very nice man too. But honestly, I really can't say enough about how good this guy smelled. Not a day goes by when I don't wonder about how D.L. Hughley manages to smell so good. If one day I end up smelling half as good as this man, I will have really lived.

When you get done watching my interview with comedy's D.L. Hughley, why not keep the excitement coming by watching the interview I did with comedy's Mike Epps below. Mike was in the popular movie "Next Friday" and he is an incredible dresser.

Dave Hill

Wednesday, August 15, 2007


As far as straight guys go, no one is more pro-bear than me. Anyone who celebrates the fact that they are big and hairy and then goes out of their way to date other dudes who are big and hairy are to be applauded in my book, so when a friend sent me this video by the self-proclaimed "world's first bear band" Bearforce1 I was all over that sh*t. This video is pretty entertaining in several different ways. I will say, however, that these guys aren't really bear enough in my book. I mean, maybe the one dude, but the rest of them bearly qualify (Get it?). Eat a goddman, sandwich for chrissakes, I say. They're not even trying. But whatever, maybe in time they will pack on a few pounds and be really beariffic. In the meantime, I hope you enjoy this video as I much as I did.

Dave Hill

Monday, August 13, 2007


On the plane back from Los Angeles (the one mentioned in the previous entry), I read (most of it anyway) “Ruthless,” the autobiography of Jerry Heller, co-founder of Ruthless Records. It was an interesting read and- as you can probably imagine- was mostly about Jerry’s time as manager of N.W.A., the legendary rap group that featured Ice Cube, Eazy-E, Dr. Dre, and a couple other dudes that people don’t talk about as much (okay, DJ Yella and MC Ren). And, of course, reading about N.W.A. got me thinking about their music and how much I really like it. Back in the ‘80’s and early ‘90’s (when I was street) I used to listen to N.W.A. and Public Enemy- pretty much the Beatles and Stones of rap in my opinion- with my friends a lot. And it’s music that still stands up today (in my aging whiteboy opinion), fucking yours and my shit up like nobody’s business, dammit.

One of the things I liked about Jerry Heller’s book is how he described N.W.A’s music as “exuberant.” I realized that’s what really sets theirs (and Public Enemy’s and a few others too) music apart from most of today’s hip-hop (and pop music for that matter), which I don’t have much use for. For a while I was getting worried that I just wasn’t street anymore and maybe that’s why I don’t listen to much hip-hop these days, but when I read that thing about exuberance I realized “Shit- it ain’t that I’m not street anymore. It’s just that motherfuckers ain’t exuberant anymore.” Phew- I’m glad it’s not me.

Anyway, why not finish this entry with a video for my favorite N.W.A. song, “Express Yourself”? I hope you enjoy it so much. And stay street. Like me, a crazy motherfucker named Dave Hill.

Dave Hill

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Los Angeles Invasion In Motherf#@king Review

I just spent the past six days in scenic Los Angeles and then flew back to NYC on a big plane with a whole bunch of other people, many of whom were wearing Dockers. It was a fun and busy week in L.A. and was full of all shorts of show business mayhem and general fucking up of shit and then taking that shit that I just fucked up to the next level. I did a show at the Hollywood Improv on Tuesday that was pretty fun and then spent the rest of the week taking high-powered show business meeting with high-powered show business executives. Most of the meetings involved drinking bottled water and talking about myself and then listening to other people talk about me for an hour or so. Since staying hydrated, talking about myself, and listening to other people talk about me are three of my favorite things, I pretty much never got tired of it.

The rest of my time in Los Angeles was spent eating and drinking stuff and hanging out at my friend Tig’s house in scenic Venice. One night there was an earthquake but somehow I failed to notice it. I think I might have been on the freeway at the time so maybe I just thought it was my rental car acting up or something. Shit- I would have really liked to experience the earthquake. Maybe next time. For the record though, I have experienced two earthquakes in my lifetime, both in Cleveland of all places (a non-earthquake town, generally speaking). They were minor earthquakes and felt pretty much like there was a big truck driving by the house or something, but they were earthquakes nonetheless and honestly I can’t stop talking about it.

Anyway, one night during my six-day assault on Los Angeles, I went to see my friend Adrian’s band Tab (the band) at the Echo, a cool rock club in Echo Park that it turns out is run by my friend Liz, which was a nice surprise as I hadn’t seen her in a long time. Tab rocked balls in the full-on rock style that most people can’t even handle and I was loving that shit. Adrian had on cool white shoes and his bass tone was just like John Entwistle’s, which is pretty much as good as it gets if you ask me. If you get a chance, go watch Tab rock your balls off. It’s good stuff. And I usually hate everything.

After watching Tab rock balls, I went to a bar/restaurant down the street called Taix and had a drink with my friends Scott and Brett. There was a band setting up to play and at first we were all like “Fuck it- we might have to stab these guys” since we just wanted to talk and not have a band be playing next to our heads. But then they fired it up and we kind of liked them after all and decided not to stab them. Then we all went home.

In other news, I woke up this morning wondering why I was so full. Then I looked over on my desk to discover an empty Ben & Jerry’s container (Coffee Heath Bar Crunch). I pulled the covers over my head in shame. Still, I know the freezer section will call out to me again soon and I will answer that call with a motherfucking tablespoon. F it.

Anyway, now I’m back in New York City and am getting ready to fuck this place up some more. I think I’ll take a nap first though. F it.

Dave Hill


Saturday, August 04, 2007

Gary Gulman Interview

Hello. Here is an exciting interview I did with the very tall and nice comedian Gary Gulman. You might remember him from the popular Tourgasm program on the premium cable television channel HBO. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it so much.

Dave Hill