Change Of Plans

Some rough news just came in from wnbc.com. I guess some people just don’t want to believe in love:

School Board May Ban Adult Dates From Prom
POSTED: 9:40 am EST January 25, 2006

HAMBURG, Pa. -- A Pennsylvania school board is considering whether to ban people 21 and older from the high school prom.

The Hamburg School Board is expected to vote on the matter next month. Administrators said their primary concern is that guests 21 or older could legally buy alcohol.

Some, like board member Brian Specht, said dances are for students. Specht said it seems to him that "21 years old or older is an adult."

Two high school seniors, Erica Frantz and Jennifer Glass, both 18, had spoken to the board in December about bringing 22-year-old boyfriends to the dance. Frantz said she had been dating her boyfriend since she was a freshman and he was a senior.

Board member John Driscoll said, "I don't know why somebody over 21 would even want to go to a prom."

Janet, if you are reading this, I am so, so sorry. I guess we'll just have to plan the best night ever on our own.

Dave Hill

Science Update

Imagine being invited to the craziest party ever. Now imagine that party is going on entirely within the confines of your gastrointestinal system. That is what my new colon cleanser is like. I don't take the citrus flavor (as pictured), but that doesn't mean I'm having any less fun.

Dave Hill

Senior Fun House Correspondent

I spent a little time curled up with my photo albums this evening and happened upon this snapshot of me hanging with my close personal friend, Senior White House Correspondent Helen Thomas. We’ve had some pretty wild times together over the years, HT (my pet name for her) and me, but I’ll perhaps always remember this night the best (even though much of it still remains a blur- for both of us! You know what I’m talking about, HT!). We had spent the entire day together plowing through tag sales and- after pulling a couple outfits together for ourselves at the last minute- shuffled off to this gala for someone or another (half the time we never knew who the parties were for! We’d just show up and if the door guy gave us any trouble we’d just tell him to talk to the hand!). Anyway, this time around HT and I spent half the night camped out next to the shrimp cocktail station, stuffing our faces and slamming back glass after glass of a little something HT liked to call the “Instant Genius” (10 parts vodka, one part ice, served in a dirty glass). Anyway, fast forward to about 3 AM when HT and I somehow find ourselves out back and stumble upon a big box of fireworks, a bottle of Grand Marnier, and an abandoned golf cart. You figure out the rest. Good times, HT, good times. Next time we’ll leave the huevos rancheros to the professionals! Ha- sorry folks, that is a joke only HT would get. Then again, it’s not like I care. It’s mine and HT’s world- you’re just living in it.

Dave Hill

I Got Some Headshots Done And I Really Need You To Be Cool With That

Did I mention that I had some headshots taken last week? Yeah, well it’s true. And I need you to be cool with that because- if I do say so myself- they turned out to be pretty incredible. Take one look at them and you can tell that I am approachable, have a penchant for lighthearted mischief, and am totally comfortable with the fact that I have really great hair. Also, I will show up early and stay late on the set and I will let Robert DeNiro just be Robert DeNiro at all times, no questions asked. And at no point will I get all up in his face and be all like “You’re Robert DeNiro.” That is because I am better than that.

I am pretty excited about all the exciting things are going to happen to me as a result of my new headshots too. Let me put it to you like this- I don’t think I’m going to have as much time to type away on this computer because now a LOT of people are going to want to have sex with me. And I’m not just talking about all the people that see my picture hanging up at the dry cleaner either- I’m talking about hot bitches like Kate Beckinsale and stuff. There I said it.

Man, it is f*cking sweet having new headshots. Deal with it.

Dave Hill

This Moment In Black Metal

Here is something that will brighten your day. It’s the sweet Norwegian Black Metal band Mayhem playing their popular hit “Deathcrush” in front of a bunch of people who are really excited that that sort of thing is happening.

And as far as this sort of thing goes, Mayhem pretty much rules this sh*t. I have to say, however, that the bass player towelling off and drinking water before the song starts isn’t very Black Metal if you ask me. What happened to human suffering, you puss? Also, the singer’s outfit is a little too Hot Topic for my tastes. Then again, maybe this was a big show for them and he wanted to take things to the next level and sort of lost control or something. Still, the pig heads and barbed wire along the front of the stage pretty much make up for any of that. But would it have killed the rest of the band to throw on a little corpse paint or something? Hey, I’m just saying.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy it. It pretty much rules in like fifteen or sixteen different ways.

Dave Hill

Being Sweet

Look, no one hates bragging more than me, but I had a fairly crappy day today (I mean, not horrible or anything, just not as asskicking as usual), so just to make myself feel slightly better, I figured I’d point out the fact that my friend David Rakoff and I got a nice mention in New York Magazine for our show last week at Mo’ Pitkins, the popular nightspot. You can see what I am talking about here. Look in the lower right corner. Apparently we are lowbrow and brilliant. Like I need a magazine to tell me that. No, just kidding. Actually, I had myself pegged for a highbrow moron all these years.

Anyway, yeah, so there’s that. If you feel like getting a taste of mine and David’s lowbrow brilliance, you could watch the video we made for our show here. Watch it like ten times and then send it too a bunch of friends or something. They will appreciate you sharing Internet fun with them. Next time they see you they will say “Hey, thanks for sending me that.” And then they will turn to another friend and say “Hey, Todd, did (insert your name here) send you that video? It was pretty good. I could forward it to you. Now, could you please get me to a hospital? I’ve lost a lot of blood and I’m feeling...light...headed.....” You run with a tough crowd. I don't know how you do it.

Dave Hill

On The Rock Front

This past weekend was full of rocking rock as both bands I play in, Valley Lodge and Heather, fired up the asskicking machine in the big city. It was good times all around.

The first show took place on Friday night with Valley Lodge at the Mercury Lounge. Things were looking pretty grim on the days leading up to the show as John’s health problems (it’s either his back or his balls depending on whom you ask) were escalating with every passing hour. It was starting to look like he wasn’t going to be able to rock so we were all thinking maybe we’d cancel the show rather than rock in a state of compromise. In the hours before the show however, we decided we must rock at all costs, even if John was lying on a gurney in a dimly lit room somewhere with liquid food dripping into his arm. We had no choice but to alter our rock machine to power trio mode for the show.

We were a little apprehensive about playing as a trio as it would mean rocking shorthanded, sort of like a hockey team with someone in the penalty box for slashing or something. In the end, however, things worked out pretty well as I just turned my amp up a bit and threw a few extra gyrations into the usual choreography. As best I could tell, people felt the rock power. And we had one less amp to carry home at the end of the night, so that was good too. That said, however, it will be good to have John back in action soon so we can kick people in the nuts a bit more effectively next time.

Aside from the show itself on Friday, it was a good night in other ways as Phil, Rob, and I got to blow our asses out on Mexican food at Festival Mexicana on Rivington Street before the show and we also got to see a rocking band, Demander, who played before and did a good job rocking asses themselves. Plus, Phil, Rob, and I all got to sit in the Mercury Lounge basement for a while and have a nice chat. It’s good to do this every once in a while what with how crazy life tends to get and all.

The rock continued on Saturday when Heather showed up at Ace of Clubs and played to a small but drunk crowd. Ace of Clubs used to be Under Acme, where I’d played a bunch of times before when I still had boyish good looks and a taste for malt liquor. It’s pretty much the same club now despite the name change. I think they may have moved the bar or something too.

The show itself went pretty well. I was pretty tired from life in general but still managed to muster the necessary rock energy to kick people’s asses effectively. Good times, good times.

Before the show, Phil and I ate a quick dinner at Acme Bar and Grill, the restaurant located directly above the club. Phil had a Po’ Boy sandwich that was 1/2 fried oysters and half fried shrimp. I went with the chicken Po’ Boy, a conservative choice for me but I didn’t want to stir up to much trouble in my gastrointestinal system right before showtime. It turned out to be the right choice as at no time during the performance did I feel like I was in danger of needing to change my pants or anything. Thanks chicken Po’ Boy!

The rest of my weekend was spent working on assorted top secret projects in my apartment. I typed a lot mostly and did a little painting and decoupaging, which relaxes me and totally doesn’t make me gay.

Okay, I’m off to work on my upper body strength. I hope they have all the big weights out at the gym. I’m not messing around this time. Dammit.

Dave Hill

My Friend Matt Found A Sweet Cannonball

Just when you think there’s no chance in hell that one day you’ll be burying a dead iguana in your backyard and find a 230-year old cannonball from the Revolutionary War in the process, it just totally happens. At least that’s what happened to my friend Matt (above) anyway. We’re all pretty excited for Matt and his cannonball, despite the spectre of death surrounding it (the iguana and- presumably- some American and/or English soldiers). You can read the whole story here. It’s pretty exciting stuff whether you're into dead iguanas and cannonballs or not.

Dave Hill

Marmite And Me

Yesterday, I bought a small jar of Marmite, the popular British food-like item, at the small British import shop (they may also do exporting, though I am unsure of this. Maybe it goes on in the back.) in my charming Brooklyn neighborhood. I have been hearing about Marmite for some time now and figured- given my taste (pun intended! You know it!) for adventure and all- that it was time I stepped up to the plate and put some of it in my mouth.

For the uninitiated, Marmite is a yeast extract, which is a byproduct of the beer brewing process (I learned this last part through my tireless research on the Internet) that comes in a gooey brown spreadable form that looks not unlike something one might use to glue linoleum tiles to the floor or just gross people out in general. In Australia, it is known as Vegemite (though some argue that Vegemite and Marmite are not the same thing. For the sake of simplicity however, let’s just say that they are.), the popular sandwich spread immortalized in the popular Men At Work hit “Down Under,” the song that really put them on the map as far as I’m concerned.

Anyway, a friend was telling me recently about how a friend of hers had an English roommate with a stash of Marmite in their apartment. The friend decided to give it a try and was absolutely horrified by it. Still, there was something that kept her coming back and, before long, she found that she just couldn’t get enough of the stuff. Also- perhaps through some tireless internet research of her own (or maybe she just read the label)- she learned that Marmite is a great source for such things as vitamin B12, niacin, riboflavin, folic acid, and a bunch of other stuff we don’t normally give much thought to but then later find out our lives have been a complete mess without.

Since I love trying new things (though some might argue differently. F#@k you, Danny- I told you I just want to be friends!) and I am always looking for delicious spreads that pump me full of vitamins and minerals that might somehow rescue me from the hell of my existence (not really- things are actually pretty f#$king sweet for me in a lot of ways. Money and handjobs are in short supply, but my hair is great.), I figured Marmite might just be the thing for me. I bought the smallest jar available ($3.75- priced to move) since I wasn’t sure how this whole thing was gonna work out and I didn’t want to get stuck with a big jar of brown gooey stuff that I had no immediate use for (How many times have I said this before?) staring me down every time I walked into the kitchen (where I am pretty much planning on keeping it). I was pretty excited about my new purchase too, so much in fact that I pulled the little jar out of my bag while on riding the subway and opened it up just to get a good snoot-full.

This morning I decided to give the Marmite a try on a piece of toast (I read this is the most popular format). I am sad to report however that- as of this writing anyway- Marmite is perhaps the nastiest thing I have ever eaten. It tastes kind of like if you sprinkled salt and vinegar onto someone’s ass and then licked it while someone else wound up and kicked you right in the nuts (just guessing. Really.). I’m actually pretty disappointed that I don’t like it as there is almost no food I don’t like (I tried whole kidneys- the organ, not the bean- recently and wasn’t much into that either. Still, I would eat it for all six meals of the day over Marmite) and- given Marmite’s health benefits and the fact that mentioning to people that I eat it would only serve to make me seem slightly more interesting- it would probably serve me well to add it to my diet. I think I’ll give it another try though. Maybe it will grow on me over time, like a thick fungus or violent lover that I somehow can’t live without or something.

As I type this, a half-eaten slice of Marmite-slathered toast stares me down from the periphery. I’ll let you know what happens. Should things go horribley wrong however, just know that I have always loved you but have always been afraid to say anything.

Dave Hill

Night Of 1000 Davids Recap Of Sorts

Here is a video that my friend David Rakoff and I showed last night at our life-altering (both for us and all in attendance) show "Night Of 1000 Davids (Or At Least Two)" that went down last night at Mo' Pitkins, the popular nightspot. We made the video with our friend Keith Goldberg, who is pretty f#@king sweet at filming, directing, and editing and stuff like that. I hope you like it. The show itself went well. It was a packed house and there was lots of hardcore boning afterwards. Well, at least that first part is true.

Dave Hill

R.I.P. Lou

May you be jumpin' and pumpin' in that big theather in the round in the sky for all eternity.

Dave Hill

Night Of 1000 Davids (Or At Least Two), Monday, Jan. 9 at Mo' Pitkins at 7pm. Please come. Dammit.

Attention People Of New York City:

I just wanted to let you know that on Monday, January 9, at 7pm, my friend David Rakoff and I are going to be putting on a little something we like to call Night Of 1000 Davids (Or At Least Two), which we could just as easily be calling pretty much the f#@king sweetest thing that has ever happened ever because that is exactly what it is going to be. Anyway, Night Of 1000 Davids (which is what David and I sometimes call it to save time and stuff) is going to go down at Mo’ Pitkins., the happening new nightspot located at 34 Avenue A between 2nd and 3rd streets in the heart of Alphabet City (or just on the edge of it depending on whom you ask).

The way this whole thing came together is that every Monday night, the people at Mo Pitkins put on something called the Reader’s Room where people who write stuff read some stuff they wrote in front of a bunch of people and then there is clapping. Since David is a f#@king sweet writer (you probably know this already, but he wrote such popular books at FRAUD and DON’T GET TOO COMFORTABLE and is on National Public Radio so much that they should just get it over with already and call it National Rakoff Radio or something. He also recently made the Forbes Magazine Top 12 List of Most Boneable Writers. He is also a guest on Letterman tonight. For real.), they called him up and were all like “Hey, David- we are done messing around and want to have the best night of reading ever by having you come over here and read stuff. Will you do it?” He said yes and then called my ass up and was all like “Hey, do you wanna do this thing with me?” I was like “Totally.” I mean, it is not like I have any books out or anything but that is just because the big book companies have yet to invent a font that can handle the kind of sh*t I am cranking out on a daily basis.

So anyway, so David and I were all set to show up at Mo Pitkins and just read the f#@k out of a few things but then we were all like why not do a bunch of other stuff on top of that? And thus Night Of 1000 Davids (Or At Least Two), the awesome show in which David and I are going to read the f#@k out of a few things and then do a bunch of other stuff on top of that, was born. As you read this, David and I are plotting and planning a night of entertainment that is so exciting we have to keep an oxygen tank on hand just to able to even talk about it with each other.

You should come. It is free.

Your man,
Dave Hill

Tequila, Sammy Hagar, Afghan Hounds, Life.

I was in a liquor store with a friend the other day. The friend was buying something. I was just looking. Lately, I have taken an interest in tequila and have been checking out the various brands. Lest you think that being festive and drinking lots of tequila is my new thing for 2006 or something, rest assured that I don’t necessarily even like tequila all that much. I’m more into the fermentation process and how tequila is made of Mexican plants and stuff. Plus, really good tequila tends to come in really cool bottles, so there’s that too. I am going to try to start liking it more, just so I can start having some of those really cool bottles around the house. Who knows- maybe I will even become really good friends with Sammy Hagar or something (In case you don’t know, the Van Hagar frontman has his own brand of tequila- Cabo Wabo- that is quite popular with fans of higher-end tequila. I’ve had it and it’s good stuff. The Cabo Wabo bottle is kind of cool too. Still, it’s hard not to think of Sammy while drinking it. This is either a positive or negative depending on your stance on the self-proclaimed “Red Rocker.” Personally, I’m not a fan of his music. However, I can’t help but admire his joie de vivre as well as his apparent inability to drive the speed limit.).

Also, while I was not buying anything at the liquor store, I happened upon a book called “A Collection of Afghan Hound Rescue Stories.” It was just sitting there on top of one of the wine shelves. I didn’t open the book so I’m not sure whether the stories in the book were about people rescuing Afghan Hounds or Afghan Hounds rescuing people. I have played the scenarios out both ways in my head over and over the last few days and prefer to think the book is about Afghan Hounds that rescue people. Otherwise the book would probably just have a lot of bitching in it or something. The Afghan Hounds have already got it bad enough what with their looking all crazy and all. It’s not like they need a whole book about how people are constantly saving their asses in times of Afghan distress.

Getting back to the tequila though. My friend Andy was telling me the other day that the agave plant that tequila comes from is in short supply at the moment and- as a result- there may be a tequila shortage in the very near future. If you are planning on living your life like Sammy Hagar any time soon, you’d better stock up now. I’m just saying.

Dave Hill

Happy New Year.......!

I'm not much for New Year's Eve generally speaking, but I have to admit that partying is really, really great.

Dave Hill