The Importance Of Being Dokken

This past Saturday afternoon, I was taking a quick nap when “In My Dreams” by the popular ‘80’s metal band Dokken came on my iTunes (I had it on shuffle mode because I am a guy who likes both variety and surprises and also a bit of Dokken every now and then). Since I hadn’t heard Dokken in a long time, I decided to push the issue and listen to Dokken and only Dokken during the rest of my nap. It was pretty exciting on several levels.

For the uninitiated, Dokken is a band from Los Angeles specializing in hair metal or pop metal or rock or just plain metal depending on whom you ask. They used to be on MTV all the time back in the ‘80’s when such music was king. While many of Dokken’s peers played major key songs about banging chicks and stuff, Dokken tended to favor minor key songs about breaking up with chicks they used to bang. It was good music to listen to in your car while your girlfriend (or at least the girl you hoped might one day be your girlfriend) ran into the convenient store for smokes or something and ended up talking to that dude over by the magazines for just a little too long. What the fuck?

My friend Tim and I were seriously into Dokken’s guitar player George Lynch, who is pretty awesome. Even Billy Corgan from the Smashing Pumpkins has talked about how he used to listen to George Lynch’s cool guitar playing and be all like wanting to play like that and stuff. George can play really fast and make cool squealy sounds when he does it. In short, he is pretty awesome, which I was saying earlier. Tim and I actually liked George Lynch more than Dokken as a whole. George was so good that we didn’t mind listening to rest of the band playing and singing along with George and his awesome guitar playing. It was worth it in the end. Besides, the chances of George leaving Dokken and joining the Replacements- thus combining most of our favorite things into one unstoppable band- seemed kind of unlikely any way you sliced it. Then again, that might not be the best idea the more I think about it anyway.

Now when I hear Dokken I remember back to being a youngster and first learning guitar and wanting to be able play all fast and shit. I’m older now and I still can’t play nearly as well as George Lynch, but I do have my moments of being fairly shred-capaple from time to time. My hair is not as cool as George Lynch’s used to be back in the day either, though it’s not too bad I suppose. Regardless, hearing Dokken reminds me of what it is to dream. Here is one their hits:

Dave Hill

Dreams

As a man who has met and enjoyed quality time with Judith Light (she was a guest on my Dave Hill Explosion show in Aspen, Colorado, where she sometimes lives, address unknown), star of the hit television program "Who's the Boss?" and incredible woman in general, I am very excited about the photo above. If you are a detective you might have put this one together yourself, but the photo above is of me totally standing in front of a "Who's the Boss?" baseball jacket. It is an extremely rare jacket given only to those fortunate enough to have been directly affiliated with the program during it's primetime run from 1984 to 1992 on the ABC network. Sometimes you spend your whole life looking for something and then one day you walk into someone's house and there it is, right there on a hanger. I do not want to die any time soon really, but as of this writing I feel closer to being ready. I have lived, dammit. I have lived.

Dave Hill

Animated GIF Of The Week: Patrick Borelli Pets Dog

Here is an animated GIF made by my friend Patrick Borelli. I like how the dog keeps whipping it's head around. I am also concerned about what Patrick's hand is doing when it leaves the frame. I am suggesting that maybe he is touching his privates. This is because I am juvenile and not one to shy away from the most obvious joke one could possibly make in any given scenario. But it is early and I haven't had my coffee yet. There's no telling what I might come up with a couple sips from now. Man, this party lifestyle is really getting to me. Anyway, I hope you have enjoyed this funtime moment exploring the exciting world of animated GIFs, which are from the future.

Dave Hill

Crazy, Crazy Like A Fox (Alternate Title: Mother Knows Best)

A few months ago, I wrote about being brutally attacked by a swarm of moths within the confines of my own apartment. Upon further investigation, I discovered the angry moths in question were, in fact, clothing moths or Tineola bisselliellae as they are known in entomological circles and possibly also ancient Rome (still checking on this). Anyway, as hinted at in the name, clothing moths totally eat all your cloths in their spare time, specifically clothes that are at least partially made of wool. It’s seriously annoying. I was able to get the clothes-eating in check through the use of moth balls (made me dizzy), which made my apartment smell like the home of an old couple whose children had moved out long ago but still visit on occasion, usually on holidays, and now with children of their own.

Despite getting the moths to stop eating my clothes (as far as I can tell), they were still always totally flying around my apartment or just kind of hanging out in a manner that seemed to suggest “We’re here! We’re moths! Get used to it!” The thing was, I was totally not getting used to it. Like, not at all. I would see around five to ten moths in my apartment on most days, which is a lot of moths for one apartment any way you slice it. I suppose a more reasonable person would have addressed the problem more aggressively, but I’m a busy guy and- aside from shaking my fists at the moths whenever I saw them- I figured there wasn’t much else I could do at this point besides kill them, which I also did whenever possible despite my Buddhist approach to small portions of my life.

Still with me? Okay, so anyway, a week or two ago the exterminator swung by my pad on his semi-monthly rounds in my apartment building. I told him about the moths and he put out some little glue traps that he explained were filled with glue and moth pheromones (moth vagina sauce- gross but sexy, I know). He also told me I should totally wash all the fabrics in my apartment, which sounded INSANE to me.

Anyway, so last weekend I went home to see my parents in Cleveland and was totally telling them about the moth attack in my apartment. My dad had little to no reaction to news of the attack. My mother, however, suggested I leave a bowl of vinegar out in the apartment thinking that maybe the moths would totally hate that. It sounded a little nutty at first, but as a man who has been under attack by moths for several months now, I was willing to try anything (except for washing all the fabrics in my apartment, that is).

When I got back to my apartment in scenic New York City a few days ago, I decided to give it a shot. And now- as of this writing- I am surprised and happy to report that I have totally not seen any months anywhere in the place where I totally live. It’s pretty crazy. The only problem now is that my apartment smells like vinegar. I am not really sure what to do about that. But I am pretty happy about taking back the night on those F-in’ moths. Thanks, mom.

Dave Hill

Come To This Show. I Mean, Hey, Why Not?

Hi there. You should totally come to this show I am going to be a part of next Friday. A band is going to play all of Weezer's "Blue Album" note-for-note, I will be there doing stuff, and there will also be other incredible stuff going on too. So yeah, you should totally come. Talk about good times. This is an example of that. All the information is on the flyer above.

Dave Hill

I Quit

To be honest, I could probably destroy this kid on guitar any day of the week. Until next week, that is, when he will probably be twice as good as he is in this video. This little bastard has got a lot of nerve.

Dave Hill

The Thug Life

Hi. Here is a photo of me with Ira Glass, Moby, and motherfucking Phil Costello after my most recent Dave Hill Explosion show taken by excellent photographer Beowulf Sheehan. Nice writeups of the show can be seen here and here.

Dave Hill

Maybe Not So Well-Named Product Of The Week

Here is something I stumbled upon today in my neighborhood deli. Apparently it's some sort of dissolving tab (not unlike those Listerine breath strip things) that you put in your mouth and then you get all energized. The name NRage though- I'm not so sure about that one. It just sounds kind of rapey. If someone took one of these things right before raping someone or maybe at least knocking over a big stack of canned goods at a grocery store or something it would be hard not to be all like "Well, I totally saw that one coming. He just took some NRage. What did you think was gonna happen?" That sort of thing. Am I right or am I right? Or am I right? I wonder if there is a disclaimer on the package. "WARNING: There is a seriously good chance you might rape someone if you take this product. But why take our word for it?"

Dave Hill

Cleveland Invasion

Today I write to you from the tarmac of the Cleveland Hopkins International Airport, where I am totally sitting in a small plane that is delayed for takeoff to New York because of some combination crazy plane traffic and fierce Nordic winds or something. No one really knows for sure, at least not me anyway and last I checked I’m the only one talking to me and even then it’s touch and go. I just finished drinking a milkshake from Ben & Jerry’s. I got “Coffee! Coffee! Buzz! Buzz! Buzz!” (or whatever embarrassing-to-ask-for-by-name they call it) flavor but declined the whipped cream as I am on a restricted diet. Ha. That is a joke. I am also wearing a royal blue (and probably a little small when it really gets down to it) T-shirt I bought yesterday that says “Cleveland: You’ve Got To Be Tough.” It should say “Cleveland: You’ve Got To Be Tough- Especially If You Are Staying With My Parents.” That is another funny joke I just made up. Guess who is on fire today. This guy is on fire today. I am pointing to myself right now.

Anyway, I have spent the past few days visiting my family in Cleveland with special attention given to the Easter holiday. It was a short visit so I mostly just hung out with my family, ate ham, tried and failed to con my 6 year-old nephew out of Easter candy, ate some more ham, ate some ice cream, thought about and decided against eating some more ham, ate some sausage and stained my pants, and saw a couple old friends while I was at it. I also went to Easter Sunday mass at the church I went to for most of my life, which is where I ran into the girl I had a gigantic crush on for most of grade (or elementary as some call it) school. I hadn’t seen her in twenty years, but she was still looking just as beautiful as I remembered. And now of legal age! It’s nice to know that after all this time...I still don’t stand a chance. But at least now I’ve got my license. Who says I’ve got nothing to offer? (I am just now realizing I should have offered to drive her somewhere, anywhere in my rented Kia. It had a CD player and everything, though I totally would have let her control the radio if she wanted to.)

While I was home I was mildly saddened to find out that Jacobs Field, the stadium where the Cleveland Indians play, had been renamed Progressive Field (or something like that) after the popular auto insurance purveyor. I don’t understand why all sports arenas are named after large corporations now. I guess it’s supposed to advertise their company or something but in the end I just end up hating the company that put their name on the sports arena like that. For example, the existence of a place called the Staples Center only makes me not want to shop at Staples. I mean, I don’t want to shop at Staples anyway, but now I really don’t want to shop at Staples. Ditto about the Target Center, Quicken Loans Arena (maybe the lamest of all, like, seriously), and all those other places. Maybe it has the opposite effect on other people though. I guess I will just have to check Wikipedia. My friend Pat once suggested buying the rights to rename Jacobs Field for millions of dollars and then calling it Poopy Park. I would love to live in a world where a professional sports team plays its games at a place called Poopy Park. I don’t think that would ever stop being funny. If I ever become a rich, rich man, I will use my money to make such dreams come true.

Okay, we are still totally sitting here and not flying. People are getting restless, talking and texting on their phones, and craning their necks for a glimpse of a small bag of peanuts or something. I imagine it is only a matter of minutes before things get seriously “Lord of the Flies” in here. If only my grade school crush could see me now. I am totally going to hold the conch.

Dave Hill

Hoppy Easter

Get it? That is a joke I came up with in my spare time.

Dave Hill

I Am A Bracketologist

Hi. Remember how I was just talking about the ESPN "Bracketologists" thing I did that was directed by the great Bob Odenkirk? Well, here it is in convenient YouTube format. I hope you like it so much.

Dave Hill

The Dave Hill Explosion With Ira Glass And Moby TONIGHT

Attention People of New York City:

Hi there. This is Dave. Dave Hill. From before. Anyway, I just wanted to remind you one last time that TONIGHT (Thursday, March 20, 2008 for you calendar buffs) I will be once again be showing up at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in Chelsea for what critics are already calling “a triumph of the human spirit,” “a return to innocence,” and “the rapiest $5 show in town.” I am, of course, talking about my reasonably popular one-man chat/variety juggernaut the Dave Hill Explosion. Personally, I am pretty excited about it (I made a poster and everything). In fact, if I think and/or type about it too much, I will probably have a low-grade seizure (which is to say severe enough for people to take the straws out of their mouths, but not severe enough to make everyone get off the rollercoaster), so I should probably just get right into it: there is going to be a donkey at my show (the little kind that is small enough for kids to ride while dressed in western wear but still large enough to comfortably hold up to three average-size and really hammered adults at one time). That having been said, I cannot stress to you enough that under no circumstances should you approach the donkey. It is an irritable donkey with no regard for anyone, even himself at times. In addition to the donkey, my show will also feature such really incredible guests as Ira Glass, host of the popular “This American Life” radio and television programs, and Moby, the popular musician, artist, DJ, and tea magnate. And, of course, my sidebitch Phil will be there in full-force and there is nothing you or I or even the donkey can do to stop him (but to be fair, I would love to see the donkey try). Okay, hope to see you tomorrow. You seem nice. And that shirt goes great with your eyes. Not crazy about the sombrero though. However, I do like that you keep things fun.

Love,
Dave Hill

Exciting ESPN College Basketball Thing I Am Totally In

Hi. Do you like watching stuff on the Internet? Great- because I am totally in a spot for ESPN somehow concerning college basketball. The spots were directed by the great Bob Odenkirk. I was kind of nervous to work with someone I admire so much but of course Bob was super nice and never at any time did he pelt me with any objects or even swear at me or anything. He is a pro. Anyway, click here and then click on "The Sponge." That's me. I hope you like it so much. That hoodie is not mine but I kind of liked it. I will write more later and tell you some wild stories from the set that day. There were pancakes for example.

Dave Hill

Rejected

Maybe you've seen this before (as it is popular on the Internet apparently), but I had never seen it until today when my cousin Kieran sent it to me. It's pretty great in, like, a bunch of ways. You should totally watch it.

Dave Hill

Sears Family Photo And Other Topics

Here’s a photo taken by Beowulf Sheehan backstage after my last Dave Hill Explosion show at the UCB Theatre with excellent guests Bob Mould and Amy Sedaris. It was a really fun night and now I’ve got the pictures to prove it, dammit. Thanks to Beowulf for the great shots (I’ll post more later)- he’s an excellent photographer and I am honored he is willing to point that thing at me (I am referring to the camera device, not, you know, his weiner. Is that how you spell weiner? I’m not sure. Maybe it’s wiener. You'd think I would have just looked it up by now).

Speaking of Bob Mould, my brother and I had a chance to check him out with his band at Irving Plaza the other night and he was awesome. He played songs spanning his entire career from as far back as Husker Du’s legendary “Zen Arcade” album and on up to his great new album “District Line.” Lots of Sugar stuff too. I’ve been seeing Bob play since I was a teenager and he is great every time. If you get a chance to see Bob and his band, be sure to check that shit out. You will be schooled in the ways of rock and you will be loving it.

In other news, a quick update on my Dave Hill Explosion show this Thursday, March 20, at the UCB Theatre. My guests for the evening will now be Ira Glass (host of NPR’s “This American Life”), Moby, and Touching You. It’s gonna be loco. You can reserve tickets at no advance cost to you or your loved ones right here. I mean, hey, why not? You like fun, right? Plus you will see this guy:

I am not yet sure whether he is bringing the helmet or not.

Okay, it is Saturday. I’ve got to go show up for life! Actually, I will probably just go get some coffee and start to figure out the rest shortly after that. Putting on pants is half the battle. The rest is getting the hair right and then maybe picking up some snacks. There might be some other stuff too. Seriously though, don’t skimp on the haircare. You’ll thank me later.

Dave Hill

A Great Commercial, Now Even Better

Dave Hill

The Dave Hill Explosion With Special Guests Ira Glass And Touching You: Thursday, March 20 At The UCB Theatre. You Should Totally Come.

Attention People of New York City:

Hello. Hi. How are you? I am pretty good mostly. Thank you so much for asking. I am writing to you today to humbly request the honor of your presence at my next public display of all kinds of sh*t that most people cannot even handle, a/k/a The Dave Hill Explosion (the little show that could and still totally does like a motherf#@ker), which is totally going to happen on Thursday, March 20 at 9:30pm at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre over there in Chelsea. I know what you are thinking- "March 20? Isn't that the same day in 1739 that Nadir Shah occupied Delhi, sacked the city, and stole the jewels of the Peacock Throne? And isn't that also the same day that the 'Great Fire' of Boston destroyed 350 buildings in 1759 or that an earthquake completely decimated all of Mendoza, a city in western Argentina, in 1861? Why would Dave dare take the stage on such a day of infamy? Isn't that a little, I dunno, disrespectful?" And to that I say Why you gotta be all negative? March 20 just so happens to also be the day that Harriet Beecher Stowe's Uncle Tom's Cabin was published in 1852. And on that same day in 1914, the first ever international figure skating championships took place in New Haven, Connecticut. And- oh yeah- two years later on that day some guy named Albert Einstein pubished a little something he liked to call "the general theory of relativity." But yeah, you're right, let's focus on all your sh*t instead, you frickin' downer, because God forbid we look at the bright side once in a while! Then you might have to start dressing in bright colors or stop writing those stupid poems of yours about "the human condition" or maybe say more than two words to your parents at Thanksgiving this year and we certainly do not want any of that! Whatevs. Oh, and by the way- the "Great Fire" of Boston wasn't until 1760 and it only destroyed 349 buildings, not 350, you d*ck! Anyway, I really hope you can make it to my show because it is going to be a lot fun. I am going to be embracing the spirit of positivity, interviewing some incredible guests (Ira Glass, host of the great "This American Life" program on National Public Radio, is one. Futuristic musical act Touching You is the other. I am thinking about having Eliot Spitzer on the show too. Ha! That is a topical joke referencing the recent news about how the Governor of New York pays for sex. Eliot Spitzer is referring to the incident as a "private matter." Yeah, his privates maybe! Man, I am on today! Okay, one more- um, Eliot Spitzer's staff is from now on going to think twice when he asks them to "take a look at his briefs." Ha! That is a play on words which sort of compares a document of some kind to Eliot Spitzer's undergarments. It is almost as if I have OD'ed on genius pills or something), and also maybe taking my shirt off. As if all of that is not enough, my man Phil will be there regulating and possibly even perpetrating (not sure yet). All of this and slightly more for just five bucks, about the price of a cup of coffee and maybe a scone.* You are welcome. If you would like to reserve tickets in advance at no cost to you or your loved ones (pay when you get there, dude), you can do that right here.

*It does not have to be a scone. It could be a bagel or any snack really that- together with a cup of coffee- would cost you about five dollars if you bought them at a store that sells that kind of stuff and is also kind of expensive. Five bucks for a coffee and a scone seems a bit much.

Dave Hill

Hockey Night In Manhattan

Last night marked the end of the first season of my heroic comeback to old men’s league hockey as the team I play on, the King Williams (it is my understanding the team is named after a king of some sort who was named William but now is probably dead), played our last game of what some are calling a “rebuilding season.” We played our hearts and groins out last night and almost even served up a victory (to ourselves), but in the end we lost to the team with purple jerseys 4-3 in a battle that is still being referred to by some as “that time we lost to the team with the purple jerseys.”

Today I am feeling a little tired and sore and have entered a brief (I am expecting this to go on for about the next fifteen minutes or so) period of reflection over my comeback season as well as my future on the ice. It was an admittedly tough season for me. At first I thought it was my skating that was the problem. Then I started to think it was my stickhandling that was the problem. As of this writing, however, it is my sense that it is both my skating and stickhandling- together- that form the problem. Despite having played hockey throughout much of my youth, I am no longer at the peak of my powers and would guess that I am now maybe as good as I was when I was twelve years old, a time when I feel I was “just starting to get the hang of it.” I was at the top of my game between the ages of 16-18 and then it has pretty much been all downhill from there. Still, I am determined to come back strong next year and maybe even the year after that depending on what programs are on TV then. If everything goes as planned, by then I will seriously be giving the fourteen year-old me a run for his money. And I am certain I have better hair now, so there’s that too.

Anyway, it is hard not to wonder whether Wayne Gretzky, arguably the greatest hockey player in the history of the game, ever got this way. Sure, mine and his contribution to the game have been slightly different, but still hopefully you see my point. Wayne Gretzky now has a Wayne Gretzky-themed restaurant of his very own in Toronto, serving a menu of delicious food items inspired by the Great One himself and suitable for the whole family, even kids who are too young to remember Gretzky’s rise to pro hockey dominance in the early ‘80’s. I feel if I practice with a tennis ball over the summer, I could have all of this too maybe. Or maybe not. But I do enjoy Wayne Gretzky-themed food. I’ve had it and it’s delicious. A bit bland at times maybe, but you can always ask for hot sauce. The waitstaff there is friendly and helpful.

Okay, I have to go sit in the tub for a bit.

Dave Hill

I Am A Scene Favorite. I Need You To Be Comfortable With That.

Because I am both shameless and attention-starved, I wanted to mention that I was mentioned in a mention in the current issue of New York Magazine in their "Best of New York" issue. In their mention of the popular and excellent comedy show "Tearing the Veil of Maya" at Union Hall as the "Best Indie Comedy Night," I am totally mentioned as a "scene favorite." I don't know about me being a "scene favorite" or not (that is not for me, Dave Hill, to say), but I am still totally going to mention it to my parents should the need to borrow money arise anytime soon. Or maybe I will just mention it to them anyway. I will mention my mention in a mention to them. Anyway, you can read the mention where I am mentioned here or you could just keep looking down and read it. It goes a little something like this:

"Best Indie-Comedy Night:
Tearing the Veil of Maya
Union Hall, 702 Union St., nr. Fifth Ave., Park Slope; 718-638-4400
Every Sunday at 8 p.m., perennially almost-huge local talents Eugene Mirman and Michael Showalter draw a standing-room-only crowd to the basement of Union Hall, where the pair host their favorite stand-up performers in what’s quickly become the city’s hottest alt-comedy ticket. Local scene favorites (Aziz Ansari, Dave Hill, Greg Johnson, Chelsea Peretti) take the stage alongside bigger names (David Cross, Sarah Silverman), though you might not know it beforehand: They’re most often billed only as the week’s “special guests.” Luckily, the hosts’ finely tuned funny bones are unbeatable insurance that you won’t go home disappointed; and with a modest $7 entrance fee, the hour-and-a-half affair will cost you less than a cocktail at one of the city’s overblown big-box clubs."

Okay, so there is that. In other news, here's a good Cheap Trick video. Sexual innuendo, multiple-necked guitars, a rotary pay phone- this video pretty much has everything. I hope you enjoy it so much:


Dave Hill

Crappy Websites Of The Stars: John Travolta Edition

I don’t like to make a habit of making fun of celebrities- after all, they’re celebrities so they deserve our respect. And being a Z-list celebrity myself, it would really be a no-no to go after my peers like that. Even so, I’ve been noticing lately that some high-profile celebrities have some pretty crappy websites considering, you know, how high-profile they are and I felt like it was time I said something. The hope, of course, is that they or maybe one of their handlers will read this and maybe step it up in the HTML department or something. My work here is positive.

The first crappy celebrity website I ever noticed was that of Wayne Newton a/k/a Mr. Las Vegas. To his credit, however, since I first discovered Wayne’s really crappy website, he has undergone a total redesign and now has a website (almost) worthy of the man himself. I still think he should rethink his merchandise offerings though (Wayne Newton in front of an American flag? Sorry, Wayne, you’re not running for county recorder here- you’re goddamn Mr. Las Vegas! Step it up! Your fans- myself included- deserve more. Also, I realize you’re probably just catering to your demographic, but shirts should be available in sizes other than XL and XXL. Sure, some of your fans have had a few too many passes by the Old Country Buffet, but shouldn’t you at least give them something to shoot for? Dangle a large out there in front of them! Hell, some of them are probably just stomach staple away from a medium even. Come on, Wayne- make ‘em want it! You’ve made yourself the best you can be- which is pretty awesome in my opinion- shouldn’t your fans do the same? My answer to that question is yes).

I’ve discovered some other crappy celebrity websites recently, but today I would specifically like to highlight that of John Travolta, awesomely located at Travolta.com. Aside from the awesome web address, John really needs to rethink this one. First of all, the photo on the splash page (the opening page, for you web laymen) features a photo of John looking like he’s about to do a screen test for “Top Gun.” I get it, John- you’re a pilot, you fly planes. But couldn’t you have at least gone a little easier on the lip gloss? You’re setting the wrong example! And for God’s sake, look into the lense!

Once you get inside Travolta.com, however, that’s where the real trouble starts. If this were 1998, this would be a highly impressive website. This is 2008, however, dammit. John, you’ve got the entire Church of Scientology on your side- you don’t have to have your nephew or whoever designed this do your website. And how about using some more recent photos? We know you’re chunky these days. We’re comfortable with it. So go with it! Lose that circa 1998 photo of you poking through the “dot” in Travolta.com and replace is with a circa now photo of you eating a deluxe pizza entirely by yourself. It’s what we all want, John. Don’t lie to me! And- more importantly- don’t lie to yourself!

Alright, I’ve already said way too much on this topic. I feel like I’ve turned into Frangela or something. I’m just gonna let it go for now. But seriously, go to Travolta.com and see what I’m talking about. As for me, I’m gonna head over to RipTaylor.com and see how someone does it right.

Dave Hill