This Will Never Get Old: The Benny Hillifier

Thanks to my friend Mike for passing along a link to the Benny Hillifier, which- as the name suggests- instantly makes any YouTube video ready to be on the Benny Hill Show (assuming Internet videos could jump in a time machine and go back and be on the late, great British comedy show "The Benny Hill Show"). Here is an example of this incredible tool at work. And no, I am not related to Benny Hill, though that question remains as funny to me now as it did when I was a kid and would be asked that question by virtually every person I ever met. It is a perfectly reasonable question and- as it turns out- always funny.

Dave Hill

Dave Recommends: Lucy Wainwright Roche At Joe's Pub This Friday

Hi. If you are in New York this Friday, you should totally go see my good friend Lucy Wainwright Roche at Joe's Pub. Lucy's voice and songs are unstoppable and will make you forget whatever it is your are trying to forget about as your ears fill with the aural equivalent of the most delicious candy you have ever tasted, a really classy candy favored by the people of Europe. Whenever I listen to Lucy's music, I feel like putting a jacket on to deal with all the chills I'm getting. Even so, I recommend attending her show this Friday shirtless. You only live once. Swing for the fences. You can get tickets right here.

Dave Hill

Flat Eric Carmen

Because I am constantly helping out the youth of America by both deed and example, today I designed/decorated/colored a Flat Stanley for a young fella I know. I used origami paper, a picture from a wig catalog, a marker, and some colored pencils. If you ask me, the Flat Stanley ended up looking a bit like a particularly well-dressed Eric Carmen, lead singer of the great Cleveland pop band the Raspberries. This was unintentional (the Eric Carmen part), yet a bit eerie and exciting (since I am a big Raspberries fan) at the same time. That’s Flat Stanley above. That’s Eric Carmen below. You tell me.

Dave Hill

Valley Lodge: The Japanese Greeting

Hi there. December 27- am I right or am I right? Anyway, recently I sat down with my friend Phil to make a video greeting at the request of our rock band Valley Lodge's Japanese label. It is pretty hi-tech (in a low-tech kind of way). I hope you enjoy it on some level or another. Valley Lodge's Japanese invasion is set for March. The entire country is getting pretty fired up about it. We are a giant rock band over there.

Dave Hill

Boxing Day In Cleveland

Today I write to you from a coffee shop in Shaker Heights, Ohio, just a few hundred yards away from my parents’ home in University Heights, Ohio, suburb of Cleveland. The perenially lame Goo Goo Dolls (NOTE: Their first couple albums were actually decent in a Replacements/Ramones rip-off sort of way, but who remembers those at this point?) serenade me in the background. In England and Canada (and probably some other places too), it is Boxing Day, but here in suburban Cleveland it is that gray day after Christmas when I am doing little other than plotting my next slow move and maybe typing a bit.

I haven’t done much other than family stuff, though I did make it to the mall on Christmas Eve, where I quickly downed a Chick-fil-A sandwich (original recipe) served to me by a woman who was standing next to a woman who has been working at that same Chick-fil-A for- by my estimate- over twenty years now. Even twenty years ago she had a way about her that suggested she was just looking to get out of the house more than actually needing whatever Chick-fil-A pays by the hour, but that’s just me guessing. In those few and brief interactions we’ve had over the years, I’ve rarely had the gumption to ask for more than a value meal.

As is usually the case when I find myself driving a rental car like I am during this visit, I make myself a mix CD or two for those times when I don’t feel like navigating the local radio dial. One of the songs on the mix I whipped up this time around is “Brandy (You’re A Fine Girl” by the late (I’m guessing), great (I’m suggesting) Looking Glass. The song- as you might know- is about a bartender or cocktail waitress in a bar frequented by sailors. It’s catchy and it tells a story. What more can you really ask for in a pop song? Every time I hear it though, I can’t help but question that lyric about how Brandy serves the sailors “whiskey and wine.” Whiskey- sure, that makes sense. Sailors drinking wine though- isn’t that a little, um, gay? Something tells me the sailors walking into the bar and ordering a nice Pinot Grigio are sitting at their own table. Don’t get me wrong- I like wine, even a nice Pinot Grigio. But if I were a sailor, it would be whiskey, rum, and beer all the time. Also, I might wear an eye patch and punch people for no apparent reason. Then again, who am I calling gay? After all, I’m the one listening to “Brandy (You’re A Fine Girl)” in my rental car.

In other news, my friend Maureen’s brother was out driving at night in Illinois or Minnesota (I forget which) and hit a rabbit last week or maybe the week before. He looked back to see nothing lying in the road and assumed the rabbit must have survived the altercation. When he walked out to his car the following morning though, he found out otherwise. Poor little guy. That just looks painful. And I’m sure a wild rabbit dying in the grill of a Mercedes is a metaphor for something or another, but I just can’t think of what that might be right now.

In still other news, my rock band Valley Lodge has just been sent some dates for our Japanese invasion. The details are still being sorted out, but as of this writing we are supposed to play shows in Osaka, Nagoya, Kyoto, and Tokyo in March. Hopefully it will all go off without a hitch and our plans for Japanese domination will be realized. I will keep you posted on this and other topics soon.

Dave Hill

Happy Holidays And Stuff

Dave Hill

Jelena And Me

This past Friday, I woke up at 4:30am (which is really early and was also especially difficult since just hours earlier I had my Dave Hill Explosion show with excellent special guest A.C. Newman at UCB. There is little writeup here, by the way) to fly to West Palm Beach, Florida to interview tennis greats Venus and Serena Williams and Jelena Jankovic for HBO, the popular premium cable television network. Being a tennis great in my own mind and all, it was a real treat to spend the day with my peers and completely test their patience. Above is a picture of me with number one-ranked tennis great Jelena Jankovic, who is from Serbia and seriously great at tennis. In this photo, I am demonstrating what the kids might call my “mad ball skillz.” Word.

Dave Hill

The Dave Hill Explosion w/A.C. Newman TOMORROW Night, Dec. 18 at UCB

Attention People of New York City:

Hello. This is that guy Dave Hill again writing to remind you one last time that TOMORROW, December 18 at 9:30pm at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre, located in the heart of New York City's can-do Chelsea neighborhood, I will be touching hearts, minds, and at times even my own privates during a little something I like to call the Dave Hill Explosion a/k/a the show that makes "Wicked" look like a goddamn kindergarten talent show at a school where all the kids are, like, not really all that talented, even for little kids. I know a lot of shows this time of year make promises of being a "Holiday Spectacular" or some such thing. And while the holidays (all of them) will occasionally be hinted at, alluded to, and at times even directly referenced throughout the night, I can assure you that my show will ultimately be a letdown when it comes to matters of the holidays (some of them). However, if you would like to see a show that will deliver to you one solid hour of entertainment so staggering that it will make you want to have intercourse sex with me or even anyone simply standing near me then, well, you are really gonna like this show I am totally going to be putting on tomorrow night. As for the intercourse sex, however, I make no promises as I am a busy man. Anyway, I really hope you can come to my show tomorrow night. Aside from all the heat I will bringing on my own without even trying, I will be joined tomorrow by rock great A.C. Newman a/k/a Carl Newman from the great Canadian rock group the New Pornographers, celebrity psychic (which is to say a psychic who traffics in celebrities) John Cohan, and a third surprise guest whom you will no doubt find to be both surprising and guestlike in nature (not Lil' John nor Lil' Wayne, as rumored on the pages of Smooth). And, of course, to my right, left, and sometimes directly behind and/or in front of me will be my mysterious bearded sidebitch Phil, who is from parts unknown but maintains an undisclosed local residence. Join us, won't you? It is just five bucks, which is not so much really. "Does this ticket come with a time machine to 1978? Because I cannot believe how little I have paid for it," you will be saying to yourself upon entry. Ha! Can you imagine? You can get tickets right here.

Love,
Dave Hill

Twitter

In an effort to spend even more time on the Internet, I have just joined Twitter, the popular website I simultaneously love and hate. You can waste time with me, by clicking here. Come, Armageddon, come!

Dave Hill

This Moment In Slade

My Slade obsession continues. Today I encourage you to check out this video of the band playing their excellent rock song "Gudbuy T'Jane" on some European music show (note the host in the beginning- he's pretty awesome). As of this writing, I think this song may very well be the best shaker song ever, which is to say the use of the percussive instrument known in the shaker is unrivaled in my expert rock opinion. I hope you enjoy it so much. Play air shaker if you want. I do. Also, please not the band's hair in this video. It is quite simply without parallel.

Dave Hill

A Practical Skill

I guess I am playing right into the hands of the Nokia people by embedding this video here, but seriously- if I could do this I would pretty much be doing it all the time. Occasionally, I would take breaks for banging.

Dave Hill

Mondays- Am I Right Or Am I Right?

Dave Hill

The Dave Hill Explosion w/A.C. Newman THIS THURSDAY Dec. 18 at UCB

Attention People of New York City:

Hello. This is your man Dave Hill writing to let you know that this Thursday, December 18 at 9:30pm at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre over there in historic Chelsea, I will be bringing the heat like some kind of heat-bringing motherf#@ker or something in the form of my popular nightclub act the Dave Hill Explosion, now in its third questionable year! Personally, I am pretty excited about it- and I am not just saying that because everyone in attendance will be receiving a complimentary Toblerone (Yes, you read that right), the classiest candy ever made, something that was supposed to be a surprise but when you are sitting here typing in a room packed floor-to-ceiling with free and delicious Toblerone it is not exactly easy to stay quiet about that sort of thing. Anyway, this show is going to be, like, really incredible, so much in fact that it is going to make all previous Explosions look like I was just practicing and also a little bit drunk. I am going to be doing all the usual incredible stuff, some brand new incredible stuff, and also this one thing involving a cadre of live bees and the North American debut of my patented nougat suit that is pretty much guaranteed to land me some serious coverage on the blogs. As if all of that is not enough, I will be joined on Thursday by none other than rock professional A.C. Newman a/k/a Carl Newman of the excellent rock band the New Pornographers as well as another exciting guest whose name shall remain a surprise until it is announced at a later date, at which point the surprise will transform into sexy information that you will want to make sweet, sweet love to in the small hours of the night. And yet you will feel no shame as this is an abstraction and there is no shame in abstraction banging. In fact, it is encouraged. Ask anyone. Should you approach the mystery guest himself in an inappropriate manner, however, you are on your own. However, I will also be joined on Thursday by my bearded sidebitch Phil, whom you are perfectly welcome to approach in any manner you like. Blame it on the Toblerone. You can get tickets right here.

In other, non-Explosion-related news, I am generally opposed to self-promotion in any form. However, recently I was asked by the popular premium cable television network HBO to interview professional boxers Joe Calzaghe and Roy Jones on their channel because I am a sports expert and also an incredible physical specimen that chicks totally want to bang. My interviews with these boxing greats are now available for Internet consumption below. Please watch all five segments right now and force others to do the same or I will cut myself. Here they are.

And as long as this is shaping up to be the longest e-mail ever totally mailed to someone (And hey- you are already on the Internet and stuff so, you know, let us just keep this whole thing going!) I have also been doing video interviews for New York Magazine's popular website in which I ride around in their elevator and turn the screws on people like Steve Guttenberg, David Rakoff, Chris March, and the lovely Martha Plimpton. You can watch those interviews right here. And you should:


Hurray for love,
Dave Hill

This Week In Bad Judgment: Rocker Stabbed

My friend Rob sent me this story today about an Italian metal band whose members stabbed their guitar player multiples times because he didn’t play well enough. Now that’s commitment to excellence. Being a rock-n-roller myself and all, I can relate to being frustrated by a fellow band member’s lack of proficiency on their instrument, but I usually just shoot them a dirty look or something and they get the hint. Stabbing though- that’s some serious next level shit right there. Fortunately, the guitar player didn’t die or anything, but there’s still no word as of this writing on whether or not he is officially out of the band. I’m guessing practice this week is cancelled though. And I imagine the guitar player is going to start practicing scales and stuff more from now on. I mean, that’s just common sense.

Dave Hill

Three-Legged Dogs: What The F?

Three-legged dogs- seriously, what the F? Before I moved to New York City, I don’t think I had ever seen a three-legged dog before. Here, though, I see them pretty much everywhere. In fact, based on my own experiences of looking at dogs in New York City, I would estimate that roughly one out of every three in this town is totally missing a leg. To their credit, the three-legged dogs don’t seem to mind so much. Personally, I would probably never shut up about it if I were missing a leg. “Wait up! Wait up! I am missing a leg!,” I would totally be saying all the time to all the people I would be trying to keep up with. The question is though, where did the dog legs go? I want some answers.

Dave Hill

Bishop And Douch Christmas

One Sleep 'til Christmas - watch more funny videos

Feliz Navidad from my boys across the pond, Bishop and Douch. I hope you enjoy it so much.

Dave Hill

Philly Invasion, Vegetarian Whorehouses, And Knitting Factory Tonight

It’s Monday and I am still comig down from two days of Exploding in scenic Philadelphia at the Shubin Theatre. The shows were really fun (Thanks to any and all folks who attended!). My guests on Friday were Philadelphia Inquirer columnist Karen Heller, former Bigger Lovers frontman Bret Tobias, and a chihuahua named Zoe. My guests on Saturday were author and filmmaker Bob Levis and musical guest Gemini Wolf (no chihuahua on Saturday). It was fun times all around and all the guests were great. Friday’s show was nice and crowded and Saturday’s was a bit sparsely attended, due in part to the inclement weather and also my general lack of popularity in Philadelphia I’m guessing.

The Explosions aside, other highlights of my trip to Philadelphia included hanging out with my nephew Luke, who is a baby who does baby stuff mostly; seeing a giant mural of Philadelphia hero Dr. J (above, pictured in non-basketball attire), an impressive mural any way you slice it, Dr. J-related or otherwise; eating the fuck out of some dim sum in Chinatown; and picking up a movie called “Don’t Deliver Us From Evil” from an interesting store called Juanita and Juan’s that you should seriously consider stopping into should you find yourself in Philly and in need of an incredible book or movie or if you would just like to see a taxidermied hyena up close and personal (That’s what first got me in the door. “Juanita and Juan’s- come for the stuffed hyena, stay for the French Satanic film from the ‘70’s that you hope might contain nudity!”).

Speaking of the great Juanita and Juan’s store, the guy at the store was telling us how the vegetarian restaurant down the street had recently been converted into a whorehouse (a conversion of this sort, I’m guessing, pretty much entails just stopping serving vegetarian food and starting to serve up whores, but I could be wrong- I have yet to run a vegetarian restaurant or a whorehouse. Someday.), much to the surprise of local vegetarians in search of a good meal at a price that won’t break the bank. Because I am the sort of guy who enjoys chance encounters with whorehouse operators (whores not so much though- I’m classy, real classy), I decided to knock on the door of the former vegetarian restaurant-turned-whorehouse to see how a whorehouse operator might answer the door. In my case, however, they simply didn’t. Next time, next time. I can feel it.

In other news, if you are looking for something to do tonight, come to this fun show I am doing at the Knitting Factory tonight with David Cross, Fred Armisen, Eugene Mirman, Leona Naess, God’s Pottery, Jessi Klein, Nick Diamonds, John Roberts, and many other showbiz greats. You like fun, right? This is an example of that.

Dave Hill

Best Overheard NYC Conversation Ever + Middle-aged Mohawks, Fauxhawks, and Too-Loud Headphones

There are a lot of things I love about walking around New York City- looking at buildings, window shopping, looking at crazy people, looking at hot, hot babes, etc. But perhaps my favorite thing of all about walking around this town is overhearing little bits of people’s conversations. I don’t mean eavesdropping, I just mean hearing a sentence or two that on its own and/or taken completely out of context manages stand alone as a near work of art.

For a long time, my top prize in the Best Overheard Conversation in New York City went to the time I heard what appeared to be a twelve year-old boy walking with a few other twelve year-old boys down West 8th street who said to one them, “I just don’t want to be portrayed as a whore.” I have no idea what he could possibly have been talking about, but it was awesome to hear.

Today, however, I may have found a new winner. As I was walking up 8th Avenue this morning, I saw a nanny pushing along a 3 or 4 year-old girl in a stroller when she stopped to talk for a second to a thirtysomething white woman. After a couple seconds, the nanny continued on down the street and the little girl in the stroller looked up at her and asked, “Who was that?”

“That’s your mom,” the nanny smiled.

Pure gold.

In other news, further up 8th Avenue, I passed a man of about 45 with a mohawk. I’m not sure what it is about middle-aged men and mohawks, but it’s stunning how often I see the two of them together. I’m not sure what the cutoff age for having a mohawk should be (five, maybe?), but trust me on this one, old guys- unless your name is Travis Bickle, you might want to reconsider things. I mean, I get it- you’re a former punk rocker who is now working on putting a new commercial director reel together, but seriously- it’s time to get the clippers out again.

That having been said, the mohawk still beats the fauxhawk, perhaps the biggest indicator that a douchebag is approaching that I can think of as of this writing. If you have a fauxhawk and are reading this right now, step away from the computer and go to your nearest barber immediately. We can fix this. And moving forward- since you are clearly a man of questionable judgment- be sure to ask yourself before making any and all grooming and/or fashion decisions “Is this something David Beckham would do?” If the answer is yes, run away as quickly as you can. Glad I could help.

Oh, and one more thing- all you people on the subway who listen to your headphones so loud that I can hear every note of that shitty song your listening to, turn that shit down now before I fucking stab you.

Man, I am fired up today!

Dave Hill

Philly Explosions This Weekend

Hi there. If you live in Philadelphia, you should totally come to one of my Dave Hill Explosions this Friday or Saturday night at the Shubin Theatre in your town. You can get tickets right here. Please come or I will cut myself. Also, there is a lengthy interview with me in which I specifically address the upcoming Philly Explosions and the details surrounding them on the popular Used Wigs website, located right here. Okay, that about covers it. I love Philadelphia and I love you.

Dave Hill

Chocolate Santa

I couldn’t help but notice this chocolate Santa sitting/standing in the window of Li-lac Chocolates, the popular chocolate store in my neighborhood, this morning. This picture doesn’t do him justice, but- trust me on this on- he looked completely delicious. I imagine if I were a kid and I came downstairs on Christmas morning to discover a three-foot tall chocolate Santa staring at me, I would probably have a seizure. Come to think of it, I would probably have a seizure if that happened to me now.

On another note, I think Chocolate Santa would be an awesome name for a band. If you are looking for a name for your new band, you can totally have it. You’re welcome. Just don’t suck though. If you’re going to name your band Chocolate Santa, you better be able to really bring it. I’m counting on you. Chocolate Santa is counting on you.

Dave Hill

Enslaved, "The Watcher"

ENSLAVED - The Watcher (album: VERTEBRAE)

Norwegian Black Metal band Enslaved made a new video for their song "The Watcher." If you have a band and you are at all considering making a music video, you should probably think about making it exactly like this one. They have pretty much nailed it. I think they could probably ditch the keyboards, but they make up for it with all the screaming.

Dave Hill

Beach Babes

If there is one thing I have seriously been getting into lately, it is beach babes.

For the uninitiated, beach babes are not unlike regular babes except for the fact that they are at the beach. Also, beach babes wear beach attire, like a sexy, sexy bikini for example, which is awesome. It is this last bit of information that separates beach babes from ordinary babes, so if you or someone you know is seriously considering becoming a beach babe, it is at this point that you should pay close attention to pretty much everything I have to say (starting now):

Beach attire is the crucial ingredient in the making of a beach babe. Without beach attire, a beach babe is merely a babe at the beach, which is still really great in its own way yet ultimately not the same thing as far as I and a lot of other people with a penchant for beach babes are concerned.

I should probably mention at this point that if you are a babe who is even thinking about going to the beach, you might want to really think about going that extra distance and wearing a sexy, sexy bikini or attractive one-piece swimsuit of some sort (though the sexy, sexy bikini is preferred) so you can be a full-on beach babe, which in my expert opinion is the best kind of babe a babe can be. I mean, you are already at the beach, right? Why not beach babe it up?

In a perfect world, beach babes would be everywhere, but unfortunately for me and everyone else who loves beach babes just as much as I do, beach babes need the beach as much as the beach needs them. That is the plight of the beach babe. When a beach babe leaves the beach, she suddenly becomes just a babe in a sexy, sexy bikini and then next thing you know she is serving Jell-O shots on wing night somewhere or working at a car wash that most people can't get enough of as much as they might be unwilling to admit it to themselves or their loved ones and/or coworkers. Making matters worse, when a beach babe leaves the beach, she is sometimes confused with a babe who is just strolling around in public in her underwear for some reason (even though she is not), which is often frowned upon and sometimes even legislated against in modern society. And a beach babe wearing a one-piece bathing suit who is not at the beach has got it even worse. She just looks lost or confused. Personally, I hate the idea of a beach babe ever feeling lost or confused. That is because I love beach babes.

Dave Hill

Tuesday Hot Mix

Depending on what kind of music you like, you might forward through half and/or all of this mix. Unless you are me or someone just like me (I am a dime a dozen), of course, and then you will love all of it.

Dave Hill

Killer Workout, Mark Messier, Black Metal Movie, And Other Things Of Great Importance

I’ve just returned from yet another seriously killer workout at the gym, where I pretty much tore that elliptical machine a new one. People were all looking at me like “Is that thing made to go that fast?” And I was all like “It better be.” While I was there I watched something on the MSG network about hockey’s Mark Messier and his excellent career playing the fuck out of hockey. When I was a kid, I got Mark’s autograph in Pittsburgh before he was about to go in and play against the Penguins. About a dozen or so years later I met him again at a fancy party and I was all like “I met you when I was a kid and my dad drove me to Pittsburgh to see you play. Um, do you remember?” He didn’t. I was really excited just the same. He is one of the greats. He also did a Lay’s potato chip commercial. One of my other heroes Chris Elliott did a Doritos commercial. Here you can see the Chris on David Letterman in a clip where he gets to hang out with some of the New York Rangers, the team Messier last played for. The many coincidences here are startling:

In other news, this past weekend I watched the black metal documentary “Until the Light Takes Us.” As most people know, I am pretty much the King of Black Metal, so this was right up my alley. But even if you have never even heard of Black Metal, this movie is really great to watch. It’s fascinating, super dark, funny, and beautiful all at once. Go see that shit if you can.

In still other news, this weekend I also ate dinner at L’Artusi, the new restaurant opened by the guys who opened Dell’ Anima, the excellent Italian restaurant near my apartment. I love Dell’ Anima, so I was excited to try their new joint. It was awesome- great pastas, meats, fish, wine, and more. Go to either of those places and if you’re not completely satisfied, you can hunt me down and kick me in the nuts. They are Dave-approved.

And finally- apropos of nothing- I leave you with the Smiths, one of the greatest bands of all-time, playing “Headmaster Ritual” in Madrid a long time ago. Awesome.

Dave Hill

The Godfathers

Back when I was a young person and anything seemed possible, my friend Willie turned me onto a band from England called the Godfathers, a badass quintet that trafficked in hits. The band had a relatively short run of rocking people in the ‘80’s and ‘90’s before closing up shop (though I understand they’ve recently reunited for some shows). They were/are pretty awesome. I had a chance to see them play in New York back when I was in college and was willing to leave the house. The Godfathers’ lead guitar player had an awesome Zemaitis Les Paul-style guitar with silvery tiles all over it. It was badass and so was the band in general. They dressed really well and had incredible hair too- which is half the battle if you really think about it (or even if you don’t think that hard about it at all). Above is the video for the Godfathers hit “I Want Everything.” I hope you enjoy it so much. You can get some of their music on iTunes. And you should.

Dave Hill

Dave Recommends: Stories In Echo Park

Hi there. Do you like books, coffee, food, and cool gifts and shit? Me too. I'm all over that shit, like, for real. Anyway, if you find yourself in Echo Park out West, you should totally swing by my friend Liz's new store called Stories ("store called Stories"- it's a tongue twister. Imagine if I had left out the word "called"- you might have had an aneurysm. I wouldn't do that to you. I'm on your side), because it's totally got all of that stuff and more. There's, like, a million reasons to go there and spend tons of time and also some money (or lots of it). To quote the great Dr. Hannibal Lecter from the hit movie "Silence of the Lambs," "You go now!" Come for the books and coffee and stuff, stay for the cool bull logo.

Dave Hill